To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Puts Her Life on Hold Waiting for Man to Leave Wife
DEAR ABBY: I met a 30-year-old woman who has been waiting four years for her "boyfriend" to leave his wife. She is not the typical mistress type and receives no money or gifts from him. She has a great job and owns her own home. She has given up most of her friends because he doesn't want her to see them, and admits that she has had to change because of him.
This man is 15 years her senior, married 20 years, and has children in college. He is separated from his wife (not legally), and claims he'll get a divorce when his wife can handle it. The wife does not know he has been dating the younger woman, and the younger woman thinks he has fallen out of love with his wife. Abby, this man socializes publicly with his wife and sneaks around with my friend.
She's a beautiful girl, and a very nice one. How do I get her to open up her eyes and see that she does not "have" him? All she has is a snake that slithers from one woman to the other. When she asks me for advice and I tell her what I see, she agrees for the moment, but seems to forget it the minute he calls. Her life is passing her by while she sits around waiting for the "man of her dreams" to leave the wife he obviously still loves. Your thoughts, please. -- A FRIEND IN NEED, HIGH SPRINGS, FLA.
DEAR FRIEND: Love is blind. It's also deaf and sometimes stupid. That's why your otherwise intelligent friend is disregarding your message. It's entirely possible that the wife knows all about her, and that this arrangement will last until one of them gives this man an ultimatum -- at which point he'll dump your friend in order to save his assets. That's the most common scenario.
DEAR ABBY: The letter in your column about donating used wedding dresses to the local little theater prompts this letter.
My sister-in-law, Mary, thought of a unique way to recycle her wedding dress. When her twin daughters made their first communion, Mary used it to make a dress for each girl.
Later, one of my nieces had her first communion dress made into a christening dress for her children. -- ARDELL NADESAN, BEMIDJI, MINN.
DEAR ARDELL: That's a clever idea for anyone who has a talent for sewing -- convert the gown into a family heirloom.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Chatty Catherine" in Nashville.
If talking to oneself is a sign of senility or insanity, then I have been one or the other since age 7. (I am now 44.) My earliest recollection is being reminded by my mother not to answer myself.
Over the years, I've made peace with my tendency to talk to myself out loud. I used to do it because I was uncomfortable with silence. As my spiritual growth has progressed over the years, I've discovered it is a way of maintaining a closer relationship with God, as I perceive him. Thinking of it as prayer, I am perfectly at peace with my chatty nature.
My mother always said, when caught talking to herself, "I'm talking to someone I know has some sense!"
Abby, please tell Catherine that there's nothing wrong with us -- we simply like who we're with! -- NO LONGER SELF-CONSCIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA
Partner Plays Game of Love With His Eyes Wide Open
DEAR ABBY: I have never seen this mentioned in your column, but I'll bet it's an issue for others as it is for me.
I have been with my life partner for more than 15 years. When we kiss, he does not close his eyes. I have mentioned this to him several times. I told him that I feel he is cold, distant and lacking in passion when he kisses me with his eyes open. I told him it was like kissing my grandmother. While he periodically tries to close his eyes, he always seems to revert to kissing with his eyes open. He says he's more comfortable that way.
Have you or your readers run across this problem, and if so, how was it resolved? -- KISSLESS IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR KISSLESS: When you kiss, close YOUR eyes, then you'll spare yourself the upsetting knowledge that the person kissing you has his eyes open!
DEAR ABBY: I would like your advice on how to handle a very difficult and tacky announcement.
I received an "elopement announcement," and I'd like to know the proper etiquette for responding to it. We are friends of the bride's parents, but neither my husband nor I has ever met the bride. This is her second elopement.
We have spoken to several friends and our own adult children, none of whom have ever heard of an "elopement announcement."
How should my husband and I respond? -- FAITHFUL READER, WAYNE, N.J.
DEAR FAITHFUL READER: There is nothing "tacky" about the happy couple sending you an elopement announcement. (Just substitute the word "wedding" for "elopement.") What better way to advise family and friends of the news of their marriage?
