For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TRUE STORY OF 'TAPS' BLOWS AWAY EARLIER MISINFORMATION
DEAR ABBY: Last Veterans Day, you printed a story that someone sent you about why "Taps" is played at military funerals. Since I spent 22 years in the Army and studied military traditions, I knew it was not a true story -- nice and sentimental, but untrue. I have enclosed the true story of "Taps." Please share it with your readers. -- JIM BAKER, MITCHELLVILLE, MD.
DEAR JIM: Hundreds of veterans and students of history wrote to correct the misinformation. The following is a condensed version of the origin of "Taps" taken from many published accounts, including a U.S. Army Military District of Washington fact sheet:
The 24-note melancholy bugle call known as "Taps" is thought to be a revision of a French bugle signal, called "tatoo," that notified soldiers to cease an evening's drinking and return to their garrisons. It was sounded an hour before the final bugle call to end the day by extinguishing fires and lights. The last five measures of the "tatoo" resemble "Taps."
The revision that gave us the present-day "Taps" was made during America's Civil War by Union Gen. Daniel Adams Butterfield, heading a brigade camped at Harrison Landing, Va., near Richmond. Up to that time, the U.S. Army's infantry call to end the day was the French final call, "L'Extinction des feux." Gen. Butterfield decided the "lights out" music was too formal to signal the day's end. One day in July 1862, he recalled the "tatoo" music and hummed a version of it to an aide who wrote it down in music. Butterfield then asked the brigade bugler, Oliver W. Norton, to play the notes and, after listening, lengthened and shortened them while keeping his original melody.
He ordered Norton to play this new call at the end of each day thereafter, instead of the regulation call. The music was heard and appreciated by other brigades, who asked for copies and adopted this bugle call. It was even adopted by Confederate buglers.
This music was made the official Army bugle call after the war, but was not given the name "Taps" until 1874.
The first time "Taps" was played at a military funeral may also have been in Virginia soon after Butterfield composed it. Union Capt. John Tidball, head of an artillery battery, ordered it played for the burial of a cannoneer killed in action. Not wanting to reveal the battery's position in the woods to the enemy nearby, Tidball substituted "Taps" for the traditional three rifle volleys fired over the grave. "Taps" was also played at the funeral of Confederate Gen. Stonewall Jackson 10 months after it was composed.
"Taps" now is played by the military at burial and memorial services, to accompany the lowering of the flag, and to signal the "lights out" command at day's end.
Now, dear readers, I believe I am on target about the origin of "Taps" -- although a few details differ from other versions.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are friendly with a couple from another state. We visit back and forth quite frequently and enjoy each other's company immensely.
The problem arises when we dine out. I feel that when we visit them and eat out I should pay the bill, because they are giving us overnight lodging and meals at their house. However, when they visit us and we eat out, I feel that I should pay the bill because they are my guests and I should take care of everything. It wouldn't be a problem except that our friends feel the same way, and when the bill comes we both go through the "I've got it" routine. Both of us go to great lengths to pay the bill.
My question: Who should pay in each situation? -- CURIOUS IN VEAZIE, MAINE
DEAR CURIOUS: My answer: For crying out loud, take turns!
Woman Puts Her Life on Hold Waiting for Man to Leave Wife
DEAR ABBY: I met a 30-year-old woman who has been waiting four years for her "boyfriend" to leave his wife. She is not the typical mistress type and receives no money or gifts from him. She has a great job and owns her own home. She has given up most of her friends because he doesn't want her to see them, and admits that she has had to change because of him.
This man is 15 years her senior, married 20 years, and has children in college. He is separated from his wife (not legally), and claims he'll get a divorce when his wife can handle it. The wife does not know he has been dating the younger woman, and the younger woman thinks he has fallen out of love with his wife. Abby, this man socializes publicly with his wife and sneaks around with my friend.
She's a beautiful girl, and a very nice one. How do I get her to open up her eyes and see that she does not "have" him? All she has is a snake that slithers from one woman to the other. When she asks me for advice and I tell her what I see, she agrees for the moment, but seems to forget it the minute he calls. Her life is passing her by while she sits around waiting for the "man of her dreams" to leave the wife he obviously still loves. Your thoughts, please. -- A FRIEND IN NEED, HIGH SPRINGS, FLA.
