Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Investing Time With Youth Pays Off With Huge Returns
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, both "Colleen in California" and "Giving Grandma" wrote eloquent letters about the rewards of spending time with their grandchildren, helping them connect with positive activities. They and other readers may be encouraged to know that research shows when caring adults become involved with young people in such ways, these youth are far less likely to use illegal drugs or alcohol, skip school or hit someone. They show more confidence in their school performance and are more likely to get along with their families.
Unfortunately, more and more young people share the problems of "Stressed Out," the teen-ager who appealed to you last June because he felt excluded from peer social activities because of his commitment to avoid alcohol. Important studies indicate that the increasing hours today's children and teens spend without adult supervision and structured activity are one of the major risk factors for early substance abuse, sexual experimentation and involvement in crime and violence.
The Department of Health and Human Services is issuing a national call to action to raise awareness about the connection between youth involved in positive, skill-building activities and reduced substance abuse. We want to increase the number of adults participating in fun, positive, challenging, structured activities with youth. "Your Time -- Their Future" is a positive activities campaign that encourages individuals, membership-based organizations and corporate America to make modest investments of time and resources. It promises enormous returns in the health and well-being of today's children and tomorrow's families, communities and businesses.
Please, Abby, ask your readers to find out how they can put positive activities to work in the lives of young people by calling (800) 729-6686, or visiting the campaign's Web site: www.health.org/yourtime. -- NELBA CHAVES, PH.D., ADMINISTRATOR, SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES ADMINISTRATION
DEAR NELBA: I wish you the best of luck in this worthwhile effort. America's youth deserve to have more positive mentoring than a television set or a peer group between 3 and 7 p.m. daily. "Getting involved with kids" does not necessarily mean driving them 20 miles to some sports event. It can be as simple as helping with a stamp collection, nature walks, baking cookies, or doing a homework assignment at the library.
You, my readers, are the most generous people in the world. Now I'm asking you to give again. Please pick up the phone today and volunteer your time. America's children need you. The slogan "Your Time -- Their Future" is a recipe for saving our children. Get involved and assure our young people a safer, brighter tomorrow.
DEAR ABBY: Please help. I've kept a diary for most of my life. I am now 50 years old and I don't know what to do with it.
I had a son who died in a car wreck. He was my only child.
This has become a mental burden and I'm ready to carry the diary to my back yard and burn it. Any suggestions, Abby, before I start the bonfire? -- TEMPTED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TEMPTED: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your son. If there is anything in your diary concerning your friends and relatives that could be hurtful or damaging, I urge you to destroy it. However, if it is just a record of your everyday activities, some family members might treasure it.
Outstanding but Maladorous Employee Stands All Alone
DEAR ABBY: We desperately need your advice. A female co-worker (I'll call her Ethel) has poor hygiene. This is particularly difficult in a bank such as ours, where professional working relationships sometimes involve working in close proximity.
The human resources director has discussed the problem with Ethel. Also, during the annual personnel evaluations, the boss made brief, but firm, comments that she must practice better hygiene. However, her efforts were short-term.
Abby, we cannot fire Ethel. She's a longtime employee with tremendous amounts of knowledge and experience, but it has reached the point that some of our younger staff have threatened to quit if Ethel doesn't clean up to "normal" standards. Is there a solution that won't offend her or make her defensive? -- STAYING DOWNWIND IN IOWA
DEAR DOWNWIND: Regardless of her tremendous knowledge and experience, it's unfair that the rest of the employees must tolerate this. If it's difficult for them to be close to her, it must be equally so for your customers.
Ethel must be told that many complaints have been registered, and the bank is in danger of losing other personnel because she hasn't resolved her problems. She should also be advised that, as valuable as she is, if she doesn't resolve her poor hygiene problem, she will be terminated. Harsh perhaps, but necessary in the best interests of the bank and its staff.
DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged to "Bill" for two years. He's a wonderful man, and I have always gotten along well with his family -- until now.