Since an announcement is not an invitation, you are under no obligation to respond to it. However, since you know the bride's parents, it would be gracious to send a note or card to congratulate the newlyweds.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to tell you about the most touching Christmas gift I have ever received. About a month ago, you printed a wonderful piece called "The Art of Marriage." The words touched me deeply, so I showed it to my fiance. He, too, was moved by it, so we posted the clipping on our refrigerator.
On Christmas morning, he insisted I save a particularly beautifully wrapped package to open last, saying it was his favorite gift for me. Inside, I found "The Art of Marriage," written in beautiful script on fancy paper, enlarged, in a gorgeous picture frame! It brought tears to my eyes.
We are to be married in September, and I know that the dearest gift I have ever received will be with us throughout our wonderful life together. Thanks so much for printing it. -- JENNY STONE, LOS ANGELES
DEAR JENNY: You're entirely welcome. Your fiance sounds like a gem. Please accept my best wishes for a long and happy marriage.
When I printed "The Art of Marriage," I didn't know who wrote it. However, many readers informed me that the author is Wilferd A. Peterson, and the essay appeared in his book, "The Art of Living Treasure Chest."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom's Repeated Tales of Woe Bring No Pleasure to Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My mother has always suffered with various degrees of depression. She no longer takes medication or sees a therapist, but perhaps she should.
When Mom and I go to lunch together, or when I call her, the conversations are always about the wrongs Dad has done to her throughout their whole marriage. I've heard these stories since childhood, and here I am at 32 still being forced to listen to the same old tales of woe.
Because I have heard all this before, I have little patience with her. When I try to change the subject or request she stop complaining, she makes me the enemy and a fight ensues. Dad always insists that I apologize so Mom won't go into another deep depression.
Abby, Mom has no friends, only enemies. I suggested she join church groups, etc., so she will have a life, but she still dwells mainly in the past. Dad can't see that I'm trying to bring her into the present when I ask her not to rehash the past.
I want to enjoy my mother's company and have her enjoy mine. Abby, what can I do to make our visits more pleasant? -- IMPATIENT DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: Please be patient with your mother. Apparently she is still sick and needs further treatment. She wouldn't rehash past traumas in her marriage if she were able to let go and live in the present.
Talk to your father about encouraging your mother to get back into therapy and on medication. With both of you urging her, she may accept that additional therapy is necessary.
When you and your mother are having lunch, acknowledge her pain and give her a little sympathy; then gently change the subject, preferably to something she cares about other than her pain. If that doesn't work, try, try again. One day you will be glad you did what you could for her rather than cutting her off.
DEAR ABBY: My grandma worships you. She gave me one of your booklets, "What Every Teen Should Know." I put it away for months, then I read a few chapters, including "Please God, I'm Only 17." It made me cry.
Thanks a lot. You're great -- you really are. -- JAIME E. JOST, 13, SUPERIOR, WIS.
DEAR JAIME: Thank YOU. Your letter made my day. At age 13, you exhibit a quality some people never acquire: giving roses to people while they are still able to smell them.
DEAR ABBY: Re: Promise Keepers.
The original promises were made at the wedding in front of the families, friends and, usually, God. Why do new promises have to be made? Why do promises to women have to be made in the absence of women? Any time a group is excluded from an organization, it implies the group is believed not to be worthy of membership. I am willing to apply this both to the Promise Keepers and the National Organization for Women (NOW).
I am all for keeping promises. But I'd find it more credible if the male Promise Keepers stayed home and did the dishes, rather than having another night out with the boys. In this regard, I see little difference between bowling and Promise Keepers meetings or rallies. -- FAITHFUL (MALE) READER
DEAR FAITHFUL (MALE) READER: You may have missed the column I printed, comprising letters from wives of Promise Keepers who praised the organization for having inspired their husbands to work harder at being better mates. Although it would be nice if the Promise Keepers were co-educational, with an emphasis on both spouses keeping the promises they made at the altar, unless I receive negative mail from the wives, I'm reluctant to criticize a program that seems to be having a positive influence on couples who feel they need it.
P.S. Membership in the National Organization for Women is not restricted to women only.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)