For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have a bone to pick with you. I am a widow living in a seniors building. One of the residents brought your column on sending anniversary cards to a surviving spouse to the community room.
Your advice was wrong! There are eight of us here who should know. Speaking for myself, I would NOT want to receive an anniversary card, because one person cannot celebrate something that two people should. The day should be remembered because it is important, but instead, take the surviving spouse to dinner or to an event to show that you remember. -- EIGHT WIDOWS, VAN DYKE CENTER, DETROIT
DEAR EIGHT WIDOWS: Thank you for offering an opposing viewpoint that was not reflected in the mail I have received. Most widows and widowers who wrote expressed sadness that friends and relatives ignored the anniversary after the spouse died. Sending a card is less expensive than entertaining -- and can mean just as much. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The recent letter from "Concerned Sister-in-Law" moved me to write. She said her mother-in-law had died in 1989, but her sister-in-law still sends anniversary cards to her father. She asked if that was healthy and normal.
Abby, your answer was right on! It is healthy and normal. My husband died three months before our 55th wedding anniversary. On our anniversary, our daughter gave me a gift, a potted plant and a coffee mug with her father's name on it. It made a lonely day a little brighter.
"Concerned" should be thankful that her sister-in-law shows her love for her father by celebrating the memory of her mother. -- JERRIE FROM VALRICO, FLA.
DEAR JERRIE: Many widows and widowers wrote to confirm that such thoughtful gestures make a sad day more bearable. Read on for a letter from a widow who was less fortunate than you:
DEAR ABBY: I have followed your column for many years, but have never written because I've had a beautiful life and few complaints. I had a marvelous husband for 28 years -- until cancer took him from me.
We had three wonderful sons who never gave us a minute's trouble. They married terrific wives and gave us beautiful grandchildren. So why am I writing? Let me tell you:
Yesterday was my 33rd anniversary, and not a soul mentioned it. When I went to bed last night, I hugged my husband's picture and recalled the happiness of our wedding day. Tears streamed down my face because no one remembered. Even though my spouse will never be with me again on this special date, it's still our anniversary and always will be. -- A YOUNG WIDOW IN GEORGIA
DEAR YOUNG WIDOW: Perhaps your letter will be the catalyst that inspires others to do something positive on those special occasions.
Readers: Now you have both sides of the story. It's up to you to decide if cards, flowers or even a telephone call is thoughtful and appropriate on a birthday or wedding anniversary if one spouse is deceased. I'm confident that you will conclude it is.
Mother's Constant Carping Drains Daughter of Her Love
DEAR ABBY: I love my mother and she says she loves me, but she can be quite difficult. A visit seldom goes by without her getting in at least a few hurtful zingers. There's always something about me that doesn't suit her. She says tactless things she would never dream of saying to anyone else. Telephone conversations don't include comments about my weight and appearance, because, thank goodness, she can't see me. However, she fills the space with advice and lectures.
Visits with Mother drain me. It often takes several days for me to get over being depressed and cranky. My solution is to avoid her.
Mother wants me to visit more often. I would like to accommodate her, and I go as frequently as my bruised psyche can tolerate, and that's it. I prefer the company of friends who accept and appreciate me just as I am. It breaks my heart to have to protect myself from my own mother.
Abby, please tell parents that if they yearn for the company of their adult children to do their part to make the visits mutually pleasant. Set aside parental instincts and treat your offspring with the respect and courtesy due the adult that your child has become. -- EMOTIONALLY BRUISED
DEAR BRUISED: Your problem won't be resolved until you're strong enough to confront your mother and tell her how her criticism has made you feel. Do not approach her in anger. Before you visit, make a list of the comments that hurt you, and tell her how they make you feel. Rehearse what you're going to say until you feel comfortable with it. Then tell her plainly how you expect to be treated in the future.
DEAR ABBY: I must disagree with some of the advice you gave to "Sleepless in Missouri," the woman whose fiance's sister stole an expensive painting and her grandmother's china. You stated that the sister may be suffering from kleptomania, a persistent neurotic impulse to steal, especially without economic motive.
