Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Misguided Expectations Cause Woman Some Awkward Moments
DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old lesbian. I consider myself a nice, easygoing person who tries her best to follow the Golden Rule. I have an outgoing personality, and have no trouble making friends and keeping them. However, it seems as though each time a female friend finds out I'm gay, she expects me to come on to her.
Abby, all I ever wanted was a friend with whom I didn't have to be on guard -- a person who would accept me as a true friend. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean all my friendships have to be sexual. I can enjoy having fun, a good conversation, sharing a movie or shopping with someone who's straight.
I am happily in love with my soul mate of a year and a half, and she has encountered the same thing. Am I doing something wrong that friends view me this way? How can I change my personality to maintain friendships without my kindness being mistaken for anything more? -- "D" IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
DEAR "D": I see no reason for you to change your personality. There is a common misconception in the straight world that because people are gay, they must be attracted to ALL people of the same gender. Of course, that's no more true than the idea that all straight people are necessarily attracted to every person of the opposite sex.
When it happens again, keep your sense of humor and show the friend this column.
DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do about my father. He has recently reunited with his second wife, "Florence," after a three-year separation. During their separation, he would telephone me several times a day and visit our home several times a week. He always complained about Florence and the things she did to him when they were together. I am the only one of his six children in whom he confided.
Abby, now that Dad and Florence are back together, he expects me to forget everything he told me about her and pretend that nothing unpleasant ever happened. He wants us to have a close relationship with her, and he is angry that I don't call or visit them in their home. I have explained that I don't call them because I don't want to speak with his wife.
Abby, I was honest with my dad from the start, but he lied to me for months. He had been seeing Florence for quite some time before they moved back in together.
At the last family get-together, Dad was nice to everyone except my husband and me. He was downright rude to us, and I'm at the point where I don't even want to see him again. My husband feels the same way. Must I force myself to have a relationship with my dad just because he's my father? -- DESPERATE IN ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR DESPERATE: Estrangement often occurs when a third party knows too much about that which a person would rather forget. Although you were a shoulder to cry on and a willing ear into which he could pour his troubles, you now symbolize an unhappy chapter in your father's life.
Don't write him off quite yet. It's very likely that your dad will be back before long with more tales of woe about Florence. Next time, don't let him isolate you by being his only confidant.
HUSBAND CLAIMED HIS 'SPACE' AND NOW WIFE CLAIMS HERS
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 30 years to a man who is in his 60s. He is now retired and has too much time on his hands. When we married, he made it clear he liked his "space," often leaving home without saying goodbye or telling me where he was going.
He said he didn't need to explain his whereabouts, which was very difficult to deal with, but over time and many tears later, I learned to live with it. Later on, he accepted a high-paying job that took him away from our family for long periods. We would see each other on weekends or during school vacations. Over the years I have learned to entertain myself without intruding on his "space" or complaining when he was away for long periods.
Now that he isn't working and I am still working, he doesn't get my attention when he wants it. He says he feels ignored or unloved because I have continued to entertain myself by reading, playing bridge with my women friends, or occasionally working on weekends. My colleagues laugh at me when they hear me call my husband from work to ask if it's OK if I meet a client on the weekend. Sometimes I resent doing it, but it does keep the peace.
Meanwhile, my husband watches every sporting event on television, pouting or sulking when I don't join him.
Abby, I love this man, but now that he is home, he wants me to be constantly available. Is there a solution? -- BORED IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR BORED: For a man who wanted his "space," your husband appears to have become very dependent. It's flattering that he wants you by his side, but you are in danger of being smothered.
Remind him that when he married you, he demanded and was given his "space," and now you need yours. Encourage him to become physically active and to get involved with groups where his talents are needed. I'm sure there are many.
DEAR ABBY: I think you were way off base in your response to the lady who asked whether she should let her mother-in-law read the letter on computer disk that her father-in-law left to his 2 1/2-year-old granddaughter. If the man intended the letter to be read by everybody and his brother, he wouldn't have addressed it to his granddaughter.
In my opinion, this has nothing to do with "bringing peace to a grieving widow," but rather with a domineering woman sticking her nose where it should not be. Just because the letter is on a computer disk doesn't mean it's any less a letter than if it were written on paper and sealed in an envelope. By advocating allowing the mother-in-law to read that letter, you're also advocating denying that little girl her right to a precious gift given to her by her grandfather out of love because he knew he wouldn't be there to watch her grow up.
I'm just curious -- do you also advocate opening and rewrapping children's gifts before they receive them just to make some adult "feel better" about knowing what's in them? Remember that even the youngest members of our society deserve our respect, and one of the aspects of that is to respect their property. -- A READER WHO DISAGREES
DEAR READER: The child's grandmother is not "everybody and his brother," and I do not agree that allowing the grandmother to read the letter would diminish its value to the 2-year-old when she's finally old enough to appreciate it. However, intelligent minds can disagree, and I respect your opinion although it does not coincide with mine.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Investing Time With Youth Pays Off With Huge Returns
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, both "Colleen in California" and "Giving Grandma" wrote eloquent letters about the rewards of spending time with their grandchildren, helping them connect with positive activities. They and other readers may be encouraged to know that research shows when caring adults become involved with young people in such ways, these youth are far less likely to use illegal drugs or alcohol, skip school or hit someone. They show more confidence in their school performance and are more likely to get along with their families.
Unfortunately, more and more young people share the problems of "Stressed Out," the teen-ager who appealed to you last June because he felt excluded from peer social activities because of his commitment to avoid alcohol. Important studies indicate that the increasing hours today's children and teens spend without adult supervision and structured activity are one of the major risk factors for early substance abuse, sexual experimentation and involvement in crime and violence.
The Department of Health and Human Services is issuing a national call to action to raise awareness about the connection between youth involved in positive, skill-building activities and reduced substance abuse. We want to increase the number of adults participating in fun, positive, challenging, structured activities with youth. "Your Time -- Their Future" is a positive activities campaign that encourages individuals, membership-based organizations and corporate America to make modest investments of time and resources. It promises enormous returns in the health and well-being of today's children and tomorrow's families, communities and businesses.
Please, Abby, ask your readers to find out how they can put positive activities to work in the lives of young people by calling (800) 729-6686, or visiting the campaign's Web site: www.health.org/yourtime. -- NELBA CHAVES, PH.D., ADMINISTRATOR, SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES ADMINISTRATION
DEAR NELBA: I wish you the best of luck in this worthwhile effort. America's youth deserve to have more positive mentoring than a television set or a peer group between 3 and 7 p.m. daily. "Getting involved with kids" does not necessarily mean driving them 20 miles to some sports event. It can be as simple as helping with a stamp collection, nature walks, baking cookies, or doing a homework assignment at the library.
You, my readers, are the most generous people in the world. Now I'm asking you to give again. Please pick up the phone today and volunteer your time. America's children need you. The slogan "Your Time -- Their Future" is a recipe for saving our children. Get involved and assure our young people a safer, brighter tomorrow.
DEAR ABBY: Please help. I've kept a diary for most of my life. I am now 50 years old and I don't know what to do with it.
I had a son who died in a car wreck. He was my only child.
This has become a mental burden and I'm ready to carry the diary to my back yard and burn it. Any suggestions, Abby, before I start the bonfire? -- TEMPTED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TEMPTED: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your son. If there is anything in your diary concerning your friends and relatives that could be hurtful or damaging, I urge you to destroy it. However, if it is just a record of your everyday activities, some family members might treasure it.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.