For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Thinks Her 'Wonderful Guy' Is More Friend Than Lover
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful guy for 18 months. I love him with all my heart and know his love for me is true.
My problem is, I think I would rather be his friend than his girlfriend. He is everything a woman could ever dream of, but I don't view this as a permanent relationship, and I don't want to stand in the way of his finding someone to share his life with.
Should I continue dating him and see if my feelings change, or throw away the best thing that has ever happened to me by telling him goodbye? Sign me ... "K" FROM ARKANSAS
DEAR "K": You say you love this wonderful man with all your heart, but you would rather be his friend than his girlfriend. You are rationalizing. If you loved him, you would want to be his girlfriend. Face it: If the "chemistry" isn't there by now, it never will be. Do yourself (and him) a favor and be honest with him. Tell him he's the most wonderful man you've ever known, but the magic is missing, and while you hate hurting him, you want him to be free to search for mutual love. He'll survive, and with any luck you will both find true love.
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Saddened Mother," who wants to give her son a portion of his inheritance now because he and his family need it? I think she's right. Perhaps my letter will help convince her husband.
My father's attitude about inheritance was always, "I'm going to spend my children's inheritance." That was fine with my brother and me because we love our parents and wanted to see them happy and prosperous. They earned their money and we never asked for anything.
However, a year ago, my father died unexpectedly. My mother decided to give my brother and me equal amounts of money she said she "would never miss." Because of her generosity, I was able to quit my job and stay at home with my two young children. My brother used his windfall to enlarge his home to accommodate his growing family. My mother's life is richer for the pleasure she receives from watching us live better lives. She's glad she did it, and we are forever grateful, although we did not expect it.
Sometimes "the principle of the thing" can get in the way of what's really important in life. Losing my father made us realize that money isn't all-important; we, her children, are the most important part of Mom's life.
I don't know if I can ever thank my mother enough for a gift that has helped me at a time I would never be able to recapture. I am blessed that she understood how much more her help would mean to us as young, struggling families than it would later in life. I hope "Saddened Mother's" husband comes to the same understanding. -- THANKFUL DAUGHTER, MOUNDS VIEW, MINN.
DEAR THANKFUL DAUGHTER: The decision of how to dispose of one's personal wealth is personal, and because family dynamics can differ, there is no "one size fits all" answer. However, your personal account of the positive impact of providing an "early inheritance" may be helpful to the family in turmoil. Thank you for sharing it.
Confident Interfaith Couple Celebrate Happy Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I read with great interest the column in which a young man asked whether or not to marry his girlfriend of another religious faith.
I met my husband more than 15 years ago. I am Christian; he is Jewish. Ours was a similar situation, and friends and relatives from both of our families advised us not to marry -- arguing, "What would the children be raised?"
The Christians wanted my husband to convert, and the Jews were upset that he was marrying out of the Jewish faith. My husband finally got fed up and told everyone to mind their own business because we were 27 years old and could decide for ourselves in a country that grants everyone religious freedom.
Today we're happily married and the parents of three wonderful children who celebrate and respect both religions. They pray all the time and have a deep respect for God. In the meantime, many of our friends and relatives who married within their faiths have divorced, and some of them do not have children with whom to share their faith. Furthermore, some of them have stopped attending worship services at all.
One relative recently told me that our children cannot respect two religions. I told her firmly, "You have to get over this issue. The children have a Jewish dad and a Christian mom. They do respect both religions, and they could probably teach you something about tolerance."
Perhaps John (the Apostle) put it best: "Love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." (I John 4:7).
I hope the couple go ahead and follow their hearts, and I send my best wishes for happiness to them. -- DIANA K. RUBIN, PISCATAWAY, N.J.
DEAR DIANA: It is my belief that couples who love each other, respect each other's differences and are willing to compromise can overcome just about any barrier they encounter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to couples considering marriage to someone of another faith is right on the mark. Honest communication and compromise are fundamental to success, along with self-awareness and basic familiarity with each other's religion. It's not always easy to know how you'll feel about the religious identification of your children when you're not even married yet and don't really know the difference between a baptism and a bris.
Another resource for Jewish/Christian couples, in addition to meetings with clergy, are programs like "Let's Talk" or "Yours, Mine and Ours," sponsored by Reform Jewish Outreach. Couples meet with the guidance of a trained facilitator to explore common issues of child-rearing and family holidays and to search out solutions that work for them. -- DRU GREENWOOD, DIRECTOR, UNION OF AMERICAN HEBREW CONGREGATIONS, COMMISSION ON REFORM JEWISH OUTREACH
DEAR DRU: Thank you for letting my readers know about this resource. "Let's Talk" groups and Introduction to Judaism classes are available throughout North America and can be found on the Internet at http://uahc.org/outreach/ or by calling Reform Jewish Outreach at the Union of American Hebrew Congregations at (212) 650-4230.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
CO-ED ROOMS ON THE ROAD ARE NIXED BY BUSINESSMAN'S WIFE
DEAR ABBY: Please settle a dispute between my husband and me. On a recent business trip he took with five male co-workers and one female co-worker, my husband spent the night in the same room (two double beds in one room) as the woman. When I found out, I hit the ceiling. I don't think it is proper for a married man to share a room with a single woman with whom he works, no matter how innocent or harmless he claims the situation was. I think it also shows a lack of respect for the spouse sitting at home.
The company did not book enough rooms so the woman could have a room of her own, nor did they check to see if a rollaway bed was available so my husband could room with two other men.
My husband doesn't think there was anything wrong with this arrangement and neither did anyone else on the trip. If I hadn't let him know how upset I was, he would have spent all three nights in the same room with her. Now he is upset with me because he had to pay to move to a different hotel. I'm thinking he may have to change jobs if this is the way this company runs its business trips. Please give me your opinion. -- UPSET IN EUGENE, ORE.
DEAR UPSET: It was inappropriate for your husband's company to have booked him in a room with a woman, regardless of either's marital status. Your husband took proper action by moving to another hotel, and the company should reimburse him for his expenses.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 27 years. My in-laws live in another time zone, one hour ahead. When they come here to visit, they stay on their normal schedule. They expect to eat, go to bed, get up, etc., just as they do when they are at home. They literally take over, and my family is expected to do everything on THEIR time.
Abby, I was taught that when you're a houseguest, you're supposed to fit into the lifestyle of your host.
My father-in-law takes us out to eat when he comes here. Does that give him the right to take over our house, boss us, and force us to adapt to his schedule? Please let me know what to do. I'm at my wit's end about this. Should I keep my mouth shut or demand that when they visit they be more considerate?
Please don't reveal my name or location. My husband sides with his parents in this and has threatened to divorce me if I say anything to them about the way I feel. I think it's very rude behavior on the part of the in-laws. They should know better, as they're in their late 60s and early 70s. -- FURIOUS
DEAR FURIOUS: After 27 years, I think it's far too late to change the rules. Your husband's parents are too old to change at this point. As people grow older, their schedules become more difficult to alter. Continue being the accommodating hostess you have always been, and keep the visits -- and the conflict -- to a minimum.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)