DEAR FRIEND: Love is blind. It's also deaf and sometimes stupid. That's why your otherwise intelligent friend is disregarding your message. It's entirely possible that the wife knows all about her, and that this arrangement will last until one of them gives this man an ultimatum -- at which point he'll dump your friend in order to save his assets. That's the most common scenario.
DEAR ABBY: The letter in your column about donating used wedding dresses to the local little theater prompts this letter.
My sister-in-law, Mary, thought of a unique way to recycle her wedding dress. When her twin daughters made their first communion, Mary used it to make a dress for each girl.
Later, one of my nieces had her first communion dress made into a christening dress for her children. -- ARDELL NADESAN, BEMIDJI, MINN.
DEAR ARDELL: That's a clever idea for anyone who has a talent for sewing -- convert the gown into a family heirloom.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Chatty Catherine" in Nashville.
If talking to oneself is a sign of senility or insanity, then I have been one or the other since age 7. (I am now 44.) My earliest recollection is being reminded by my mother not to answer myself.
Over the years, I've made peace with my tendency to talk to myself out loud. I used to do it because I was uncomfortable with silence. As my spiritual growth has progressed over the years, I've discovered it is a way of maintaining a closer relationship with God, as I perceive him. Thinking of it as prayer, I am perfectly at peace with my chatty nature.
My mother always said, when caught talking to herself, "I'm talking to someone I know has some sense!"
Abby, please tell Catherine that there's nothing wrong with us -- we simply like who we're with! -- NO LONGER SELF-CONSCIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Partner Plays Game of Love With His Eyes Wide Open
DEAR ABBY: I have never seen this mentioned in your column, but I'll bet it's an issue for others as it is for me.
I have been with my life partner for more than 15 years. When we kiss, he does not close his eyes. I have mentioned this to him several times. I told him that I feel he is cold, distant and lacking in passion when he kisses me with his eyes open. I told him it was like kissing my grandmother. While he periodically tries to close his eyes, he always seems to revert to kissing with his eyes open. He says he's more comfortable that way.
Have you or your readers run across this problem, and if so, how was it resolved? -- KISSLESS IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR KISSLESS: When you kiss, close YOUR eyes, then you'll spare yourself the upsetting knowledge that the person kissing you has his eyes open!
DEAR ABBY: I would like your advice on how to handle a very difficult and tacky announcement.
I received an "elopement announcement," and I'd like to know the proper etiquette for responding to it. We are friends of the bride's parents, but neither my husband nor I has ever met the bride. This is her second elopement.
We have spoken to several friends and our own adult children, none of whom have ever heard of an "elopement announcement."
How should my husband and I respond? -- FAITHFUL READER, WAYNE, N.J.
DEAR FAITHFUL READER: There is nothing "tacky" about the happy couple sending you an elopement announcement. (Just substitute the word "wedding" for "elopement.") What better way to advise family and friends of the news of their marriage?
Since an announcement is not an invitation, you are under no obligation to respond to it. However, since you know the bride's parents, it would be gracious to send a note or card to congratulate the newlyweds.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to tell you about the most touching Christmas gift I have ever received. About a month ago, you printed a wonderful piece called "The Art of Marriage." The words touched me deeply, so I showed it to my fiance. He, too, was moved by it, so we posted the clipping on our refrigerator.
On Christmas morning, he insisted I save a particularly beautifully wrapped package to open last, saying it was his favorite gift for me. Inside, I found "The Art of Marriage," written in beautiful script on fancy paper, enlarged, in a gorgeous picture frame! It brought tears to my eyes.
We are to be married in September, and I know that the dearest gift I have ever received will be with us throughout our wonderful life together. Thanks so much for printing it. -- JENNY STONE, LOS ANGELES
DEAR JENNY: You're entirely welcome. Your fiance sounds like a gem. Please accept my best wishes for a long and happy marriage.
When I printed "The Art of Marriage," I didn't know who wrote it. However, many readers informed me that the author is Wilferd A. Peterson, and the essay appeared in his book, "The Art of Living Treasure Chest."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)