Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am the manager of a five-person office. The office hours are supposed to be 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., with an hour (from noon to 1 p.m.) for lunch.
Three of the staff members are older than I am, so it's uncomfortable for me to correct them. The problem is that two of them always come in late. One of them (I'll call her Betty) comes in from 20 to 40 minutes late almost daily, but she leaves at the stroke of 5, regardless. The other (I'll call her Sue) adjusts her hours and stays late to make up the time.
I have a different kind of problem with "Jan." She refuses to listen when I ask her not to drink or eat near the computer. She becomes defensive when I remind her.
Abby, please help me to resolve these sticky situations. Is there a tactful way to get Betty and Sue to arrive on time, and to get Jan to confine her eating to the lunchroom? -- IGNORED IN ATLANTA
DEAR IGNORED: Ask your boss to put the office policies in writing, which may make them easier for you to enforce. Keep in mind that you were made the office manager for a reason, and that these are business relationships -- not friendships. Then, with a clear conscience, do the job you were hired to do.
DEAR ABBY: I was disappointed by your answer to the 18-year-old "crazy and confused" mother who was considering giving her 1-year-old son to a couple at church. You should have encouraged her to exhaust every other option before giving away her child. There are many groups that would help her -- such as the church or social services or volunteers in her community.
As a mother of three, I know the early years are hard -- especially for a girl that young. But it does get easier, and when the children are in grade school, she could go back to school or work to improve her financial situation.
I'm sure she will regret it deeply if she gives away her child. -- JOANNE B. IN FRANKLIN, MASS.
DEAR JOANNE: Your letter is only one in a stack of letters I have received from readers who disagreed with my answer.
However, I stand by my answer. Only the young mother knows what she can handle, and she said in her letter that she is unable not only to support two children financially, she is unable to give her boy the love and care he needs. Since she has found a family at church who will love and cherish him, I think she's doing the right thing. If more people chose that path, there might be fewer abused or neglected children.
Read on for another view:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your reply supporting the 18-year-old girl in making an adoptive plan for her son. Our beautiful 1-year-old baby girl, "Katie," joined our family through open adoption, making a situation of loss -- infertility for us, an unplanned pregnancy for her birth parents -- into a miracle.
In open adoption, the adoptive parents and birth parents work out with a lawyer or agency whatever contact they are both comfortable with. With our fully open adoption, we see Katie's birth mom twice a month (which is as much our wish as hers), and her extended family as well. Our baby has another whole branch of family to love her, and they've been able to go on with their lives without regret, being able to see for themselves that Katie is the most loved, cared-for child in the world.
Abby, please ask your readers to consider "open adoption" when making decisions around adoption or unplanned pregnancies. It can be scary when you first hear about it, but I can tell you in all honesty that it has enriched our lives, our daughter's life, and also her birth mom's. Thank you. -- M.L.S., CINCINNATI
WOMAN WHO SOLVED PUZZLE THINKS SHE TAKES THE CAKE
DEAR ABBY: A lady friend and I were recently in a gift shop where we found a wooden puzzle -- the kind you have to take apart and put back together. We both tried the display model with no luck.
In another section, they were selling slices of a delicious-looking raspberry cheesecake. I told my friend, "I'll buy you the entire cheesecake if you can solve that puzzle."
She took the display model to the counter with the unopened puzzles, found one with an instruction sheet inside the clear plastic bag, and began to unroll the instruction sheet inside the bag until she could read the solution. Then she "solved" the puzzle and demanded her cheesecake.
I was upset. Not only had she cheated, what she did was unethical. The implied rule was that she had to solve the puzzle by herself, not with the help of the instruction sheet. I bought her one slice of cheesecake (a big slice), but now she's demanding the rest -- with interest.
We've asked friends, and I was shocked to find that some sided with my lady friend. So now we've come to you -- do I owe her the rest of the cheesecake or not? -- HUNK-A-CHEESECAKE
DEAR HUNK: I'd say you owe her half a cheesecake because she solved the puzzle (but not quite legitimately), and she owes you half a cheesecake because she tricked you.
The next time you order, try a new flavor -- razz-berry!
