What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Thought Counts in Marriage, but Gifts Are Important Too
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Sybil," has had a boyfriend I'll call "Todd" for about five years, through high school and now college. They are considering marriage. They have exchanged gifts for birthdays and holidays, but Todd's participation has always been reluctant.
Recently, Sybil treated Todd to dinner at an expensive restaurant and gave him a gift for his 21st birthday. She was happy to do it, and he seemed very appreciative. When her birthday came, she received only a card and a phone call from Todd, even though they live in the same town. She was hurt, and it strained their relationship. Todd's excuse was that gifts are "materialistic." Sybil and I believe that a gift of any size would have been a thoughtful remembrance.
Abby, I am concerned that this could become a habit. I have known women who have been lucky to get even a nod from their significant others on their special days and, as a result, I have seen sorrow every year when their days roll around. Why should they have to grin and bear it, or nag their partners? Will you please share how this matter can be tactfully handled? -- A MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR MOM: If you are on comfortable terms with Todd, try a candid, confidential talk with him. Bear in mind that upbringing has everything to do with how one views gift-giving. Todd's family may have a different value system.
Explain how important a gesture of remembrance is in your family. If Todd is made out of the right stuff, he will adjust and acknowledge Sybil's special days. If not, she will have to decide if Todd is the man for her.
DEAR ABBY: My letter is in response to "Grace in Tampa, Fla.," who was worried about her daughter and her daughter's friend chatting with a boy on the Internet.
The parents have every cause to be worried and should get the girls off the Internet, but perhaps they shouldn't go to the extreme of saying she cannot even WRITE to the boy. Why don't they check him out, verify who lives at the address, and speak with him to see what he is like?
If things check out OK, they should read the letters he has already written to make sure the correspondence is appropriate, and if it is, let the teen keep in touch with him by letter.
As for the girls being home alone every afternoon, those parents should get them busy! As someone who chats online on occasion, I know that most people who are chatting have no life, and chatting is their only entertainment. Teens should have more to do than chat online. Get them into a Big Sister program, volunteer groups, Girl Scouts, sports -- something to help them build skills and develop their sense of self. Once they are active and have plenty of outside activities, the Internet will lose its allure. -- LAURIE IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR LAURIE: Your answer is better than mine, and I thank you for it. Since this topic has received so much publicity recently, may I add: A computer can be a powerful tool for learning, as well as a rich resource of entertainment. However, it is not, and never was intended to be, a baby sitter.
I agree with you that a computer is no substitute for activities where young people mingle, interact, and learn social skills as well as how they, as individuals, can contribute to their communities.
VETERANS DAY IS ABOUT MORE THAN JUST GETTING A DAY OFF
DEAR ABBY: Another Veterans Day has come and gone, but if the response of America's business community was any indication, you never would have known it. I am not talking about not celebrating it as a holiday; I recognize in the business environment we have today that often isn't possible. I'm talking about a complete lack of recognition. I work at a major credit card company, and it didn't even acknowledge Veterans Day or Memorial Day.
Abby, your column is read by everyone, including our business leaders. Please remind them that these two days are sacred and should be recognized within the workplace, regardless of whether they give their employees the day off or not. All they need to do is put out a short memo reminding everyone of what these days stand for. I don't feel this is too much to ask of our business leaders -- to simply honor those who have served and especially those who have fallen. -- MIKE SMITH, WILMINGTON, DEL.
P.S.: Yes, I am a veteran: Active, Reserve and Desert Storm.
DEAR MIKE: Though it's well after Veterans Day, your letter is certainly worth space in my column. The people of this country owe a great debt to the men and women who have served us so courageously and so well. At the very least, their sacrifice should be acknowledged in some way or other than a 15-hour sale.
DEAR ABBY: You did it again -- you passed on another lie: that 4,000 women are killed by their spouses each year. This lie emanated from Rep. Eva Clayton, D-N.C. The FBI Uniform Crime Statistics, compiled from law enforcement reports from around the U.S., puts the number between 1,200 and 1,400.
One simply cannot rely on information provided by battered women's shelters or feminists; they have the bad habit of making up figures in order to facilitate the notion that women are victims and men are the major abusers. They have done this again and again, and if you unwillingly aid and abet these liars, that makes you a liar, too.
