For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
In Laws' Anniversary Invitation Is High Price to Pay to Party
DEAR ABBY: My in-laws are having a large and expensive celebration for their 40th anniversary. They are demanding that all five children kick in $250 toward the party. We live in another state and our tickets to attend are very expensive. Abby, we feel the cost of our tickets is enough expense without helping to pay for THEIR party. They invited us!
My father is 80 years old, and he and Mom will have a 50th anniversary soon. That is something to celebrate. I don't mind paying for it myself, and I won't ask anyone to help.
Which anniversaries should be celebrated with a big celebration? And must we help pay for their party? (No one offered to help us with the expense of our plane tickets.) -- JACKIE IN COLORADO SPRINGS
DEAR JACKIE: Forty years of marriage is something to celebrate, and a party is appropriate. Usually the couple hosts the party, but if the children wish, they can give the party. If the children planned this celebration, then they should each pay a share. However, if your in-laws planned the party, they are the hosts and the children should not be forced to finance it. It would be gracious to chip in if you can afford to, but if you cannot, let your in-laws know it would cause financial hardship. Perhaps they will excuse you.
P.S. The fifth, 10th, 20th, 25th, 40th, 50th and 60th are typically celebrated in style, but many couples also celebrate anniversaries in between with small parties with family or close friends.
DEAR ABBY: While my daughter and I were standing at the window, we saw that her 3-year-old had stopped his tricycle and leaned his chin on the handlebars. When we looked again, he was in the exact same position, which was unusual for him. Laughing, we went out to see what had captured his attention for so long.
His face was turning blue. The cord on the hood of his jacket had come unfastened, and when he leaned forward it had become entangled in the pedal. Each turn of the pedal had pulled him tighter against the handlebars until he could go no farther. Thank God, he was fine as soon as we cut him loose.
Children's coats should fasten with snaps or Velcro, and slacks should have no belts to remove. A baby can strangle on any string or cord -- even that ribbon used to hold its pacifier. -- NAOMI GLENN, A CONCERNED GRANDMA, HILLSBORO, OHIO
DEAR NAOMI: Your grandson's near-miss must have been terrifying for all concerned. Thank you for alerting other parents and grandparents to this potential danger. This valuable information may save some lives.
DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate for a couple to announce their engagement at another couple's wedding?
My sister-in-law and her fiance did that at our wedding -- at the request of my mother-in-law. I'm very upset about it, and my husband says I'm being selfish and petty.
Abby, are they right, or am I? (Please don't use my name.) -- BRISTLED BRIDE
DEAR BRIDE: You are correct. What your sister-in-law did at her mother's behest was akin to the cute little child actor stealing the star's spotlight.
However, please be generous enough to forgive them, so this sore spot doesn't fester and eat away at family relationships. Harmony is more important than highlighting a breach of etiquette.
Renting With Boyfriend Could Cost Woman Her Independence
DEAR ABBY: I am a female, 20 years old. I live in an apartment by myself, have a new car and heavy new car payments. I'm working two jobs in order to pay my bills. Work takes up so much of my time and energy that, quite frankly, I'm about ready to go crazy. Not only that, I don't have time to go to school, which is really terrible -- because I have career goals.
My boyfriend and I have dated almost three years. We were best friends for a year and a half before we started going out. He's a wonderful guy, and we've always gotten along great. He lives in a house with a roommate and things aren't going well there, so the idea of us living together came up. It's not like, "Oh, we need to take our relationship a step further." It's just that we'd both greatly benefit from it, and we get along great -- so why not? I know he'd be a good roommate.
My problem? If I didn't have financial problems, and could go back to school as things are now, I wouldn't live with him. I prefer living alone. I have thought this through, but there really are no other alternatives. There aren't any apartments that would cut my living expenses enough so I could quit my second job.
