For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Holiday Gifts of Food Deserve No Thank You From Overeater
DEAR ABBY: I am a compulsive overeater. After years of struggle, I have found relief in Overeaters Anonymous. On Jan. 23, I celebrated one year of abstinence.
Having just gone through my first holiday season without using food to medicate my feelings, I'm acutely aware of the many ways well-meaning friends and relatives made things more difficult. I was presented with several gifts of home-baked sweets. The givers acknowledged my eating problems by saying, "I know you can't have any of this, but ..."
Abby, I know I am responsible for what I eat and I can depend on my Higher Power to help me through unavoidable temptations. But if my family and friends really understood that giving certain foods to a compulsive overeater is like handing a bottle of liquor to an alcoholic, maybe they would be more careful about what they choose to give. A meaningful card would have been much more appreciated.
I assume that some of them gave sweets because they feel sorry for my kids or husband. My family is free to have sweets away from home, and they do occasionally. Actually, they have all commented how little they miss sweets -- they're much happier with their new, healthier, happier mom and wife than they were with me when sweets were readily available.
I have learned to consume most foods in moderation, but based on my past experience, I know there are certain foods I simply cannot touch. Sweet foods happen to be my personal binge foods. To eat just one bite could lead to a relapse. I am not willing to take that risk, and I'm sure that others who care about me wouldn't want me to.
Abby, I was able to move those "treats" out of the house quickly, but I wish my friends and family would do me a favor by selecting nonedible gifts. -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS IN ARIZONA
DEAR THANKS BUT NO THANKS: Whatever the motive of the friends and relatives who presented you with gifts of home-baked sweets over the holidays, the term for it is "sabotage." And you are correct in your assessment that it's on a par with offering a drink to an alcoholic -- or a cigarette to someone who has recently quit smoking.
Now you know that when you're in the company of these people, you will have to be on guard. I wish you the best of luck with your program. You're on the right track, and I congratulate you.
Readers, if you need Overeaters Anonymous, look in your telephone directory, or for general information and meeting locations, send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope to: OA World Service Office, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, N.M. 87174-4020.
DEAR ABBY: On the last leg of a 6,100-mile trip out west, my husband and I stopped for breakfast at a restaurant in Kentucky.
Instead of presenting us with our check, the waitress said our bill had been taken care of -- but she was not to tell us by whom.
What a nice gesture, but why us? -- PUZZLED AND THANKFUL IN CINCY
P.S. The only explanation we can think of is that someone must have overheard my husband say to me, "How are we going to pay for this?" -- meaning cash or credit card.
DEAR PUZZLED: Perhaps it was your lucky day. Enjoy the warm memory.
LONELY RETIREES ARE URGED TO GET OUT THERE AND MIX
DEAR ABBY: You asked readers to respond to "Lonely in New Mexico," who retired to a new community and regrets how it turned out.
Our accountant advised us to rent first in the area to which we were contemplating moving. He had seen too many cases of people buying new homes, finding they were unhappy and returning to their original communities. We followed his advice and lucked out. We rented a nice ranch-style house, shopped in the market, visited our landlord's church and were accepted. It grew from there. Six months later, we bought a lot and started construction. A year later we had an open house with 62 guests -- mostly church members and neighbors. -- 30-YEAR-PLUS READER
DEAR READER: You received wise counsel from your accountant. My mail has been filled with suggestions for "Lonely in New Mexico." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Lonely in New Mexico" can enjoy a host of new friends by taking square dance lessons. It's amazing how many nice folks they'll meet that way.
