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DEAR ABBY: I am a 44-year-old married woman with three children. My husband is a good man in many ways, but has discovered the "joys" of Internet chatrooms. I have caught him talking online in the wee hours of the morning and confronted him about it. It's demeaning to me and my children when he speaks to these "ladies" in a provocative way on the Net. He says it's all in fun.
To make a long story short, I figured out his password and found out that he has been having a pretty steamy "affair" with a young lady out West. I feel betrayed and disgusted. I feel that I've been cheated on. He will say that as long as it isn't physical, it isn't cheating.
I don't know what to do. I love my husband; we've been together for 27 years. Should I confront him with my discovery, or wait it out and hope he gets over his fascination with the forbidden? -- DISGUSTED IN THE MOUNTAINS OF NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR DISGUSTED: Lying to you and carrying on a "steamy" online flirtation is a form of cheating. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed. If the situation were reversed, and your husband discovered you were doing this behind his back, I'm sure he wouldn't be thrilled either. By all means, confront him with what you know. You have every right to demand an end to this dishonesty. Ignoring it won't help. It's time to clear the air.
DEAR ABBY: I have an ongoing problem with my parents and my in-laws. They are in their early 70s, quite healthy and financially sound.
My husband and I have three children, the only grandchildren, in grades 8, 9 and 10. With three children actively involved in sports, we are on the run four to six days per week with school/club activities, music lessons, homework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and I work outside the home.
We do a tenuous balancing act and time is our most precious commodity. Herein lies the problem:
All four parents have become increasingly hostile toward the reality of our lives, which they insist upon interpreting as, "You have time for everything and everyone but us." We call them at least twice a week, entertain them for all family events and see them often, but they're still dissatisfied. They want us to be available (as a family of five) at least once a week for them to "drop by," for us to "drop by" their homes, plus a sit-down meal with them on Sundays at our home.
Our repeated requests for them to spend time with us by attending one of the children's sporting events have been ignored. I speak for my husband and children when I state that we are at our wit's end with the arguments, hostility, tears and guilt trips. We're tired of apologizing for how we live our lives.
I know they are fans of your column. Any advice, Abby? -- EXASPERATED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR EXASPERATED: The situation you describe is typical of many families caught up in the demands of the modern world. Your parents' reaction is generational, too, because your goals are different. They have too much time on their hands; you don't have enough. It is flattering that they want to spend more time with your family; however, for your own peace of mind, don't take their complaints too seriously.
Misguided Expectations Cause Woman Some Awkward Moments
DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old lesbian. I consider myself a nice, easygoing person who tries her best to follow the Golden Rule. I have an outgoing personality, and have no trouble making friends and keeping them. However, it seems as though each time a female friend finds out I'm gay, she expects me to come on to her.
Abby, all I ever wanted was a friend with whom I didn't have to be on guard -- a person who would accept me as a true friend. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean all my friendships have to be sexual. I can enjoy having fun, a good conversation, sharing a movie or shopping with someone who's straight.
I am happily in love with my soul mate of a year and a half, and she has encountered the same thing. Am I doing something wrong that friends view me this way? How can I change my personality to maintain friendships without my kindness being mistaken for anything more? -- "D" IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
DEAR "D": I see no reason for you to change your personality. There is a common misconception in the straight world that because people are gay, they must be attracted to ALL people of the same gender. Of course, that's no more true than the idea that all straight people are necessarily attracted to every person of the opposite sex.
When it happens again, keep your sense of humor and show the friend this column.
DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do about my father. He has recently reunited with his second wife, "Florence," after a three-year separation. During their separation, he would telephone me several times a day and visit our home several times a week. He always complained about Florence and the things she did to him when they were together. I am the only one of his six children in whom he confided.
Abby, now that Dad and Florence are back together, he expects me to forget everything he told me about her and pretend that nothing unpleasant ever happened. He wants us to have a close relationship with her, and he is angry that I don't call or visit them in their home. I have explained that I don't call them because I don't want to speak with his wife.
Abby, I was honest with my dad from the start, but he lied to me for months. He had been seeing Florence for quite some time before they moved back in together.
At the last family get-together, Dad was nice to everyone except my husband and me. He was downright rude to us, and I'm at the point where I don't even want to see him again. My husband feels the same way. Must I force myself to have a relationship with my dad just because he's my father? -- DESPERATE IN ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR DESPERATE: Estrangement often occurs when a third party knows too much about that which a person would rather forget. Although you were a shoulder to cry on and a willing ear into which he could pour his troubles, you now symbolize an unhappy chapter in your father's life.
Don't write him off quite yet. It's very likely that your dad will be back before long with more tales of woe about Florence. Next time, don't let him isolate you by being his only confidant.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HUSBAND CLAIMED HIS 'SPACE' AND NOW WIFE CLAIMS HERS
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 30 years to a man who is in his 60s. He is now retired and has too much time on his hands. When we married, he made it clear he liked his "space," often leaving home without saying goodbye or telling me where he was going.
He said he didn't need to explain his whereabouts, which was very difficult to deal with, but over time and many tears later, I learned to live with it. Later on, he accepted a high-paying job that took him away from our family for long periods. We would see each other on weekends or during school vacations. Over the years I have learned to entertain myself without intruding on his "space" or complaining when he was away for long periods.
Now that he isn't working and I am still working, he doesn't get my attention when he wants it. He says he feels ignored or unloved because I have continued to entertain myself by reading, playing bridge with my women friends, or occasionally working on weekends. My colleagues laugh at me when they hear me call my husband from work to ask if it's OK if I meet a client on the weekend. Sometimes I resent doing it, but it does keep the peace.
Meanwhile, my husband watches every sporting event on television, pouting or sulking when I don't join him.
Abby, I love this man, but now that he is home, he wants me to be constantly available. Is there a solution? -- BORED IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR BORED: For a man who wanted his "space," your husband appears to have become very dependent. It's flattering that he wants you by his side, but you are in danger of being smothered.
Remind him that when he married you, he demanded and was given his "space," and now you need yours. Encourage him to become physically active and to get involved with groups where his talents are needed. I'm sure there are many.
DEAR ABBY: I think you were way off base in your response to the lady who asked whether she should let her mother-in-law read the letter on computer disk that her father-in-law left to his 2 1/2-year-old granddaughter. If the man intended the letter to be read by everybody and his brother, he wouldn't have addressed it to his granddaughter.
In my opinion, this has nothing to do with "bringing peace to a grieving widow," but rather with a domineering woman sticking her nose where it should not be. Just because the letter is on a computer disk doesn't mean it's any less a letter than if it were written on paper and sealed in an envelope. By advocating allowing the mother-in-law to read that letter, you're also advocating denying that little girl her right to a precious gift given to her by her grandfather out of love because he knew he wouldn't be there to watch her grow up.
I'm just curious -- do you also advocate opening and rewrapping children's gifts before they receive them just to make some adult "feel better" about knowing what's in them? Remember that even the youngest members of our society deserve our respect, and one of the aspects of that is to respect their property. -- A READER WHO DISAGREES
DEAR READER: The child's grandmother is not "everybody and his brother," and I do not agree that allowing the grandmother to read the letter would diminish its value to the 2-year-old when she's finally old enough to appreciate it. However, intelligent minds can disagree, and I respect your opinion although it does not coincide with mine.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)