Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Funeral Speakers Should Share Their Names as Well as Stories
DEAR ABBY: I recently attended yet another funeral where several speakers shared reminiscences of the deceased. As charming and comforting as the stories were, it was very frustrating to listen to even the most heartfelt comments when I had no idea who the speakers were or their relationship to the deceased.
Relatives and friends came from hundreds of miles away. The church was packed with schoolmates, neighbors and friends. My family were not the only mourners who had no clue about who these speakers were. A simple, "My name is Bill Smith. Tom and I played football at Granite College together," would have been so considerate. Even the clergy remained anonymous.
One notable exception was a service that Cardinal O'Connor conducted for a longtime friend in Washington, D.C. He didn't presume that everyone knew who he was, and introduced himself and his relationship to the deceased. It made his participation poignant and personal. -- MIFFED MOURNER IN DELAWARE
DEAR MIFFED: Your suggestion is one of the ABCs of public speaking that should be remembered by anyone stepping before a microphone. However, most speakers at funerals and memorials are amateurs who are unaccustomed to speaking before an audience (most are emotionally stressed as well). I'm sure the people you heard were speaking from their hearts, so attribute their omissions to inexperience.
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Paying the Price in Phoenix," the woman who was arrested for DUI:
The reason you were locked in jail like a common criminal is because you WERE a common criminal. It makes no difference whether you are a "professional" or not. Astute officers also arrest doctors, ministers, judges and the like.
Be grateful you lost your license for only 30 days, and you didn't kill anyone! The money you had to pay as a result of your drunken actions is only money. You are alive! Get over your parents being disgusted with you. Would they have their daughter D.O.A. instead of DUI?
The stress you are experiencing will pass, once you get on with the business of living. Mine did. I also called my arresting officers after my hangover cleared to thank them for keeping one more drunk off the streets -- permanently. I learned after two DUIs, and I'm recovering from alcoholism by the grace of God and the 12 steps of AA. -- RECOVERING IN ROME, N.Y.
DEAR RECOVERING: You have written a powerful and sobering letter. Thank you for it -- and continued success in your sobriety.
DEAR ABBY: I believe your suggestion to the guy who has his name on his ex-girlfriend's posterior could be improved upon. Since everybody in their small town knows about it, why not declare her caboose a public billboard and let other names be tattooed on her backside as they qualify?
I had a shipmate during World War II who had his girl's name tattooed on his thigh. After he got the proverbial "Dear John" letter, a short trip to the tattoo artist resulted in "Patty" becoming "Batty" -- which he said he was, to have done it in the first place. -- NO NAME IN TEXAS
DEAR NO NAME: Your letter is a hoot. Fortunately, for tattooed ladies and gentlemen who've had a change of heart -- or circumstances -- laser surgery is an efficient way of erasing the evidence with a minimum of pain.
Isolated Woman in Apartment Is Itching to Get Small Dog
DEAR ABBY: I am an older woman living an isolated life in a tiny apartment, but I try to keep myself busy. I am forced to live here due to tight finances and poor health. Rather than depending on medication or counseling, I think having a small dog would lift my depression and bring me much happiness.
Because of my restricted income, I cannot find an apartment complex that will allow dogs. The owner of my building claims he doesn't allow them because of fleas, but isn't there something you can give dogs to remedy that problem? -- A DAILY READER
DEAR DAILY READER: It's a fact that pets can have a therapeutic effect on chronically ill people. And you are correct that there are medications available that have practically eliminated flea problems -- if the dog is kept inside or in a restricted area. If the dog is taken out where many other dogs have been, it could be exposed again; however, with care, fleas should be no problem.
Call a veterinarian and ask for information about flea protection; then approach your landlord again. If he (or she) still refuses, contact the nearest senior center or agency on aging for assistance in negotiating with your landlord. If no compromise is possible, perhaps they will help you find an affordable apartment where pets are allowed.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary. Our problem is that most people -- including our families -- think it was our sixth anniversary. We were married quietly because we were short of money. When we had enough saved up to have the wedding we wanted, we got "married" again, and didn't mention the first one. We felt that if people knew we were already husband and wife, they wouldn't view our ceremony and reception as special and might not attend.
