Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
House Is Too Small to Hold Both in Laws and Criticism
DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law, "Bert," and his wife of 10 years, "Mary," will be coming to town for a family reunion. My husband wants to invite them to stay with us. I'm reluctant to extend the invitation for a number of reasons. After the birth of our last child, we no longer have a spare room. The other reasons are emotional.
When Bert and Mary moved across country nine years ago, they would return every year for a 10- to 14-day visit. They always stayed in our guest room. Their last visit was three years ago, while I was pregnant with our youngest.
Mary actually told me she thought I was too old to be having another child. During their visits, I had to endure much criticism of my child-rearing skills from Mary, who is childless. They'd invite their friends and family to our home for dinners and barbecues that my husband and I had to provide. When our baby arrived, there was no acknowledgment from them. My husband didn't even get a phone call from them acknowledging his 40th birthday. I send them cards for every holiday and flowers at Christmas. I also send them pictures of the kids, which they never mention when we call.
Bert is always mentioning all his stocks and bonds, so I know they can afford a motel room. However, my husband thinks the "right" thing to do would be to invite them to stay in our home. I would much prefer inviting them for dinners and spending some time with them, and avoiding the stress of their staying with us. What do you think, Abby? -- FRUSTRATED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: I don't blame you for feeling frustrated. Mary appears to be one of those people who leave discord in their wake. However, since your husband would feel guilty if an invitation isn't extended to his father and Mary, invite them. In view of the fact that you no longer have a guest room to accommodate them, offer them a choice that includes reservations for them at a motel that's not too far away.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to confirm your advice to "Confused," who lost her boyfriend in a motorcycle accident and is wondering if it's too soon for her to get involved with another man.
I lost my husband of six years the same way. I can tell her from experience that six months is too soon to become involved. Grieving people are very vulnerable. The first advice grief counselors give is, "Make no serious life decisions for at least one year after the death of a loved one."
Some very poor decisions can result if they are made while grieving. I married my second husband two years after my first husband died because of an overwhelming need to feel connected. I divorced him two years later.
My advice to "Confused" is: Involve yourself with a group of people so you don't become emotionally dependent on one person. Although loneliness can become overwhelming and the need to reach out is very powerful, give yourself some time. You will be doing yourself -- and the young man -- a favor. -- A WISER WIDOW NOW
DEAR WIDOW: Thank you for writing. I hope "Confused" sees your letter. Your hard-won wisdom could spare a younger woman unnecessary pain.
Time Is Precious Commodity for Retirees Engaged in Life
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Exasperated in Massachusetts" could have been a little more plainspoken. She's the woman who said she and her husband were being driven crazy by the demands of her parents and in-laws, who wanted to spend more time with them than they have to give. In my opinion, she should tell them to "get a life."
Abby, my husband and I are both in our 70s. We raised six children and we're loving our retirement. We are both active in our church, do volunteer work and frequently socialize with our many wonderful friends. We can't find enough hours in the day. When we can find time, we visit with our children and 12 grandchildren, and we treasure those moments.
There are so many classes seniors can take -- I recently completed French and genealogy. Literacy teachers are needed everywhere (I did that, too), and volunteer opportunities abound. My husband volunteers two days a week at one of our local hospitals. We also love to travel, but right now, we're too busy.
"Exasperated" should encourage her parents and in-laws to get involved in life, and she might occasionally ask them to "baby-sit" for a weekend so she and her husband can get away alone. There are a million things for them to do instead of depending on their adult children to entertain them. -- BLESSED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BLESSED: I couldn't agree more. You're obviously enjoying a retirement that's exciting, fulfilling and fun. Read on for more of the feedback that's come in about "Exasperated":
DEAR ABBY: You should have told "Exasperated in Massachusetts" to keep track of all the complaints her parents and in-laws are hurling at her now. That way, she'll know what to say when her kids and grandkids ignore her in another 25 years. If she thinks about it from that point of view, I'll wager she'll come up with all kinds of ways she could make time for her parents and in-laws.
What she's doing now is teaching her children ways to ignore family members -- and I predict it'll come back to haunt her. -- GLAD I'M NOT HER MOM, YORK, PA.
DEAR ABBY: I used to have the same problem as "Exasperated in Massachusetts." My 75-year-old retired father couldn't seem to understand why I couldn't drop everything at the last minute to go to a movie, go to dinner, etc. I really did want to spend time with him. I just couldn't seem to fit it in.
Then I did a "trade-out" with him. If he wanted to go to dinner, I'd ask him to pick up the dry cleaning, go to the bank for me and pick up the kids -- whatever it took to allow me time to go with him. Dinner at home -- no problem. He cooked his specialty, and we all helped clean up.
My father is older now and not well, but I'm glad we had those times together -- and I miss all those things he did so we could have time together. -- HAPPY TO HAVE HAD HELP, RENO, NEV.
DEAR HAPPY: Beautiful! Dad remained needed and useful, and you all benefited by enjoying memorable times together. Kudos to you for coming up with a compromise that made everyone happy.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
EARLY RISER GETS FIRST CRACK AT NEIGHBOR'S MORNING PAPER
DEAR ABBY: We have lived in a small apartment complex for four years. The family next door has lived here a little longer. We get along well with our neighbors and respect each other's boundaries.
I have a habit that I fear may be inappropriate, and I would like your opinion. Our neighbors subscribe to the newspaper, which is delivered very early every morning, long before they get up. I'm an early riser and I hear it hit their front porch. As soon as it does, I reach over and borrow it. I read only my family's horoscopes, the comics and, of course, your column. I never keep any part of their paper, and I always fold it carefully and place it on their porch before they wake up.
Am I doing wrong by sneaking a peek from their daily newspaper? I hope to read your response in their paper. -- SNEAK-A-PEEK NEIGHBOR
DEAR SNEAK-A-PEEK: Yes. The paper belongs to your neighbors. Since they pay for the subscription, they have a right to receive it fresh off the press, not after it's been rifled through. (Don't assume they can't tell.) Ask if they mind your "borrowing" their newspaper and offer to split the cost of their subscription. It's the honorable thing to do.
DEAR ABBY: I am a Lion from the Sandusky Lions Club, in the Ohio city where the late Helen Keller first challenged Lions International to become the "Knights for the Blind."
Periodically you publish announcements of free eye care for the working poor offered early in the year by the American Optometric Association. Please make your readers aware that similar services are offered year-round in most communities of the United States, and also in many communities around the world.
Most towns or cities have a Lions Club. Each one is dedicated to providing services to further sight conservation. Most of our clients are referred by school nurses or various churches. The clients tend to be individuals who do not qualify for Medicaid and have no medical insurance.
Please let your readers know that they should contact a local Lions Club member if they know anyone in need of services for loss of sight or diabetes (the leading cause of blindness). -- JUDE THEIBERT, SANDUSKY, OHIO
DEAR JUDE: Thank you for the timely reminder that the Lions Club provides these important services. And thank you, Lions, for meeting Helen Keller's challenge.
Readers, you can assist the Lions Club in fulfilling their mission by donating your old eyeglasses. Call your local Lions Club or look for Lions Club collection barrels in libraries, malls, eyewear stores or other public places. Better yet, call 1-800-74SIGHT (747-4448) for the address of the nearest collection site.
What a wonderful gift to give during this holiday season -- the gift of sight!
P.S. The Lions Club is the largest service organization in the world, with an impressive 144,000 clubs in 185 countries. Almost a million and a half members, men and women, volunteer their time for humanitarian causes. Staggering figures, to say the least.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)