Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter Sick With Dread That Hypochondriac Mom Will Move In
DEAR ABBY: I need your advice. My mother wants to live with me. I'm 56. She's 78. My household now includes my husband, my unmarried daughter and her son, who is 6 years old.
My mother is in great condition. Her main problem is that she's a hypochondriac and is lonely. She would be miserable living with us, but I can't convince her. She wants to sell her condo, help us buy a bigger home and move in. I've countered that if she ever becomes ill and unable to take care of herself, we could buy a duplex.
Abby, I cannot live with my mother and I don't want to live with her. She wants her own room in the same house, no duplex. I can't even describe the dread this is causing me.
I do not like her. If she were not my mother, I couldn't even be friends with her; I would avoid her. She's extremely self-centered, controlling, overcritical and rude, with an opinion on everything. She's been married and divorced many times, and she has no friends. She turns every conversation on any topic back to herself.
Mother knows that I do not want her to live with us, but she's pushing. She knows that I hate it when she drops in on me unannounced early in the morning, but she does it anyway, saying, "I know this drives you crazy, but ..."
If my daughter or I plan to meet Mother at a restaurant for a noon lunch, she shows up at the house at 10 a.m. to wait for us.
When Mother eats with us at home every week, she samples the food and makes comments like she's the food critic for The New York Times.
I could write pages about her annoying habits. What can I do, Abby? Please help me. -- STRESSED DAUGHTER IN FLORIDA
DEAR STRESSED DAUGHTER: If you want my support, you have it. Do not allow yourself to be pushed into residency with your mother and don't feel guilty about it. Your mother may want to be a bigger part of your lives, but it could harm your marriage if you bow to her demands. Stand firm and enlist your husband to present a united front.
DEAR ABBY: My wedding was called off a month ago. I understand now that God is trying to fix some things in my life before he allows me to take such a big step.
I'm a very insecure person. It is hard for me to trust -- and that caused me many problems in our relationship. However, I am around my "ex" every day. We have the same friends. We broke up with the understanding that we would remain friends.
Abby, my ex-fiance deals with things by avoiding a confrontation. At the moment, he isn't speaking to me, which makes me feel sick at heart. I know he's hurting, too. I want nothing but to be there for him. I don't want to crowd him or make him think I'm chasing him. How do I deal with his ignoring me? -- AMY IN RURAL ILLINOIS
DEAR AMY: It may be difficult to distance yourself from your ex-fiance in your small town, but it would be a happier situation for both of you if you stayed out of each other's sight for a while. It has only been a month since your engagement ended and you are both hurting. Breaking up is painful. Although you would like to continue the friendship as if nothing had happened, your "ex" is trying to put the romance behind him by avoiding you. Give it some time, Amy. Life will get better.
DEAR ABBY: After the death of a spouse, how long should a person wait before starting to date again? -- DOTTIE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR DOTTIE: The usual period of mourning is one year. However, grief is such a personal emotion that no one can presume to make rules that will apply to everyone.
NEIGHBOR WHO BREAKS GARDEN TOOL IS A BUST AS A FRIEND
DEAR ABBY: I have never written for advice before, but this really bugs me: A friend and neighbor of ours borrowed a very expensive gardening tool and broke a part on it.
My husband, "Walter," and I have always believed that when you break something you have borrowed, you repair it, get it repaired or replace it. Our neighbor brought the tool back and told Walter what had happened, but made no offer to pay for the repairs. So far, Walter has spent more than an hour on the phone trying to get information on repairs and parts. He'll have to travel at least an hour (there and back) to purchase the parts, and has been told they will cost at least $40.
When Walter approached our neighbor about the problem, the guy responded, "I don't have a problem!" Then he reluctantly offered to pay half the cost.
Walter is afraid that if he presses the issue, he'll lose this friend. Abby, I'm married to a nice guy, but I think he's being played for a sucker. I told Walter that if it were my tool, I'd have it repaired, forget about getting reimbursed, and never loan anything to this neighbor again.
