Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SENIORS SHOULD TAKE CHARGE BEFORE OTHERS ARE FORCED TO
DEAR ABBY: What is it with people who do not want to go to a nursing home when they get old? I often read about the anguish families go through when an oldster can no longer live independently. Younger family members have their own ordeals, but old folks seem to hang onto houses they can't keep up and mountains of accumulated "treasures" of questionable value. They see only two options: Stay put, or have the kids take them in.
My aunt, however, was another story. She wasn't wealthy, but had a little money and was smart with what she had. She was widowed at 50, worked until retirement, then set about to enjoy herself. One fine day in her 70s, she informed me that she had visited two retirement homes and knew where she intended to move when she needed looking after. She bought the dress for her funeral, picked out the casket, chose the hymns and helped the preacher write her eulogy. "Now," she proclaimed, "I'm just going to enjoy life until the end." What an inspiration!
Abby, most people are far too attached to material things for their own good. I suppose giving up my material things will also be difficult, but the hardest thing for me would be giving up my dogs. But then, why would I want to be schlepping out to walk a pooch every morning and evening when I am old and feeble?
As for insisting on dying at home (as if that's some tender and sentimental thing to do), it's unfair to saddle loved ones with such difficult and depressing circumstances.
I recently read that about 30 percent of people would choose suicide over a nursing home! Are they nuts? Give me clean, pleasant surroundings for my final days.
While my attitude may strike some as insensitive and cold, actually I love life and intend to live it to the fullest, like my aunt who never made it to the nursing home. At age 83, she had a massive stroke while boarding a tour bus and died almost immediately.
Why is it that so many who say, "I don't want to be a burden," do everything to become one by imposing on relatives or forcing decisions on others when they are no longer able to live alone?
I know this is long, but I think it bears an important message. -- LIVING IT UP 'TIL THE END
DEAR LIVING: Your aunt is the kind of role model we all aspire to be, active and vital to the end -- and you are not far behind. However, please don't be so judgmental of those who are hesitant to give up their independence and familiar surroundings. Many people fear the unknown, and as they age, become less able to adjust to new situations. Few are eager to surrender control of their lives -- and that is what a nursing home symbolizes to many.
Assisted-living facilities that offer varying levels of care for seniors while permitting them to continue pursuing their interests and activities are far more attractive alternatives. Residents can maintain their independence assured that should they become ill or need long-term care, they will have access to health-care services while remaining in a familiar environment.
Seniors should carefully investigate all the options before making decisions about their "December" years.
DEAR ABBY: Please inform me of the proper etiquette. A friend was married for three days, and then the marriage was annulled. What should she do with the wedding gifts? -- WONDERING IN TUCSON
DEAR WONDERING: Since the marriage lasted only three days and was then annulled, the wedding gifts belong to the bride and groom. Whether they return any presents depends on their personal feelings about it. The bride, however, should return any jewelry or heirlooms she received from the groom's family.
Thought Counts in Marriage, but Gifts Are Important Too
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Sybil," has had a boyfriend I'll call "Todd" for about five years, through high school and now college. They are considering marriage. They have exchanged gifts for birthdays and holidays, but Todd's participation has always been reluctant.
Recently, Sybil treated Todd to dinner at an expensive restaurant and gave him a gift for his 21st birthday. She was happy to do it, and he seemed very appreciative. When her birthday came, she received only a card and a phone call from Todd, even though they live in the same town. She was hurt, and it strained their relationship. Todd's excuse was that gifts are "materialistic." Sybil and I believe that a gift of any size would have been a thoughtful remembrance.
Abby, I am concerned that this could become a habit. I have known women who have been lucky to get even a nod from their significant others on their special days and, as a result, I have seen sorrow every year when their days roll around. Why should they have to grin and bear it, or nag their partners? Will you please share how this matter can be tactfully handled? -- A MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR MOM: If you are on comfortable terms with Todd, try a candid, confidential talk with him. Bear in mind that upbringing has everything to do with how one views gift-giving. Todd's family may have a different value system.
