Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boy Taught to Trust Police Puts Lesson to Good Use
DEAR ABBY: As a young parent, I was appalled to hear other parents threaten to call the police and have their children taken to jail when they misbehaved.
I am now in my 80s and I'm horrified to see that the same threat is still being used. I raised five children and taught them that the police were their friends.
It paid off when my 4-year-old son, Larry, disappeared while we were shopping. As I frantically searched for him, I spotted him perched on an officer's shoulder. After having Larry identify me, the policeman laughed and told me that Larry had approached him for help. When he asked my son if he was lost, Larry answered: "No, I'm not lost. I'm here. My mamma is lost. Will you find her for me?" That was only one time out of many that the police have befriended us. I wish you would print something to the effect that law enforcement officers are there to help.
Also, I do not believe in corporal punishment. I have always felt that children are usually punished when parents are angry, not when the children are naughty. As my mother always said, "What you are too stupid to teach them, you cannot knock into them." So I have never had to resort to corporal punishment.
I love your column and your sensible answers. -- FREDA L. DAVIS, KEAAU, HAWAII
DEAR FREDA: Thank you. I agree. It makes no sense to make a child fearful of the very person he or she may need in an emergency. Children who are treated with respect will grow up to respect others. Hitting teaches only that might makes right.
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, a man named Robert wrote to you. He was brokenhearted because a girl he loved would not wait for his return from a mission for the Special Operations branch of the Army. You told him that the lady he lost was in fact the loser. Your kind response meant a lot to him.
How do I know? Today it is I who waits for this wonderful man. I met Robert two years ago on the Internet. I was a single mother living on a farm in the foothills of North Carolina. Robert was living in California. Soon after we met, he was deployed to Guam on a voluntary mission.
With Internet access in Guam, we were able to continue our relationship, which was built on communication and a mountain of faith. We eventually grew to love each other.
In March 1997, Robert flew directly to North Carolina from Guam and we met face-to-face for the first time. It was a dream come true for both of us. Robert and I drove to California to stay with his family while we finalized wedding plans and looked for a home of our own.
Shortly after we arrived, we learned that Robert would deploy again, this time involuntarily as part of a civil affairs mission to Bosnia. His orders were for 270 days.
Today I patiently await his return, when I will become his wife. He is the love of my life and I am grateful we found each other.
Abby, you were right when you said someday there will be a girl deserving of Robert's love and she will have the patience to wait for him. Well, that girl is me. Thank you for your letter to him those few years ago. You gave him faith and now his wait is over. -- AMY IN REDLANDS, CALIF.
DEAR AMY: I'm delighted I could help. My best wishes to both of you for a long and happy marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and recently made a very bad decision. I'm sure you and your readers have heard of "ruffies," the "date-rape drug." This drug has a very dangerous potential. I was at a party last weekend and decided to try one.
All the stories you've heard about not remembering anything are completely true. You have absolutely NO control over what you do, or what's done TO you. I was very lucky, because I was with someone I can trust -- my boyfriend, who loves me and would never hurt or take advantage of me. Unfortunately, not every guy is like that.
My memory of that night is totally blank. I could have been everyone's toy for the night and not have known it. Luckily, I wasn't, and I learned from my mistake. Please, girls out there, learn from my experience. Don't let it happen to you. -- ANONYMOUS IN FLORIDA
DEAR ANONYMOUS: If your mind is totally blank, how do you KNOW nothing happened? If there's the slightest doubt, see a doctor to be sure you are OK.
According to the Rape Treatment Center, Santa Monica-UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica, Calif., the following is what young women can do to protect themselves from drugs like Rohypnol ("ruffies") or GHB:
-- Don't drink beverages that you did not open yourself.
-- Don't exchange or share drinks with anyone.
-- Don't take a drink from a punch bowl.
-- Don't drink from a container that's being passed around.
-- If someone offers you a drink from the bar at a club or a party, accompany the person to the bar to order the drink, and watch the drink being poured. Carry the drink yourself.
-- Don't leave your drink unattended, especially when talking, dancing, using the rest room or making a phone call.
-- Don't drink anything that has an unusual taste or appearance, like a "salty" taste or unexplained residue.
-- If you realize that your drink has been left unattended, discard it.
-- Don't mix drugs and alcohol. When drugs are mixed with alcohol, the results can be lethal.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old man who has been married for 22 years. My wife and I have two wonderful teen-aged children.
About six months ago, my wife's niece (I'll call her Rene), whom I had never met, came from another country to live with us so she could go to college in the United States. She is in her early 20s.
For the first few months everything was fine. Now I find myself thinking about Rene all the time. I think I'm in love with her. I travel quite a bit because of my job, and every time I come home it's torture. I have to act as if nothing is going on in my mind. No one knows the way I feel.
If I tell my wife, she'll be crushed and it will be the end of our marriage. If I tell Rene -- who has done nothing wrong and loves my wife like a mother -- she may want to return to her country without finishing her studies.
I have always tried to do the right thing. I never thought at this age I'd be feeling this way. I don't want to ruin anyone's life, including my own. What should I do? -- DESPERATE IN DELAWARE
DEAR DESPERATE: Although it's common for older men to fantasize about younger women, the consequences of your fantasy could irreparably damage at least five lives. Talking this out with someone you trust would be helpful. I recommend a professional therapist, who can help you assess the consequences of acting out this fantasy.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Scam Artists Find Targets in Online Classified Ads
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter recently warning your readers that ads for lost items placed in local newspapers might wind up on the Internet. The writer said that scam artists would contact them offering to return the item -- after receiving money "to pay the shipping charges." This seems illogical to me.
Why is there a good chance that one's "lost" classified ad would be placed on the Internet? Who would do that? Certainly not the scam artist, who wouldn't want to share his source of income with anyone else.
Didn't it occur to your letter writer to ask for a complete description of the lost item? Even if a scamster were able to provide a description of my "lost" wristwatch, I could always trip him up by asking, "Is it engraved on the back, 'To my darling husband from Mary'?" When the scamster answers, "Yes," I'd then respond, "Then you found someone else's watch. Mine is not engraved."
Abby, it's pretty hard to be taken advantage of if you stay one step ahead. -- DAVE BARRY, SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO, CALIF.
DEAR DAVE: Some newspapers that have online editions publish the entire contents on the Internet, including the classified ads. That's how someone's lost-and-found ad could reach a wider audience than the immediate neighborhood or city.
Your second point, however, is well taken. When people have lost a beloved pet or a treasured possession, they do not always think logically. The victims' desperation is what makes them vulnerable.
DEAR ABBY: The letter about the child with the abusive stepfather could have been about me. I, too, commend the child for speaking up to an adult.
I was a victim of physical and mental abuse from my stepfather. I contemplated running away, but feared the consequences if I were found. For years I believed I had no place to run.
My mother was not abused by this man. She was aware of what he was doing to me and covered for him when a confrontation arose. I did not know that by seeking advice from another adult, a remedy to my pain could be found. I called the police one day, but nothing came of that call. Finally, I told my grandparents and a school official what was happening, and the gates of freedom began to open.
I now live with my grandparents and enjoy a life I never before thought possible. I'd like to tell the child who wrote to you to keep the faith and continue trying to get out. I would, however, add one more note: When he and his family escape, they should seek counseling. The scars of such a trauma are long evident. I know from personal experience that therapy will help. -- FREE AT LAST IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR FREE: Thank you for encouraging that child, and any other child in an abusive situation, to continue to reach out to adults until someone believes and acts to establish a safe haven for them. And you're absolutely right that the quickest way to heal the scars is through therapy.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)