To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Diaries Give Extraordinary Voice to Ordinary Events
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Tempted in Tennessee" NOT to destroy her diary of 50 years. She should leave it to a women's history archive, such as the Newcomb College Center for Research on Women in New Orleans.
Women's lives are reported far too often through the eyes of the men around them. Their writings and papers are either considered inconsequential or, if they're saved, they are archived with those of their spouse.
Diaries give historians and other scholars insights into the daily lives of ordinary women (and men) and are a valuable resource. Public television recently had a program about the diary of a midwife in early 18th-century Maine. This diary is the focal point of a marvelous book by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, "A Midwife's Tale." Reading the diary excerpts in this book gives one a picture of the daily experiences of women in that time and place. Ulrich went beyond just the daily activities and wove them into a historical background.
The place for longtime diaries is, ultimately, a research library. According to the archivist at Newcomb, if you do not want to give up the papers themselves, they can be copied onto acid-free paper and the papers preserved for historians. The archivist will also tell you how to maintain any privacy you feel is needed. (I am currently doing this with a collection of letters my uncle wrote during World War II.)
Please don't destroy records of lives -- let them become part of our history. -- SUE ROWLAND, SLIDELL, LA.
DEAR SUE: Thank you for pointing this out. "Tempted in Tennessee" did not include her name and address with her letter, so I'm printing yours in the hope that she (and others who keep diaries and journals) will see it. I was unaware that research libraries might find them valuable.
Since that letter appeared, I have been inundated with letters telling me that such memorabilia could also be of interest to libraries and historical societies. If the contents are very personal, they can be donated under the condition that the contents not be revealed before a specific period of time has elapsed -- say, 25 to 50 years.
DEAR ABBY: May I share with you what my 17-year-old stepson, Brandon McCoy, has done on his birthday since he was 11 years old? He has a party and invites many friends. He asks them to design a card or write a funny poem for him instead of buying a commercial card. He also asks them to bring cans of food instead of gifts. Friends deposit a sack of food as they enter the party, and no one sees who brought how much or what -- they just see a sack.
After the party, Brandon calls the food bank to come and pick up the "loot."
What inspired Brandon was seeing a man begging for food outside a fast-food place. He took the man inside and bought him a meal, and thus was born the tradition of celebrating his birthday by gathering food for hungry people in our neighborhood.
Abby, he has fed many families this way, and we are so proud of him. -- MAX AMOS, ANDERSON, IND.
DEAR MAX: I can see why you are proud of this generous-spirited young man. Brandon's idea could be implemented at holiday parties as well. Sharing the "wealth" with those less fortunate should be part and parcel of the holiday season.
DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I left "Bill," the man I had lived with for almost four years and with whom I have a daughter. I left him to move in with "John," someone I met on the Internet. It was a big mistake. John turned out to be a pathological liar who used me for my money. I was deeply hurt.
Abby, during our six months together, he was hired twice, but was fired from each job within two weeks. I bought him everything he had. He promised to repay me, but I haven't received one red cent from him. I am now filing for bankruptcy.
John told me he loved me and wanted us to marry and have a family. He talked me into going off the pill. I agreed because I loved him and wanted another child. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I realized that John had lied to me about everything, so I broke up with him.
Bill and I are back together now, and getting married soon. Since he will be raising the child, he wants his name on the birth certificate instead of John's. John is leaving the state and I don't think he will be back.
My question is: What last name should my child have? John feels that the baby should have his last name because he is the biological father. He threatened that if I didn't agree, he would get a court order. Can he do that since we were never married?
Abby, should I put Bill's name, John's name or "father unknown" on the birth certificate? -- UNDECIDED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR UNDECIDED: I see no reason why you should put Bill's name on the birth certificate since he is not the child's biological father. However, since what you put on the birth certificate could have unforeseen consequences in the future, I urge you not to make this decision without consulting a lawyer.
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column most of my life, and more often than not I agree with your advice. However, when I read your response to "Wondering in Minnesota" about whether or not Protestants should kneel when participating in a Catholic celebration, I totally disagreed. You assert that it is not necessary for a Protestant to kneel when Catholics do.
Abby, I recently visited the Holy Land, and had the opportunity to enter many houses of worship and other holy places. Men (Jewish, Christian, Moslem) are required to cover their heads with a yarmulke when entering the confines of the Western/Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, so I did likewise. At the entrance to the mosque Al-Aksa, Jerusalem's Dome of the Rock, all are required to remove their shoes, so I removed my shoes.
Did I wear a yarmulke or remove my shoes because I believed in, agreed with or understood the religious reasons for these practices? No. I observed these traditions to show my respect while in the spiritual homes of my Jewish or Moslem brothers and sisters.
Not kneeling in Catholic services could be seen as a lack of respect to our specific approach to the universal God and the religious traditions of our people. Although most Catholics would never put someone out of a church for not kneeling, failure to kneel may send the wrong message.
Remember, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." -- FATHER R. TONY RICARD, NEW ORLEANS
DEAR FATHER RICARD: Thank you for writing and stating your viewpoint. However, the compromise offered by the Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles is to offer the option of kneeling, not kneeling, or merely sitting quietly. In other words, it's up to the individual.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Restrictions on Cell Phones Bring Letters Pro and Con
DEAR ABBY: This is a response to your answer to Carol Rushing of Omaha, in which you said there should be a law restricting the use of cell phones while driving.
Your knee-jerk reaction harms all of our freedoms. Perhaps you will next suggest we pass laws that state:
-- No tuning the radio while driving.
-- No looking at your passenger during conversation while driving.
-- No adjusting the temperature while driving.
-- No driving without eight hours of sleep.
I could go on and on. We'll always have tragic accidents no matter how many laws you try to pass. This potential loss of freedom is much more tragic.
The marketplace can address these issues without requiring more laws. For example, the radio and heat controls could be located on the steering wheel for ease of use while driving. And there's no reason the cell phone can't be integrated into the car to allow hands-free use. Remember the CB radio? Truck drivers have used them for more than 20 years while driving. You just have to give people the time to adjust to new technology, not attach restrictive laws with each new development. -- TOM LYNCH, CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA
DEAR TOM: As someone who has seen drivers holding cell phones in one hand and gesturing with the other while driving, I must disagree. A study in 1997 by the University of Toronto researchers Donald Redelmeier and Robert Tibshirani concluded that drivers talking on cell phones are four times as likely to have an accident as those who do not use cell phones while behind the wheel. The communications director of the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety was recently quoted as saying, "There's no question they (cell phones) contribute to crashes." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your suggestion of a law requiring people to pull over to use car phones is a good one. I have read that statistically, talking on the phone while driving is as dangerous as drunk driving. Why isn't this publicized more? My husband commutes, and amost daily must act fast to dodge drivers who are talking on their cell phones while zooming along at 85 mph and darting in and out of freeway traffic. I think phoning and driving should be as illegal as drinking and driving.
How about a campaign, Abby, with slogans and posters: "It was the last call he ever made," or, "There are no phones in coffins," or a picture of a mom in a hospital bed, with the words: "She can't come to the phone right now -- she's in a coma." It could save as many lives as Mothers Against Drunk Driving. -- MARY SUE PLANCK, SAN FRANCISCO (CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT DON'T DO IT FROM YOUR CAR)
DEAR MARY SUE: Thank you for a letter that's sure to be thought-provoking for many people with cell phones. If it makes just one person pull over and stop before making a call, it will have been worth the space in my column.
P.S. Has anybody ever told you that you have a flair for advertising? The ad campaign you've conceived could be a blockbuster.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.