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Fiance's Food Complaints May Lead to Rotten Marriage
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Crushed in Arlington, Texas," regarding her fiance's constant complaints about her cooking, struck a note with me.
Several years ago, I, too, was involved with a man who did not like my cooking. I was shocked and hurt by his criticisms. Like "Crushed," I tried altering the recipes to correct the faults he pointed out, but he always found something else to criticize. I eventually understood that his complaints were his way of expressing dissatisfaction with ME, and he didn't have the nerve to address the real issues directly. Needless to say, I sent him on his way -- without a doggy bag.
Abby, your advice to "Crushed" missed the point. Instead of giving up or restricting an activity she loves, she should question whether her fiance's criticisms mask some deeper misgivings he has about their relationship. Perhaps he controls others through fault-finding, or cannot admit that she has talents and skills to match his own. If so, the issue must be dealt with before they marry, because it won't improve with time. She may be trying to please someone who, for some reason, can never be pleased. Abby, she needs to know that now, not later. -- STILL COOKING IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR STILL COOKING: I've been peppered with salty letters from readers roasting me for not reading between the lines of the letter from that frustrated young woman. And after reading your letter and the others that have come in, I've decided that perhaps my original answer could have used a "pinch" more insight. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Crushed in Arlington, Texas" missed the boat entirely! The man who complained about the writer's cooking is not going to change; if they marry, he'll complain about many aspects of their life. I know. I WAS that man in my younger days, and I was not placated by improvements in my wife's endeavors. This is just one of many tools in a control freak's bag of tricks.
The only reason our marriage survived was my wife's willingness to challenge me on every complaint and not suffer quietly. I would not ask any woman to go through what my wife did to reach our present 42 years of life together. It's far too long to wait for a spouse to understand his problem.
My response to "Crushed" would have been: Ask yourself, will he change? Be honest. Will you be happy living with someone who will find fault no matter how hard you try? I suggest a showdown with him if you're unwilling to end the relationship; do not enter into marriage with this unresolved. (Actually, my gut feeling is that "Crushed" should end the relationship.)
Let's face it, Abby, isn't "finding fault" just another way for those control freaks among us to maintain control over others? Does it have anything to do with how well others perform? I think not. The problem is more serious than you indicated and should be treated as such.
However, writing this letter does allow me to complain about you, so what does that say about me, Abby? -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AZUSA, CALIF.
DEAR BEEN THERE, DONE THAT: It says you cared enough about the woman who wrote to write and supplement what you felt was an inadequate response. And I'm printing your letter -- so, what does that say about ME?
DEAR ABBY: I noticed you wished Happy Hanukkah to your Jewish readers, and a Happy Kwanzaa to the African-American readers. Perhaps you would consider wishing a Happy Eid to your Muslim readers on Jan. 29. Thank you. -- AZRA HAQQIE, LOUDONVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR AZRA: Thank you for the suggestion. Eid is the festive holiday that follows the month-long, dawn-to-dusk fast of Ramadan. To my Muslim readers, "Eid Al Fitr!"
Planned Parenthood Keeps Its Clients Fully Informed
DEAR ABBY: Until recently, I knew very little about Planned Parenthood. I thought of the organization as mostly performing abortions. I recently learned how wrong I was when a friend shared the experience her family had with Planned Parenthood.
My friend's daughter, "Suzy," was pregnant, and even though she and her husband wanted a family, they were unprepared to start one just then. Suzy was adamant about wanting to end her pregnancy.
Suzy's mother tried her best to convince her to have the baby, but to no avail, so she suggested Suzy make an appointment with a counselor at Planned Parenthood.
Several days passed before Suzy phoned her mother with the good news. The counselor had spoken with Suzy about her decision as well as other options, explaining the ramifications of each. Suzy went home and discussed them with her husband, and they decided together that she should NOT terminate the pregnancy.
I'm not sure whether Suzy will keep the baby or place it for adoption, but I was pleased to learn that the counselor took the time to see that Suzy was fully informed so she could make the right decision for herself and her family.
