Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
School Should Help Student Take the Load Off Her Back
DEAR ABBY: As a lawyer who represents injured people, and as someone who has a back injury, I read with interest the letter in your column from "An Outraged Grandparent," who was angry that her granddaughter was suffering severe back pain from the 20 pounds of books she was required to carry to and from school each day.
I heartily agree with your idea of a rolling briefcase or luggage cart. I have used one myself since my back injury. However, it is important that the student and her grandmother know that they should not view the school's policies as unchangeable. The Americans with Disabilities Act requires that schools make reasonable accommodations to persons with disabilities. A reasonable accommodation in this situation would likely legally require the school to provide a locker for the student, or be more flexible in allowing her to carry lighter books, perhaps by cutting the books into sections.
If the student's teachers are unwilling to cooperate, I would strongly suggest that she complain to the principal. If this is ineffective, the family should file a complaint with the U.S. Department of Education. An inquiry from the Department of Education often causes school officials to become far more accommodating than they previously thought possible. -- STEVEN FEINSTEIN, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR STEVEN: I'm certain that "Outraged Grandparent" will be grateful for your professional opinion, and thank you for it. Since I printed that letter, I have received many sympathetic letters offering helpful advice for the granddaughter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Most kids carry their backpacks too low on their backs. This puts a lot of strain on the lower back and spine. The load should be carried high on the back, which puts more of the weight on the shoulders.
As a former Marine, I've had to carry a lot more than 20 pounds, and have done so for 10 to 15 miles. I have learned that the higher you carry your load, the easier it is on your back. It's not how much you carry, but how you carry it. -- AN OLD MARINE
DEAR OLD MARINE: Because backpacks are so popular, I'm sure many students will benefit from your years of experience. Thanks for the input. Semper Fi! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a college student who had many physical problems in high school.
Since the girl is seeing a chiropractor, her chiropractor should write a note to the school stating her condition. It should be given to the principal, and if need be, to the school board. The school can issue her a second set of books, which she can leave in her desk or with the teacher. My teachers were glad to do this for me. If a note from the chiropractor is not acceptable, the girl should get one from an orthopedic specialist.
The teachers should also be willing to bend on the binder issue. The grandmother should make sure her granddaughter uses soft binders. They weigh less and take up less room than hard binders.
A final thought: I have seen backpacks with wheels. They are quite large and have a plastic handle that slides out from the back for pulling. Luggage shops carry them and so do college bookstores. -- S.H. IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR S.H.: Dozens of readers advised me that backpacks with wheels are available in luggage stores, discount department stores, etc.
Woman Can't Believe What She Hears the Second Time Around
DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman. When I was in my mid-20s, my doctors told me I could never have children. At that time I was dating "Doug" and told him about my infertility. He said it didn't matter to him.
We became engaged and I started planning the wedding. After all of the plans were made, Doug changed his mind about wanting to marry me. He said that after thinking it over, being a father was very important to him. I was devastated.
I have now been dating a very nice man for two years. He has told me that the fact I can't have children does not affect his feelings for me, and that if we decide we want a family we can always adopt. He says that he'll never let me go. But how can I believe him, Abby? -- CAN'T TRUST IN CAMBRIDGE, MASS.
DEAR CAN'T TRUST: Doug was a cad. However, just because you got a bad egg once doesn't mean you should give up on finding a man you can trust. Not all men are alike. The one you're dating now sounds like a keeper to me.
DEAR ABBY: My sister and her husband and children have completely severed their relationship with our brother because of his new wife's gift-giving practices.
On my teen-age niece's last two birthdays, our brother's wife has given her a "gift" of used clothing still reeking of our sister-in-law's perfume. My sister and her daughter were very hurt by these tacky gifts.
Our brother and his wife shop for themselves in thrift shops. They don't have to shop there, but they choose to. However, neither my sister's family nor myself is comfortable doing so.
Abby, I'm usually the family peacekeeper, but I'm open to any suggestions. Should I say something, or should I keep my mouth shut and let them resolve this? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN TUCSON
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: It's unfair for your sister to cut your brother out of her life without explaining why. Encourage her to explain politely, but truthfully, why they have stopped speaking -- but after that, you should stay out of it.
DEAR ABBY: Recently, in the middle of the night, a friend had chest pains. She called a neighbor and was taken to the hospital, where she was treated. Fortunately, all is well. However, her doctor told her that what she had done was wrong. He said, "You should never call a friend or neighbor; they are not equipped to help you in an emergency. Call 911!"
She told me this story, and two weeks later, I was at a friend's for New Year's. I ate too much salty food and suddenly was gasping for breath. I had just told them the story about 911 that evening. They did just that -- called 911 -- and within minutes a police officer arrived with oxygen, administering it while waiting for the ambulance. I'm convinced it saved my life. -- RUTH DAIGEN, WANTAGH, N.Y.
DEAR RUTH: I'm sharing your story with my readers because it illustrates what 911 is supposed to be used for -- a life-threating emergency. Thank you for an important letter.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sister of Suicide Victim Is Living With Her Guilt
DEAR ABBY: Two months ago my youngest sister called me -- collect again -- sobbing that she felt alone and frightened in the world. She asked if we could meet for tea or if I could visit her. As a mother of twins and self-employed, I reminded her that having tea in a cafe is a luxury I cannot afford.
Last month she called me again. She wanted to spend Saturday night with us and make a pancake breakfast "for old times' sake." She told me she missed me and felt blue. (Abby, Saturday nights are reserved for my husband.)
Two weeks ago, my sister invited me to a matinee -- her treat. She tearfully informed me that she was not sleeping well (she was being treated for depression and chronic fatigue syndrome). I told her, "Working people don't go to matinees, but when you get your life together, you'll know what 'chronic-living-life-fatigue' is."
My little sister will never call again. She took her life last week.
My sister had some of the best medical help available, and I know she was ultimately responsible for her own life. But I also know that I'll never again brush her hair out of her sleepy blue eyes or trade my blouse for her mauve lipstick, or tell her she's not fat -- she's beautiful.
Most of all, I will never forgive myself for not realizing how suicidal my sister was. Perhaps this letter will prevent others from making the mistakes I made. -- LESSON LEARNED IN THE WORST OF WAYS
DEAR LESSON LEARNED: Please accept my sincere sympathy on the tragic loss of your sister. It is vital that you understand it's common for those who survive the suicide of a loved one to experience guilt, and to feel that somehow they could have prevented the tragedy.
True, agreeing to get together with your sister when she asked would have given you different memories, but in all likelihood, it would not have prevented her from taking her life. Her troubles were far deeper than a social visit could have remedied.
I urge you and anyone who is struggling to cope with the suicide of a loved one to find a support group. Any crisis center or suicide hotline can refer you to a group in your area.
Please write to me again. May God bless you -- and he will if you have faith.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I just returned from a week of hiking along the Washington coast. On our last night, we stayed at a fancy lodge to rest before returning home. My friend suggested that next year he bring his wife and we invite another couple to join us so we could rent a cabin overlooking the coast. Since I am single, that means five of us would be occupying the cabin.
My friend suggested we split the bill three ways. I said the bill should be split five ways. He became upset at my suggestion and hasn't spoken to me since we returned home.
Thinking I may have been out of line, I asked my family and close work associates how this bill should be split. My question has generated quite a debate, with only my brother and two co-workers agreeing with me. We are all waiting for your thoughts on how to split the bill -- and I will abide by your advice. -- ALAN IN MONTESANO, WASH.
DEAR ALAN: If you are on a tight budget, "take the fifth." Otherwise, assume one-third of the expense.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)