Abby, kleptomania is a rare disorder. People who suffer from it usually steal small, inexpensive items that they have no use for. They usually feel extremely remorseful for what they have done, and frequently either return the items or give them away.
More than likely, the sister of "Sleepless'" fiance is suffering from a sense of entitlement. Since she brazenly displays the stolen items, she seems to feel no qualms about what she has done. She may rationalize it was acceptable to steal the items because "Sleepless" was not using them. Also, she may have thought she wouldn't get caught, or the items would not be missed since they were left in storage.
"Sleepless" should confront her fiance and his sister about the stolen items and be prepared to press charges.
I am as troubled as you, Abby, that her fiance condones his sister's stealing, especially from someone he supposedly loves. I endorse your advice to "Sleepless" to think twice before entering into that marriage. -- SUSAN J. ULLMAN, DIRECTOR OF THEFT TREATMENT PROGRAM, CLERMONT COUNSELING CENTER, BATAVIA, OHIO
DEAR SUSAN: I bow to your expertise. Your advice supports what many readers wrote. They said I was too easy on both the thief and her brother, who brushed off his sister's wrongdoing.
To "Sleepless," I amend my advice to include giving serious consideration to filing charges.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Diaries Give Extraordinary Voice to Ordinary Events
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Tempted in Tennessee" NOT to destroy her diary of 50 years. She should leave it to a women's history archive, such as the Newcomb College Center for Research on Women in New Orleans.
Women's lives are reported far too often through the eyes of the men around them. Their writings and papers are either considered inconsequential or, if they're saved, they are archived with those of their spouse.
Diaries give historians and other scholars insights into the daily lives of ordinary women (and men) and are a valuable resource. Public television recently had a program about the diary of a midwife in early 18th-century Maine. This diary is the focal point of a marvelous book by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, "A Midwife's Tale." Reading the diary excerpts in this book gives one a picture of the daily experiences of women in that time and place. Ulrich went beyond just the daily activities and wove them into a historical background.
The place for longtime diaries is, ultimately, a research library. According to the archivist at Newcomb, if you do not want to give up the papers themselves, they can be copied onto acid-free paper and the papers preserved for historians. The archivist will also tell you how to maintain any privacy you feel is needed. (I am currently doing this with a collection of letters my uncle wrote during World War II.)
Please don't destroy records of lives -- let them become part of our history. -- SUE ROWLAND, SLIDELL, LA.
DEAR SUE: Thank you for pointing this out. "Tempted in Tennessee" did not include her name and address with her letter, so I'm printing yours in the hope that she (and others who keep diaries and journals) will see it. I was unaware that research libraries might find them valuable.
Since that letter appeared, I have been inundated with letters telling me that such memorabilia could also be of interest to libraries and historical societies. If the contents are very personal, they can be donated under the condition that the contents not be revealed before a specific period of time has elapsed -- say, 25 to 50 years.
DEAR ABBY: May I share with you what my 17-year-old stepson, Brandon McCoy, has done on his birthday since he was 11 years old? He has a party and invites many friends. He asks them to design a card or write a funny poem for him instead of buying a commercial card. He also asks them to bring cans of food instead of gifts. Friends deposit a sack of food as they enter the party, and no one sees who brought how much or what -- they just see a sack.
After the party, Brandon calls the food bank to come and pick up the "loot."
What inspired Brandon was seeing a man begging for food outside a fast-food place. He took the man inside and bought him a meal, and thus was born the tradition of celebrating his birthday by gathering food for hungry people in our neighborhood.
Abby, he has fed many families this way, and we are so proud of him. -- MAX AMOS, ANDERSON, IND.
DEAR MAX: I can see why you are proud of this generous-spirited young man. Brandon's idea could be implemented at holiday parties as well. Sharing the "wealth" with those less fortunate should be part and parcel of the holiday season.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)