For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Domestic Violence Endangers Both Families and Communities
DEAR ABBY: Almost a year ago, you published a reader's letter that dramatically spoke to the issues that face battered women: "How do I protect my children and myself while I live with my abuser?" The reader signed herself "Living a Nightmare," and her story, though heart-wrenching, was not unlike thousands of other women's in our nation.
You provided a great service to her, not only with your answer that began, "There is always hope," but also by addressing her need to protect herself. You then offered her, and thousands of others who live in a similar situation, a resource, our booklet, "Striving to Be ... Violence Free: How to Create a Safety Plan."
Because of that letter, Perspectives received more than 10,000 requests from as far away as Guam, the far corners of Canada and even Puerto Rico. We also received hundreds of heartwarming letters from women and men who were living with abuse (or knew someone who was) and were grateful for the help. Amazingly, Abby, we never received one complaint.
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month. I can't think of a more appropriate time to acknowledge your contribution in assisting women, men and children in their desire to live a violence-free life.
You should take pride in the fact that you were one of the first to recognize that family violence is a societal problem -- one you were not afraid to address no matter how much heat you took in exposing it. For decades you have been the voice for victims who were too afraid to speak for themselves. And you have become the conscience for communities who looked the other way by saying, "It's a family problem."
You are to be commended for your compassion, advocacy and understanding of this very complicated issue. On behalf of the thousands of women and men who received our booklet, and those who struggle with the horror of domestic violence, I thank you. -- JEANNIE SEELEY-SMITH, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, PERSPECTIVES INC., ST. LOUIS PARK, MINN.
DEAR JEANNIE: Thank you for your touching letter, and for the thrilling news that your booklet was helpful to so many people. The causes for violence are complex, and escaping from a batterer requires careful planning and preparation.
Readers who want a copy of "Striving to Be ... Violence Free" can order it by sending $4 to: Perspectives Inc. (Attn.: Guidebook), 3301 Gorham Ave., St. Louis Park, Minn. 55426. Include your name and address clearly printed on an address label or sheet of paper. Allow two weeks for delivery.
In order to avoid a confrontation with the abuser, the booklet can be sent to the home of a friend or relative. Again, I emphasize how important it is for the victim to have a well-thought-out escape plan before attempting to leave a batterer. Readers, if you know someone who could benefit from this booklet, be a friend and order it for him or her.
DEAR ABBY: There is an old German proverb: "Who speaks ill of others to you will speak ill of you to others." Do you think this is still true? -- BEKKIE IN BENTON HALL
DEAR BEKKIE: Ja. Absolutely!
'Call Police' Car Banners Send Help in All Directions
DEAR ABBY: All of us at the Westside Center for Independent Living thank you for not only making the impossible happen for us, but also for making our everyday wishes come true.
Who would have thought nine years ago that WCIL would have orders from all over the country for our "Please Call Police" banners? Thank you on behalf of each individual whose quality of life was improved because of the orders and donations we received from your readers. The funds generated by the banner project have translated into some vital services and wonderful stories. Here are just a few from last year:
-- Exhausted from the constant caring for his wife who has Alzheimer's disease, Charles H. sought help from WCIL's "Linkages" program. We helped him locate and pay for a personal assistant, so he now has some respite from his wife's care.
-- Erika didn't want her disability to keep her from being self-sufficient and supporting her son. She completed WCIL's computer training program and now works full-time at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center.
-- Juan G.'s motorized wheelchair broke down just two weeks after he had become employed. WCIL helped him obtain $500 in emergency funding so he could quickly return to work.
-- Anita V. has multiple disabilities and is dependent on disability benefits to survive. When she was threatened with the loss of this funding, WCIL helped her get through the bureaucratic maze and resolve her problem.
-- Steve S. was struggling with chronic pain due to multiple surgeries and degenerative diseases. After receiving peer counseling and training in independent living skills at WCIL, Steve said, "I feel like I've been given back my life."
-- Loraine B. came to WCIL seeking counseling to learn to live with her disability, and also received help in learning how to resolve some problems she was having with her housing providers.
