What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Stuck in Dreary Job Seeks Out Brighter Lights
DEAR ABBY: I am 17, almost 18, out of high school, and working at an advertising agency. My aunt and someone I knew there got me the job.
When took the job, I thought it would be glamorous. Wrong. It's boring. I do the job well, but I don't enjoy working behind a desk seven-plus hours a day. I am very outgoing and want to work in the entertainment field.
Abby, I would like to go to college and study music, but my parents are so proud of me for having this job that I'm afraid it would break their hearts if I gave up this opportunity. I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to be stuck here forever. How can I handle this without disappointing my family? -- WANNA BE A STAR
DEAR WANNA BE: I'm sure your parents consider it a feather in your cap to be in advertising at your young age. However, as parents, they would not want you to waste away at a job you dislike. Be honest with them. Tell them you want to go to college and pursue a career in entertainment. They may caution you that the field is risky, but if you promise to also prepare in college for a secondary career in a more stable field, your parents will probably support your decision.
DEAR ABBY: We don't own a computer, but the Internet has had an effect on us. Our daughter lives 300 miles from us, and until our last visit, we always enjoyed the time we spent with her and her family. This time, however, they spent more time on the chat lines than they did with us. We were deeply hurt that the chat lines were more important than we were.
As we returned home, we discussed staying home in the future, rather than driving all that distance only to be put in front of a television set while they sat in front of their computer.
Unfortunately, many people ignore their guests in favor of Internet friends; they see nothing wrong with it.
We hope they recognize themselves in your column and take the message to heart. -- STAYING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
DEAR STAYING HOME: Don't count on it. The guilty rarely recognize themselves in my column and change their ways. I understand that some people get "hooked" on chat lines, but that's no excuse for ignoring guests.
If it's not inconvenient, consider inviting your daughter and her family to spend the holidays at YOUR home occasionally, where no computer can interfere with the celebration or conversation.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a single parent, a father raising a 6-year-old boy. My father also lives in our home. My son gets a lot of attention from Dad and me, and he also has everything money can buy.
My friends have advised me to marry as soon as possible so that my son will have a mother. Should I rush into a marriage, or wait until I find someone very special? (I would rather wait.)
How will living in an all-male household affect my son? -- WONDERING DAD
DEAR WONDERING: Although it's ideal for a child to have two parents in his life, the wrong mother is worse than no mother at all. Children are adaptable, so take your time and listen to your intuition.
Should you notice signs that your son is "missing" something, enlist the help of a female relative to provide some female influence. Or consult a child psychologist to advise you.
RECEPTION DECEPTION LEAVES FATHER DOUBTING SON'S WORD
DEAR ABBY: My son was married last month. Before the wedding, he asked me if I would contribute financially to the reception. I offered to pay for the drinks, and he and his fiancee seemed appreciative. The bride's parents are divorced, but they, too, have each contributed several thousand dollars to the reception.
A few days before the wedding, my son informed me that the total cost of the beverage bill came to nearly $3,000. I wrote a check for that amount.
My son's bride told my wife that there would be some extra charges, so I telephoned the accountant at the hotel to get the exact amount. The accountant informed me that there were no extra charges, and the total bar bill was less than half the amount I had contributed. My son refused to discuss the matter, so I sent the invoice from the hotel to him and his wife two weeks ago. Since then, there has been total silence on their end, and it looks like a cold relationship is developing. My wife says I should forget about the extra $1,700, since they probably needed the money for other expenses. I maintain there's an ethical issue here that shouldn't be swept under the rug. What do you think? -- CHEATED FATHER/FATHER-IN-LAW IN WISCONSIN
DEAR CHEATED: I agree with you. There is the ethical issue of honesty. You were right to let your son and his bride know they couldn't "pull the wool" over your eyes. Their silence indicates their embarrassment and probably an inability to repay the money.
Write a note telling them you'll accept payments on the installment plan. Then bill them every month until they have paid off the debt.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years and have three children. Last spring, my husband moved out to "find himself" and promised he would be back. Well, he found a lady "friend" with whom he's been spending a lot of time, drinking and partying. He never did this before.