In Montana, only 20 women have been killed in the past 10 years by their spouses; however, if the supposed rate of 4,000 per year applied, the figure should be about 260.
I ask you to make a written apology to your readers for willfully passing out erroneous information and denigrating men. -- JASON LARIX, MISSOULA, MONT.
DEAR JASON: The figures I printed came from the National Center for Violence Prevention, St. Louis, Mo. They claim that the 4,000 figure is conservative. (Not all murders are necessarily recorded as homicides -- some might be classified as "hunting accidents," "boating accidents" or "cause of death ... undetermined.") The true number may never be known. However, I will stand corrected if I hear from other reliable sources.
I have never knowingly lied to my readers. If I have made a mistake, I correct it at the first opportunity. Taking a stand against battering (which is an issue that crosses gender lines) is not about women conspiring against and/or denigrating men. The majority of men are as concerned about battering and violence as I am. You obviously fail to see the importance of addressing and intervening in this societal epidemic. As the old song goes, "How many deaths will it take 'til they know, that too many people have died?" Think about it.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Adoption Involves Two Sets of Parents, Two Acts of Love
DEAR ABBY: I am adopted, and my heart goes out to "Still Wounded by Adoption," who said adoptees search for their "real" parents because they need a sense of connection to the universe, and branded adoption as "barbaric."
Abby, I have never searched for my birth parents. My "real" parents are the mom and dad who raised me, stayed up with me when I was sick, taught me to read and write, and worried about me when I stayed out past my curfew. They are the couple who attended my football games and involved themselves in everything that was important to me, who scrimped and saved to send me to college and help me through law school, and are still there for me. I have two parents who love me, and that's all I could ever ask for.
I can't comprehend "Wounded's" idea that adoption is barbaric. What is barbaric about a couple, who couldn't biologically create a child, wanting to love and raise one in a stable home? It wasn't barbaric for my birth parents to demonstrate their love by placing me for adoption by a wonderful, loving couple who could provide what they couldn't. My biological parents allowed someone who desperately wanted a child to have the chance to be a parent, and I'm grateful for the generosity and maturity that went into that decision. -- MICHAEL H. MOHLMAN, LAWRENCE, KAN.
DEAR MICHAEL: Your letter echoes the sentiments of most adoptees. Thank you for re-emphasizing that adoption was an act of love on the part of your birth parents, as well as your adoptive parents.
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Still Wounded by Adoption" who complained bitterly about adoption, stating that many adoptees want to locate their birth parents to find a genetic connection from their roots to the rest of the universe.
I've got news for "Wounded": All of us, adopted or not, are searching for our connection to the universe. This search has spawned our religions and challenged some of the most inquiring minds. Abby, this connection isn't found in someone else, nor is it found in wealth, beauty, fame or power. It's found within ourselves.
"Wounded" stated that human beings are the only species that willingly give away their offspring. Wrong! I'm not trained in biology, but I know that the female cowbird places its eggs in the nests of other birds, thereby allowing her offspring to be adopted by the nest owners. A quick reference check found that the Old World common cuckoo also exhibits this behavior.
"Wounded's" bottom line for the "adoption problem" is that "men should do a better job of guarding their sperm." The implication is that men are solely responsible for all unwanted pregnancies. Well, the last time I checked, it still takes two to tango. Women should take responsibility for their actions also.
"Wounded" seems to be deeply wounded, all right, but I'm not sure that adoption is the root of the problem. -- FRANKLY FRANK IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR FRANK: Dozens of readers wrote to dispute "Wounded's" assertion that adoption is barbaric. Most were mothers who had placed their babies for adoption at great emotional cost, and they insisted it was an act of love.
Several readers also disputed the statement that only humans give away their offspring. They pointed out that some animals do far worse with unwanted offspring -- they kill or eat their young! I have read about cows adopting orphaned calves, and recently I saw a news story about a dog who adopted a litter of kittens.
"Wounded," you stand almost alone. I urge you to rethink your mistaken beliefs about adoption -- it IS an act of kindness, and it's done with love.
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