I'm afraid if we live together it would be for the wrong reasons. But if I don't, I won't be able to go back to school. Do you think it would be a mistake? If so, have you any suggestions? -- SCARED TO SHARE IN ARIZONA
DEAR SCARED: Yes. Do not move in with anyone unless you're 100 percent sure you want to live with that person. Sell the new car and drive something more economical, and put an ad in the paper for a female roommate to share expenses until you can live alone without causing yourself economic hardship. That way, you won't risk losing a boyfriend.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a sophomore attending college in Houston. Every once in a while since I've been in school, I would receive an e-mail message from my grandmother with a nice poem or meaningful essay. I never questioned where she got them because she has always loved to read, and I knew she probably ran across things like that quite often.
On my last birthday in July, she sent me a copy of your booklet titled "Keepers," and as I flipped through it I recognized several of the pieces she had sent me. Then I knew where she had gotten them.
Gramma died suddenly last month of a massive stroke. It was a shock to all of us because we had no idea she wasn't in tiptop shape.
Last week, Mom and I went to her home to sort through her things and distribute her belongings to family members or her favored charities. I found your booklet in her night stand, right next to her Bible. She must have treasured the booklet to have kept it next to her Bible, which she read every day without fail.
Thank you, Abby, for putting so many meaningful things in one booklet. I'm sure she isn't the only one who has enjoyed it. I will treasure my copy even more knowing she liked it, too. -- CYNTHIA BETH IN HOUSTON
DEAR CYNTHIA BETH: Thank you for your heartwarming letter. It pleases me that your grandmother shared her favorite pieces from "Keepers" with you. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the death of your beloved Gramma.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Wants to Point the Way for Boyfriend Without Direction
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is a 19-year-old college sophomore who is studying to become a teacher. Her longtime boyfriend, "Arnie," is a 21-year-old part-time student who works and goes to college. He has not chosen a major yet.
Abby, Arnie is a fine young man who loves my daughter, but he doesn't have much direction and hasn't given much thought to the future. He has received little guidance from his parents, who don't seem to care if he graduates from college or not. His siblings went to work straight out of high school.
This concerns me because my husband is a successful businessman, and our family has a very nice lifestyle. We drive new cars, go on nice vacations and are putting our three children through college. I know if my daughter marries Arnie, they probably will never be able to afford the lifestyle she is accustomed to.
Should I express my concerns to my daughter, and try to give Arnie some advice, or mind my own business? -- A LOVING MOM
DEAR MOM: By all means express your concerns to your daughter, if you can do so without alienating her and Arnie. Do not, however, speak to the young man about his perceived shortcomings; your daughter should do that if she feels his lack of ambition is a problem.
It's fine to offer advice to your daughter if you leave it up to her to follow or discount it. But if you alienate Arnie, it might unite them in the face of adversity.
DEAR ABBY: I have a great marriage and a group of close friends. We spend a lot of time together, as couples and individually, and have a great time.
One of the friends in my group is a single male. He is unhappy about the situation, but he's too shy to seek out a relationship, too proud to let his friends introduce him to a woman, and too private to discuss his feelings in depth. However, I know that he feels self-conscious as the only "unattached" member of the group. How can I help my friend? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN BERKELEY
DEAR CONCERNED: Bless you for wanting to help. In an active college community like Berkeley, there are many single women available. Be subtle about it, but include a few "singles" along with your friend in some of your group activities and let nature take its course. If something develops -- you'll get an "A" in chemistry.
DEAR ABBY: This is a thank-you note. For many years, I have found your column to be terrific and insightful. The questions, problems and solutions you have offered have helped me throughout my life in relationships, marriage and the raising of two fine children, as well as in business.
I have read your column since I was 14 years old, and as I approach my 50th birthday, and my wife and I near our 25th anniversary, it seemed a good idea to let you know that you've had a positive impact.
Sometimes it's been years before your advice has come in handy, but I am grateful to have had your wise counsel in advance of the problems.
Abby, in the school of life, you're been a great educator. -- STEVE SAETA, CAMARILLO, CALIF.
DEAR STEVE: Thank you! I, too, was a student once, and we all learn from others more experienced than ourselves.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)