Thank you, Abby, for once again publicizing our "Please Call Police" banner project. I'm sure it will bring many more such stories, and once again, WCIL's mission is to ensure happy endings for all of them. -- MARY ANN JONES, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WCIL, LOS ANGELES
DEAR MARY ANN: Congratulations for the terrific job you are doing to assist people with disabilities. With the holiday season fast approaching, I'm pleased to remind readers that the "Please Call Police" banners make wonderful stocking-stuffers. They can literally be lifesavers in a roadside emergency. Having them in the glove compartment brings incalculable peace of mind not only to senior citizens, but also to parents of teen-age drivers.
To order, write WCIL-Banners, P.O. Box 92501, Los Angeles, Calif. 90009. You will receive one "Please Call Police" banner as a premium for a $5 contribution to WCIL, and another banner with each additional $4 contribution. (Please send an additional $1 per order for postage and handling.) Many people order two, one for the windshield and one for the rear window -- so the message is visible to cars going both directions.
Checks or money orders (U.S. funds only, please) should be made payable to WCIL-Banners. Allow eight weeks for delivery.
The Westside Center for Independent Living is a not-for-profit organization that helps people with disabilities to live independently.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Tacky Shower Invitations Get Response They Deserve
DEAR ABBY: I recently received two invitations that rubbed me the wrong way. Perhaps, in spite of my young age (26), I'm old-fashioned, but I think they were tacky.
The first was from a coworker who is getting married. The invitation was for a paper shower. I assumed that meant the guests should bring paper for games or other activities. Just to be sure, I called the bride-to-be to find out exactly what to bring. Boy, was I shocked! She told me she wanted only money or gift certificates. I was so put off I didn't attend or send a gift.
The other invitation was to a baby shower for a friend of a friend whom I barely know. I'm a fun-loving person and planned to attend until I read the invitation carefully. The shower was being held at an expensive restaurant, and the invitation said, "No host lunch." Abby, I got the impression that I was to bring a gift, pay for my own lunch, then leave. I didn't attend that shower either; however, I did send a gift for which I never received a thank-you or acknowledgment.
I have been the honoree of both a bridal and baby shower. The bridal shower was traditional with food, cake, games and close friends with whom I enjoy spending time. The baby shower was a luncheon, but my hostesses and I picked up the tab. I hope my guests never felt as pressured or insulted as I did when I received the invitations I have described.
Abby, am I overreacting to this, or is it proper for the '90s? -- NOT ATTENDING MANY SHOWERS IN TENNESSEE
DEAR NOT ATTENDING: You are not overreacting. I don't blame you for refusing the invitations. Let your silence speak for you.
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter about the boy who was causing his neighbor a lot of trouble. Many years ago, I had the same problem. I was at my wit's end and decided, as a last resort, to try to make the boy my friend.
I went out of my way to be kind to him and, on occasion, even asked his advice. The problems quickly came to an end. Surely the neighbor, when gardening, could offer a bouquet of flowers to take to his mother. Wouldn't it be worth the effort to offer friendliness to help a troubled boy? -- A CONCERNED CANADIAN
DEAR CONCERNED CANADIAN: Yes, it would. Leave it to my readers to remind me that compassion is alive and well, and perhaps all that is necessary to turn this youngster around.
Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Worried Neighbor" was bothered by a boy on her block who throws rocks, etc., but his mother never listens when neighbors complain. Now he comes and stands in front of her house and is always "starting something" with her. Although there was nothing wrong with your advice that she speak to local police or a juvenile investigator or counselor, you might also have pointed out that the mother probably never listens to the boy either, and he may be constantly "bothering" her because he is looking for adult attention. Perhaps if she responded warmly to him, difficult though that may be, there might be a more positive outcome for everyone. -- JUST A THOUGHT IN ARIZONA
DEAR JUST A THOUGHT: No need to point it out; you and many other kind-hearted people did it for me. Thanks to all of you for a refreshing perspective.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)