We didn't really lie. We just never discussed our quiet marriage ceremony, and no one ever asked how long we've been married. When someone does ask, we don't hide the facts.
Abby, should we come clean? -- NOT QUITE TRUTHFUL IN GEORGIA
DEAR NOT QUITE TRUTHFUL: Allowing others to believe a falsehood while withholding the truth is akin to lying. The date of your marriage is nobody's business but yours; however, since your conscience is bothering you, tell your family the truth. There's no way to sugar-coat the deception, but I suspect your family and friends will be understanding. You may be surprised to discover you're not the only couple who have fibbed about the date of their marriage.
DEAR ABBY: You recently pointed out to your readers the importance of senior citizens getting their flu shots and pneumococcal immunizations. Abby, please remind them that it is also important to keep their tetanus vaccinations current. People tend to forget that a tetanus booster is needed every 10 years after the initial immunization.
Thank you for helping to keep seniors -- and others -- healthy. -- MARY SHINN, IMPERIAL COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT, EL CENTRO, CALIF.
DEAR MARY: Thank YOU. Readers, may I remind you to also keep a list in your wallet of all immunization dates and medications you take, as well as drug allergies. In case of an emergency, this information can be vital.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
COLD TURKEY IS BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT SMOKER GAVE HIMSELF
DEAR ABBY: It will be three years this Christmas that I gave myself the best Christmas gift anyone could give me. I quit smoking, cold turkey. It was Christmas Eve and I had two cigarettes left in the pack. When I finished the last one, I looked at the pack, crumpled it up in my hand, and thought to myself how much I disliked everything about cigarettes. When I threw the pack away, I decided then and there I wouldn't run to the store for more.
I can't explain what happened to me the next day (Christmas), but it was as though I had never smoked a cigarette in my life! I didn't go through any nicotine withdrawals or have the shakes, or even think about wanting a smoke -- and I still feel the same way today.
In the past, I had quit for 3 1/2 years, twice for two years, once for 18 months, for a total of nine years. They were horrible times. Any time I was in the presence of a person who was smoking, I wanted a cigarette. I suffered from withdrawal and the shakes. I now know that I will never smoke another cigarette.
Abby, I started when I was 13. I am now 52 and hope to live another 30 years. My parents were smokers, but they quit more than 30 years ago. Today, they are 79 and 83 years old. My mother lost three sisters to cancer (two of them were smokers). My father lost two brothers and two sisters, one of whom had emphysema, one had cancer, and two died of heart attacks. They were all heavy smokers.
I just want to say, Don't give up trying. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I've never felt better and am looking forward to the rest of my life. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN NEW YORK
DEAR BEEN THERE: Congratulations on kicking your addiction. You're right; it was the best Christmas gift you could have received. My readers confirm that although it's a jolt to the system, "cold turkey" is the most effective way to stop smoking. Perhaps your letter will inspire other smokers to quit smoking. I can't imagine a more meaningful gift to themselves and their families.
DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged almost 14 months. My fiance never mentions marriage. When I bring it up, he says the relationship isn't great enough to discuss marriage. The only time he wants me is when I tell him I'm going to move on with my life.
He told me that I care far too much for him, and if I want him to love me the way I want him to, I will have to start caring less for him. He is much older than I am.
Abby, I just don't feel the love is being returned. Before we got engaged, he cheated on me and lied about it. He claims she was "only a friend," but it happened more than once. He still keeps in contact with her. I now have a hard time trusting him when he goes anywhere.
He says I have to forget about the past and move on to the future. I don't believe people can move on with the future while the past still haunts them. What do you think? -- WANTS TO BE LOVED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR WANTS TO BE LOVED: From what you have described to me, I'm hesitant to call your arrangement an engagement. If your "fiance" is serious about marrying you, he certainly doesn't act like it. Listen to your intuition. It's pointing you in the right direction.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a merry Christmas, but also keep in mind: If you're drinking, do not drive; if you're driving, please do not drink.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.