Explain how important a gesture of remembrance is in your family. If Todd is made out of the right stuff, he will adjust and acknowledge Sybil's special days. If not, she will have to decide if Todd is the man for her.
DEAR ABBY: My letter is in response to "Grace in Tampa, Fla.," who was worried about her daughter and her daughter's friend chatting with a boy on the Internet.
The parents have every cause to be worried and should get the girls off the Internet, but perhaps they shouldn't go to the extreme of saying she cannot even WRITE to the boy. Why don't they check him out, verify who lives at the address, and speak with him to see what he is like?
If things check out OK, they should read the letters he has already written to make sure the correspondence is appropriate, and if it is, let the teen keep in touch with him by letter.
As for the girls being home alone every afternoon, those parents should get them busy! As someone who chats online on occasion, I know that most people who are chatting have no life, and chatting is their only entertainment. Teens should have more to do than chat online. Get them into a Big Sister program, volunteer groups, Girl Scouts, sports -- something to help them build skills and develop their sense of self. Once they are active and have plenty of outside activities, the Internet will lose its allure. -- LAURIE IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR LAURIE: Your answer is better than mine, and I thank you for it. Since this topic has received so much publicity recently, may I add: A computer can be a powerful tool for learning, as well as a rich resource of entertainment. However, it is not, and never was intended to be, a baby sitter.
I agree with you that a computer is no substitute for activities where young people mingle, interact, and learn social skills as well as how they, as individuals, can contribute to their communities.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
VETERANS DAY IS ABOUT MORE THAN JUST GETTING A DAY OFF
DEAR ABBY: Another Veterans Day has come and gone, but if the response of America's business community was any indication, you never would have known it. I am not talking about not celebrating it as a holiday; I recognize in the business environment we have today that often isn't possible. I'm talking about a complete lack of recognition. I work at a major credit card company, and it didn't even acknowledge Veterans Day or Memorial Day.
Abby, your column is read by everyone, including our business leaders. Please remind them that these two days are sacred and should be recognized within the workplace, regardless of whether they give their employees the day off or not. All they need to do is put out a short memo reminding everyone of what these days stand for. I don't feel this is too much to ask of our business leaders -- to simply honor those who have served and especially those who have fallen. -- MIKE SMITH, WILMINGTON, DEL.
P.S.: Yes, I am a veteran: Active, Reserve and Desert Storm.
DEAR MIKE: Though it's well after Veterans Day, your letter is certainly worth space in my column. The people of this country owe a great debt to the men and women who have served us so courageously and so well. At the very least, their sacrifice should be acknowledged in some way or other than a 15-hour sale.
DEAR ABBY: You did it again -- you passed on another lie: that 4,000 women are killed by their spouses each year. This lie emanated from Rep. Eva Clayton, D-N.C. The FBI Uniform Crime Statistics, compiled from law enforcement reports from around the U.S., puts the number between 1,200 and 1,400.
One simply cannot rely on information provided by battered women's shelters or feminists; they have the bad habit of making up figures in order to facilitate the notion that women are victims and men are the major abusers. They have done this again and again, and if you unwillingly aid and abet these liars, that makes you a liar, too.
In Montana, only 20 women have been killed in the past 10 years by their spouses; however, if the supposed rate of 4,000 per year applied, the figure should be about 260.
I ask you to make a written apology to your readers for willfully passing out erroneous information and denigrating men. -- JASON LARIX, MISSOULA, MONT.
DEAR JASON: The figures I printed came from the National Center for Violence Prevention, St. Louis, Mo. They claim that the 4,000 figure is conservative. (Not all murders are necessarily recorded as homicides -- some might be classified as "hunting accidents," "boating accidents" or "cause of death ... undetermined.") The true number may never be known. However, I will stand corrected if I hear from other reliable sources.
I have never knowingly lied to my readers. If I have made a mistake, I correct it at the first opportunity. Taking a stand against battering (which is an issue that crosses gender lines) is not about women conspiring against and/or denigrating men. The majority of men are as concerned about battering and violence as I am. You obviously fail to see the importance of addressing and intervening in this societal epidemic. As the old song goes, "How many deaths will it take 'til they know, that too many people have died?" Think about it.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)