The local Chamber of Commerce can help people locate a club that offers lessons, and so can the senior citizen center or even the western clothing store. The lessons are fun, economical, and a guaranteed route to establishing some deep and lasting friendships with some of the finest people they'll ever know. The best new square dance club members come as retired couples looking for a little fun and a healthful, wholesome activity. I dare anyone to take a few square dance lessons and remain lonely. -- JERRY C. MCGREW, M.D., GARLAND, TEXAS
DEAR DR. MCGREW: I know that's good advice. It's an excellent way for people of every age to socialize. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Lonely in New Mexico." My husband and I moved to Florida 3 1/2 years ago. We don't miss the snow and ice we left behind one bit. Yes, it's hard to pick up and move to a new area where you know no one. The key is to get out there and meet as many new people as you can. Don't just sit at home or in church and wait for people to invite you over.
Within three months of moving, I volunteered to be on the Welcoming Committee to welcome other newcomers to our area. My husband (a retired police major) volunteered to take over the Neighborhood Watch program. I joined the garden club and have been their treasurer for three years.
I also joined a volunteer group that raises money to send good, used children's clothes, blankets and sweaters for the elderly to Native Americans on reservations. Last year I packed and shipped more than 200 boxes. I'm secretary for our homeowners association, and my husband and I volunteer at our neighborhood police substation to free our police officers for more important work out on the street.
Busy? You bet. We're busier now than we were before we retired. We love it. I've met many interesting and dedicated people, and we have many new friends with whom to socialize, travel, play poker and pinochle, and attend the theater as well. -- VOLUNTEER FROM VERO
DEAR VOLUNTEER: Talk about food for thought -- your letter is a banquet of terrific suggestions about how to get involved. May I add the following: Don't expect to replace lifelong friends in six months or a year. Seek out other new arrivals who will identify with you, and if there isn't a special-interest club in your new community that features your hobby, consider placing an ad in the paper and starting one.
Thank you to all the kindhearted readers who took the time to share their experiences and offer suggestions.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HUSBAND MAY LEAVE HIS WIFE WHO WON'T LEAVE HER BOSS
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 21 years. We have two children, ages 12 and 9. I was a poor husband for the last 10 years -- unsupportive, overly critical, controlling and negative. All this led to my wife's having a two-year affair with her boss.
After I learned what was going on and filed for divorce, my wife asked for a reconciliation. My problem is that neither she nor her boss is willing to leave their job for a new position elsewhere.
I am unable to see how we can rebuild our marriage as long as they continue to work together on a daily basis. She is his executive secretary. Am I wrong to demand that this work relationship end? -- FRED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR FRED: I commend you for recognizing your faults and your wife for seeking a reconciliation.
Good jobs are hard to find, but if your wife is serious about wanting to save the marriage, she should look elsewhere for work. If not, your willingness to forgive and forget may be overshadowed by feelings of mistrust.
DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Living It Up 'Til the End," who wrote about people refusing to go to nursing homes when they grow old. If she considers herself to be insensitive and cold, then I am too.
My husband and I are both 44 years old. Our children are 15 and 11. I could write a book about the difficult situations we have been through this year with my mother-in-law, my mother, my father and my grandmother. I am exhausted from the constant worry, frustration, anger and guilt. I wish that each of these dear people would have thought ahead and planned for their declining health and abilities. Instead, all decisions have been left to my husband, my sisters and me. No one is entirely happy with whatever decision is made.
In addition to my constant concern for our aging (and failing) family members, I worry about what all this pressure is doing to our children and our marriage. It is almost impossible to juggle everything, and since the problems facing the elders are of a more critical nature, our children and our marriage often have to take a back seat.
I'm making sure my children won't have to go through this hell. My husband and I take excellent care of ourselves, believing prevention is one key to aging well. I plan to keep my will updated, make all my own funeral arrangements down to the last detail, select the assisted living center and/or nursing home I want to go to, and write all this down for my children. I never want to put them in the position we've found ourselves forced into, just when we thought we could start enjoying our mid-life years. -- ANY FAMILY, ANYWHERE
DEAR ANY FAMILY: You are a classic example of the sandwich generation -- and it's no picnic. I'm sure the older members of your family never intended to burden you as they have, but without careful planning such hardships pass from one generation to the next. Your approach is simple and wise. Your children will bless you for it.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.