DEAR ABBY: A former co-worker recently announced that she is getting married in the fall. This woman is in her mid-40s and this is her third marriage. Although she is not a close friend, I called her to congratulate her on the upcoming nuptials.
Imagine my shock when she asked me to host a bridal shower for her!
Abby, I do not want to give this woman a bridal shower, and I feel it was extremely tacky of her to ask me to do so. My co-workers agree. How can this be handled tactfully? -- APPALLED IN COLORADO
DEAR APPALLED: Thank her politely and tell her that you regret that you are unable to host a bridal shower for her. Do not offer a reason -- simply decline.
DEAR ABBY: I have always been curious about something and am wondering if you can provide the answer. What is done with the illegal drugs (heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, etc.) that are confiscated during an arrest? Are they destroyed? If so, how? -- CONCERNED CITIZEN
DEAR CONCERNED CITIZEN: Good question. I spoke to an official with the Los Angeles Police Department, who told me that the drugs are kept in the police station's property division until the particular case goes to trial. After the trial, the police destroy the drugs by burning them.
WALTER WINCHELL'S DEFINITION OF AN OPTIMIST: A man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man of the Cloth Conceals the Barest of Credentials
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to warn your readers about something that happened to me. Perhaps it will save them the embarrassment I caused myself.
My friend "Emily" met a priest while walking her dog in a neighborhood park. "Father Conway" came across as friendly and courteous. He and Emily became friends. From what Emily told me, he loves his ministry and is very knowledgeable about church doctrine, the sacraments and different parishes in our area. He is not a full-time priest because he has a full-time job. He doesn't live at a rectory; he has his own apartment. I accepted that, believing the church of his choice didn't have an opening available and that he wanted to work full-time and fill in for vacationing priests.
When I married last year, he performed the ceremony. My fiancé, now my husband, wanted a simple wedding. I wasn't attending church on a regular basis. Father Conway offered to perform the ceremony at the catering hall. We paid $150. We had premarital counseling at his apartment.
Everything went off without a hitch, until one day I met a "Father Reynolds" on a flight back from Florida. His parish is near my home. I began telling him about Father Conway, and he said he had never heard of him. About two weeks after, I received a call from Father Reynolds. He told me there's no record of any Father Conway in the diocese or with any of the neighboring dioceses.
When Emily and I asked Father Conway about his background, he became evasive. We asked him where he went to college and seminary school and when he graduated. The seminary and the university had no such graduate in their records. Father Reynolds knew several professors at the seminary that Father Conway claimed to have graduated from. His professors had never heard of him, either. Father Conway was nothing but a fraud.
When I thought about it, I realized that Father Conway never mentioned other priests, never invited Emily or me to any of the Masses he said he performed, never discussed his school days at the seminary or his early years as a young priest. However, he did talk incessantly about how much he had spent on his priestly garments, statues, gold candlestick holders and other religious articles.
Next time I meet a man of the cloth who doesn't live at the rectory, I'll check his background and speak to the priest he fills in for. I'll call the headquarters that the priest/minister answers to. Had I done that, I would not have been taken in by an impostor. -- WISER NOW IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR WISER NOW: What a mess! I took your problem to an indisputably legitimate man of the cloth, Cardinal Roger Mahony, archbishop of Los Angeles. His response:
DEAR ABBY: Please permit me to answer "Wiser Now in Massachusetts":
DEAR WISER NOW: I am very sorry that you were victimized by a man pretending to be a Catholic priest and I recommend you do two things in the aftermath of this fraud.
First, contact the district attorney in your jurisdiction to see if "Father Conway" has violated any civil laws. If he is not authorized to officiate at weddings by the state, he may be liable to criminal prosecution.
Second, if you have not already done so, make an appointment with your parish priest to have your marriage blessed by the church. This should not be a complicated matter, and I am sure your parish priest will be very sympathetic to your plight.
Your experience highlights the importance of the local parish in the life of every Catholic. Always approach your parish priest for the sacraments, even when you would like a priest from outside the parish to witness a marriage or to baptize a child. The parish priest will be able to ensure that a visiting priest has the proper faculties and delegation from competent church authorities.
Wishing God's blessing on you and your groom, I am ... CARDINAL ROGER MAHONY, ARCHBISHOP OF LOS ANGELES
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)