To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girlfriend Questions Ex Wife's Presence at Family Gatherings
DEAR ABBY: I am living with a guy (I'll call him Ron) who has an ex-wife and three kids. Whenever there is a family reunion or any kind of family gathering, Ron's ex-wife is invited. I do not like this woman and feel very uncomfortable around her.
Abby, since they have been divorced for nearly five years, she is no longer a part of Ron's family. I realize she's the mother of his children and they are a part of the family, but SHE is not. I am divorced myself. The only thing my ex and I have in common is our son, and I never get invited to his family affairs, nor do I even think about going.
What do you think about this? -- HAD IT WITH FAMILY AFFAIRS
DEAR HAD IT: Apparently Ron's ex-wife has maintained a friendlier relationship with her former family than you have with yours. Therefore, if you are going to attend reunions and other family gatherings with your live-in guy, you had better learn to tolerate her presence.
DEAR ABBY: What does one do with wedding pictures after a divorce? My daughter has given me strict orders that she doesn't want to look at them again.
These are large wedding portraits that include many family members along with the once bride and groom. Some of the relatives have passed away and the photographs are precious to me.
I hope you can help me. Please do not use my name. -- CALIFORNIA READER
DEAR READER: On the backs of the portraits, write the names of those in the pictures and their relationship to you, along with the date they were taken. Then put the pictures away. They are part of your family history and some of your relatives may want them someday.
DEAR ABBY: I had been happily married to "Jake" for six years. Then last year, things started to go downhill. His sister committed suicide. I suppose I could have been more supportive, but I've never had anybody close to me die before and I couldn't handle it. Soon after, I found alcohol hidden in cabinets, which means that Jake, who had been sober for 10 years, had started drinking again.
One night, one of his female co-workers took him out and got him drunk. He said all he remembers is waking up in her bed. To his credit, he came home and admitted what he had done. Naturally, I kicked him out.
A week later, Jake collapsed on the job and was taken to the hospital where they found cancer all through his body. I rushed to his side. He begged me to forgive him and promised to stop drinking and to work hard at our marriage for his remaining months.
I don't know what to do. I still love him, but I don't want to get hurt again. He has broken promises before, but I just can't let him die alone. Please help me, Abby. -- TORN APART
DEAR TORN: Please open your heart and your arms to your dying husband. You will never regret it.
Parents' Pressure to Win Takes Bounce Out of Basketball Game
DEAR ABBY: We recently attended our niece's sixth-grade basketball game at the YMCA. The game was supposed to be noncompetitive and fun -- however, it was anything but that. The parents of the opposing team were yelling at our niece, screaming and cheering every time she missed a basket. At least three children broke down in tears during the game.
To counter a written complaint the coach made, the wives of the other team's coaches made up lies and reported them to the director. (All the lies were subsequently refuted by the referees, kids on both teams and some parents.)
Abby, I can't believe that so much pressure could be put on young people. Girls are especially vulnerable at 11 or 12. While it's part of the game to get excited about winning, I wish more parents would consider the kids' emotions. What do you think? -- CONCERNED MOM IN INDIANA
DEAR CONCERNED MOM: For parents to humiliate children on the opposing team in an attempt to give their own children a psychological advantage is shameful. The parents should consider what they are teaching their children by their example.
Aside from the obvious health benefits that sports offer children of both sexes, the children are supposed to be learning teamwork and good sportsmanship.
DEAR ABBY: Recently a reader wrote telling you that she sees nothing wrong with listing toy preferences and clothing sizes on birthday party invitations. After all, she said, birthday gifts are expected. I am certain that she wrote this based upon her frame of reference, but I would like to respond from mine.
Last year, my son had a party to celebrate his 11th birthday. Written invitations -- no mention of gifts -- were distributed. The day of the party, one invited boy phoned to say he probably would not show up. Knowing a little about the boy and his family, I suspected the problem was that he could not afford a gift -- so I whispered a suggestion to my son while he was still on the phone. Then, continuing his conversation with the boy, my son said, "Come to the party. And don't worry about a present. I have plenty of toys. I just want YOU." The boy came to the party, with no present. No one cared.
Another boy showed up and presented my son with an obviously used toy, which was the cause of tears that night in bed. My son was upset and trying to figure out if he should keep the present or return it to his friend, a classmate. A few days before the party, my son had found out the boy was living in a dilapidated shack with his family -- a discovery that was anything but easy for my son to deal with.
Imagine if we had listed appropriate gifts on a party invitation! How unkind that would have been. None of us ever really knows what the circumstances are for others, and because we never know, perhaps it's best not to make assumptions. -- CAROLINE IN ASTORIA, ORE.
DEAR CAROLINE: How true. Your letter illustrates that point very well.
DEAR ABBY: I thought you might enjoy this story. My grandson and granddaughter were invited to their grandmother's house for Christmas dinner.
Noting all the candles on the table, my grandson said there were enough for a menorah. His grandmother replied that she didn't really know what a menorah is used for, whereupon my 10-year-old granddaughter said, "Grandma, that's what you spread on the garden." -- BUD IN ST. PETE
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Forgiveness Is Divine Idea During Week of Reflection
DEAR ABBY: I love reading your column. A couple of years ago, I read a piece on forgiveness and realized that, like many other people, I don't know how to forgive or ask for forgiveness. Your column helped. Would you please run it again? -- MRS. G.S.K.P., LAKE WORTH, FLA.
DEAR MRS. G.S.K.P.: Pleased to oblige. Since this is International Forgiveness Week, your letter is timely. The poem you requested was written by George Roemisch.
FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is the wind-blown bud
which blooms in placid beauty at Verdun.
Forgiveness is the tiny slate-gray sparrow
which has built its nest of twigs and string
among the shards of glass upon the wall of shame.
Forgiveness is the child who laughs in merry ecstasy
beneath the toothed fence that closes in Da Nang.
Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet
which still clings fast to the heel that crushed it.
Forgiveness is the broken dream
which hides itself within the corner of the mind
oft called forgetfulness so that it will not bring
pain to the dreamer.
Forgiveness is the reed
which stands up straight and green
when nature's mighty rampage halts, full spent.
Forgivness is a God who will not leave us
after all we've done.
So, dear readers, a gentle reminder: If perchance you are the "heel" that crushed a violet -- this is the week to seek forgiveness.
DEAR ABBY: I received a down comforter for Christmas. It has done such a great job of keeping me toasty warm, I wake in the middle of the night sweating. Yet if I throw off the comforter, I find myself freezing again. (My parents gave me the comforter because I constantly complained about how cold the house is.)
One of my friends suggested that I sleep in the nude. She started doing it herself after she got an electric blanket. I tried it a few times and it works. I no longer wake up sweating.
I am writing because I feel guilty about sleeping in the nude. Nobody knows that I sleep in the nude. I keep a full-length robe that completely conceals my body to slip on when I get out of bed, but I still fear that I'm doing something wrong. My friend, who also sleeps in the nude, tried to reassure me that what I am doing is not immoral -- and she is more active in our church than I am. But it hasn't erased my doubts. Can you help? I want to continue sleeping in the nude, but want to do so guilt-free. -- NAKED UNDER THE FEATHERS
DEAR NAKED: As long as you sleep alone, why should you feel guilty? Sleeping in the nude is harmless. It's neither indecent nor immoral. And since you keep a bathrobe handy, I see no reason why you shouldn't continue if you're more comfortable that way.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)