When he went camping alone with this woman, it was more than I could take. He said nothing happened. I didn't believe him and filed for divorce. He has nothing to do with me now, and not much to do with the kids. I know it's probably over, and I'm having a hard time accepting it. I have very little self-esteem. Do you think I should try to get him back or accept the situation and get on with my life? He has changed so much that I don't really like him anymore, but I want to do the right thing for the kids' sake. He refuses to give up this woman -- she even comes before the kids.
Abby, what do you think? -- HURTING IN FARGO, N.D.
DEAR HURTING: After 18 years, you know your husband very well. Since he refuses to give up the woman and try to revive the marriage, you have no choice but to go on with your life.
During a long marriage, sometimes it's hard to distinguish between where you leave off and your spouse begins. It's important that you now allow time for yourself. The better you become reacquainted with yourself, and the more independent you become, the more your self-esteem -- and your life -- will improve.
If the going gets rough, talk to your friends, your minister or a counselor. Although it's hard to start over, and it will take some time, you will get over this unhappiness and emerge stronger for it. Trust me.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Funeral Speakers Should Share Their Names as Well as Stories
DEAR ABBY: I recently attended yet another funeral where several speakers shared reminiscences of the deceased. As charming and comforting as the stories were, it was very frustrating to listen to even the most heartfelt comments when I had no idea who the speakers were or their relationship to the deceased.
Relatives and friends came from hundreds of miles away. The church was packed with schoolmates, neighbors and friends. My family were not the only mourners who had no clue about who these speakers were. A simple, "My name is Bill Smith. Tom and I played football at Granite College together," would have been so considerate. Even the clergy remained anonymous.
One notable exception was a service that Cardinal O'Connor conducted for a longtime friend in Washington, D.C. He didn't presume that everyone knew who he was, and introduced himself and his relationship to the deceased. It made his participation poignant and personal. -- MIFFED MOURNER IN DELAWARE
DEAR MIFFED: Your suggestion is one of the ABCs of public speaking that should be remembered by anyone stepping before a microphone. However, most speakers at funerals and memorials are amateurs who are unaccustomed to speaking before an audience (most are emotionally stressed as well). I'm sure the people you heard were speaking from their hearts, so attribute their omissions to inexperience.
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Paying the Price in Phoenix," the woman who was arrested for DUI:
The reason you were locked in jail like a common criminal is because you WERE a common criminal. It makes no difference whether you are a "professional" or not. Astute officers also arrest doctors, ministers, judges and the like.
Be grateful you lost your license for only 30 days, and you didn't kill anyone! The money you had to pay as a result of your drunken actions is only money. You are alive! Get over your parents being disgusted with you. Would they have their daughter D.O.A. instead of DUI?
The stress you are experiencing will pass, once you get on with the business of living. Mine did. I also called my arresting officers after my hangover cleared to thank them for keeping one more drunk off the streets -- permanently. I learned after two DUIs, and I'm recovering from alcoholism by the grace of God and the 12 steps of AA. -- RECOVERING IN ROME, N.Y.
DEAR RECOVERING: You have written a powerful and sobering letter. Thank you for it -- and continued success in your sobriety.
DEAR ABBY: I believe your suggestion to the guy who has his name on his ex-girlfriend's posterior could be improved upon. Since everybody in their small town knows about it, why not declare her caboose a public billboard and let other names be tattooed on her backside as they qualify?
I had a shipmate during World War II who had his girl's name tattooed on his thigh. After he got the proverbial "Dear John" letter, a short trip to the tattoo artist resulted in "Patty" becoming "Batty" -- which he said he was, to have done it in the first place. -- NO NAME IN TEXAS
DEAR NO NAME: Your letter is a hoot. Fortunately, for tattooed ladies and gentlemen who've had a change of heart -- or circumstances -- laser surgery is an efficient way of erasing the evidence with a minimum of pain.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)