We allowed his sister (I'll call her Denise) to store a few things in our basement until she moved. A few days ago, Bill and I visited her new apartment, and I was shocked to see on her wall an expensive painting of mine that I had stored in my basement! I refrained from saying anything while we were there, but on the way home I mentioned the painting. Bill said that Denise had owned that painting for years. I didn't force the issue, but when I checked my basement, my painting was missing.
Abby, my grandmother's china was also missing. I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with Bill because of what Denise has done, but the painting is valuable and the china is my only link to my deceased grandmother. I also wonder if the other items I have missed over the months have found their way into her sticky fingers. I can't sleep for thinking about this.
If I don't do something about this, I'll be restless and angry. But if I confront Denise, I may lose Bill. What do I do now, Abby? -- SLEEPLESS IN MISSOURI
DEAR SLEEPLESS: You can't ignore the obvious. Tell Bill about the china and the other items that are also missing. Make an inventory. If possible, gather proof that the missing items are your property -- photographs, testimonials from relatives, etc. Try to enlist your fiance as an ally, and talk to his sister. Her problem may be kleptomania, which is defined as "a persistent neurotic impulse to steal, especially without economic motive." The condition is treatable with psychiatric help. If your fiance won't cooperate, report your losses to the police.
Bill's sister definitely has a problem; however, I'm as troubled by your fiance's failure to back you up as I am the thefts. If you can't count on him, you'd be wise to rethink your engagement before your losses mount any further.
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Rejected Woman Struggles to Leave Her Grief Behind
DEAR ABBY: What's wrong with me? I met "Mike" when I was 40. We dated exclusively for two years. When his mother had a stroke, Mike moved an hour away to care for her, and I made the round-trip drive seven days a week to help. I emptied bedpans, redressed bedsores, cooked, cleaned and maintained a perky attitude to cheer up an otherwise dismal household. I did all this while holding down a job 40 hours a week. I did it because she was Mike's mother, and I loved him.
Mike promised eternal fidelity and said we'd have a wonderful life together when his mother passed on. After a year of this grueling schedule, I received a short note from Mike that said, "Mom and I thank you for all you have done for us. I've decided to start dating Marianne, a cashier where I work. I've never loved anybody, although I've used the word often. Goodbye and good luck." I called, thinking I deserved an explanation, but Mike didn't return my call.
I wouldn't take him back in a million years. So why, Abby, do I still miss him, and why do I cry daily over losing him? Wouldn't any sane woman realize she'd been used and never shed a tear? -- STILL CRYING IN FAIRMONT
DEAR STILL CRYING: You cry because it's a normal reaction after having been hurt and rejected. Tears are a natural part of the cleansing and healing process. Mike used you, but he was an important part of your life and it's not surprising that you will miss him -- for a time. Face it, he was a user. One day, you'll look back and thank your lucky stars that he is out of your life.
DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of three girls who are all married. Our mom is now widowed.
Our problem is that our oldest sister is in a very unhappy marriage with three almost grown girls. We love our sister very much, but tolerating her husband has become unbearable for all of us. We have tried for many years to ignore his painful and disrespectful behavior, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. Our sister knows how we feel about him and that we have tried different approaches with him, but she still wants us to be together for family holidays and anniversaries. We feel bad about her situation and want to see her and the kids, but it is now getting so bad that we find ourselves dreading the holidays because it is so unpleasant and uncomfortable being around him.
I'm afraid that our family traditions are going to fall apart, because we all want to avoid being with him. Is there anything we can do? -- STUMPED IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR STUMPED: As long as your sister is married to this man, there is no way you can exclude her husband without excluding her. However, you do not have to tolerate his being disrespectful to your sister in your presence. If he starts up, present a united front and ask him to please knock it off for the evening, in the name of family harmony.
DEAR ABBY: Recent columns where students were not allowed to discuss "Dear Abby" in school got my attention. As a family and consumer sciences instructor (formerly known as "home ec"), I incorporate your columns into the curriculum for classroom discussion. You bring to light many social situations that students are faced with on a daily basis. Your columns enhance as well as enlighten us on the topic of discussion.
Thank you, Abby, for your years of columns that have taught us so much. -- CATHERINE WILKINSON, OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR CATHERINE: Thank you for your supportive letter. It made my day!
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.