We've been married almost 50 years and never had a problem like this before. All our friends have been real friends. I contend this neighbor is no friend, only a user. However, he is a neighbor, so that complicates the matter.
Is there a solution I'm overlooking here? -- MRS. NICE GUY
DEAR MRS. NICE GUY: No. Your gut reaction is right on target.
DEAR ABBY: My father was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness and given less than six months to live. With my wife's blessings, I am staying at my parents' home on weekdays to assist as much as possible with his care. I do this following a 12-hour night shift, so the time I can devote to actually talking with my father and doing everything he needs done is limited. Much of my time is taken up with bathing him, helping him into his wheelchair and tending to his personal needs -- and of course, I must sleep a little.
My eldest stepson asked to visit my father, and I told him that I prefer no visitors at this time (my father sleeps most of the time). Dad will not see anyone unless he's dressed and in his wheelchair, because he doesn't want anyone to feel sorry for him. It is time-consuming to prepare him for visitors.
My wife is upset with me for not allowing my stepson to visit. If the boy were close to my father, it would be different, but he hasn't seen Dad more than six times in the last four years.
Abby, am I being unreasonable in making sure my father gets everything he wants? -- DUTIFUL SON IN NEVADA
DEAR DUTIFUL SON: Dutiful is the right word to describe you, a son who is making every effort to make his father's last days as pleasant as possible. However, YOU made the decision there would be no visitors, and your father is the one who should decide that. Even though it creates more work for you, your stepson should be allowed to visit your father unless your dad doesn't want to see the boy. A short visit can provide a psychological lift for those who are ill. Also, your stepson may need to make amends or say goodbye before your father passes away. Unfortunately, there is very little time for him to do so.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Student Eager to Find Calling Should Explore Options First
DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old student in my last year of high school, desperately trying to find my calling in life.
I love writing, and I am proud to say that my English grades have been high. I enjoy anything that has to do with writing, from making my own greeting cards and calendars to writing stories and letters.
Abby, I want to go to a university, but I'm not sure what field I should pursue, because many people tell me that there aren't many jobs available in the language field.
I read your column every day and admire your work. I was hoping that you could give me some sound advice. -- UNSURE SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL
DEAR UNSURE: There is no need to make up your mind about your career field at this time. Go to college and take classes that will get the basics out of the way, and also a few in creative writing and journalism. You can also be tested in the student counselor's office to determine in which field you are likely to be fulfilled and successful.
Many people choose majors in the first or second years of college, but many also change those majors as they mature and discover they have other interests. Please don't feel that you must make a career choice before you have explored several options.
DEAR ABBY: You recently ran a letter from "Widow X" that contained some valuable advice to the elderly who had to move in with their adult children upon the death of a spouse. May I please add to her wonderful list of self-cautionary words?
-- Don't assume that you're included in every social event or invitation your child and in-law receive. When you are included, accept cheerfully if you wish to attend. However, if the invitation does not specifically include you, don't pout and complain.
-- If your child and spouse plan a vacation, don't whine if you're not included. Remember when you and your own spouse were able to take vacations; recall how nice it was to get away alone. Give them the same opportunity.
-- Nurture grandchildren, but don't interfere in their discipline. Do not create discord between children and parents. If you have a valuable insight to offer regarding child-rearing, share it during a private moment with your adult child.
-- Under no circumstances should you pry into drawers, bills, personal papers, mail, etc. Refrain from asking the price of a purchase, i.e., new home, vehicle, furniture or appliance. If they want you to know, they'll tell you.
-- Remember, they have offered you a place to live. Although it is now your home, too, respect the fact they are the head of this household. You had your turn in that position. Now let them enjoy theirs! -- MARY HELEN SALAZAR, LA PUENTE, CALIF.
DEAR MARY HELEN: Your addition to the rules from "Widow X" make sense. However, all members of multigenerational households should remember that such living arrangements often involve an enormous adjustment for everyone concerned. Giving up one's independence is often as difficult for the senior as losing privacy is for the sandwich generation.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.