I hope you will agree that this is important enough to share with your readers. Please don't use my name, since I was told this in confidence. -- PLEASED IN THE SUNSHINE STATE
DEAR PLEASED: I do agree. Among the many low-cost, high-quality health-care services Planned Parenthood provides: screening for sexually transmitted diseases for both men and women; contraceptive counseling and services; sterilization consultation and procedures for men and women; instruction in testicular self-examination; prenatal care, which covers pregnancy and childbirth; and post-partum care, child-rearing and nutrition.
Suzy's experience was not unusual. However, due to hysteria and misinformation, Planned Parenthood's mission -- to promote individual reproductive rights, information, counseling and medical services without regard to age, race, income or marital status -- is sometimes misunderstood.
DEAR ABBY: My niece is pregnant with her first child. She and her husband have three indoor cats, one of which weighs 20 pounds. Our whole family is worried about this because she keeps saying, "Oh, my cats won't even bother with the baby. They don't care what's going on around them."
But, Abby, the cats have been her "babies" for years, and we're all afraid that they will get jealous of the new baby and smother it. Please help us to convince her how wrong she is. -- CONCERNED
DEAR CONCERNED: I consulted my animal expert, Dr. Erwin David. He tells me that in his many years of veterinary practice, he has not once come across a cat smothering a baby. That's a myth which should be put to rest.
However, he also urged that an infant should never be left unattended with ANY pet.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY ASIAN FRIENDS: It's the Year of the Tiger, and I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you a Happy New Year. In years past, I have said, "Gung Hay Fat Choy," but several individuals wrote to say that is not correct for all Chinese. They suggested that I convey my wishes as follows: "Kung Hsi Fa Tsai," "Kung Ho Hsin Hsi," "Hsin Nien Kuai Le" and "San Ni Fei Lo." This year, to my Vietnamese readers, I'd like to add: "Chuc Mung Nam Moi."
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DID HE CHEAT OR DIDN'T HE? THAT IS COUPLE'S QUESTION
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a different opinion about the rules of marital separation.
Early in our marriage, following the birth of a child, my husband became unhappy with our union. Without warning, he announced that he was moving out for a trial separation. During that time he slept with another woman.
He claims that his infidelity was justified because he had moved out. Had I known that the separation was his idea of permission to resume a single lifestyle, I would likely have made very different decisions on my own behalf. If his rules apply, whenever I feel I'm "unhappy" and need to get away, it's OK to take a nice vacation and sleep with whomever I find attractive. However, I doubt he would approve of the shoe being on the other foot, although he thought it was permissible for him to behave that way.
I believe a trial separation serves as a vehicle for couples to work out their differences and in no way nullifies the marriage vows. In my opinion, only when there is intent to dissolve the marriage AND a suit for divorce has been legally filed are the vows waived.
I say he cheated on me and had an affair. He says not. Abby, what do you say? -- FORGIVING BUT UNABLE TO FORGET IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FORGIVING: I, too, say he cheated on you when he had an affair. However, you were sufficiently committed to each other for the marriage to have withstood his infidelity.
Since this is still a bone of contention, you would be wise to seek professional counseling to discharge your lingering anger. It will undoubtedly strengthen your union.
DEAR ABBY: My wife has allowed our 16-month-old daughter, "Alicia," to sleep in our bed (off and on) for some time. My wife gets tired of waking up in the middle of the night to rock Alicia back to sleep, so she picks her up and brings her back to our bed.
I try to help out by going into Alicia's room and rocking her and eventually laying her back down in her crib. This usually works, but when my wife brings her into our room, she destroys the progress I was making in keeping the baby in her own bed.
I love our daughter very much, but I end up with little feet hitting my chin and I don't sleep well. My wife doesn't seem to mind, but I want our bed back. Alicia has a beautiful crib and I think in time she will learn to love it, but my wife says she can't stand to hear her cry.
Abby, what do pediatricians say? -- CROWDED BED
DEAR CROWDED BED: Pediatricians differ on this issue. While many believe otherwise, most American families keep their babies in separate beds. In some other cultures, it is normal for a baby to share the parents' bed until mid-childhood.
An infant will adjust to the style the parents choose. You and your wife must determine where you want Alicia to sleep, then be consistent in establishing a pattern. It may take several nights of crying, but Alicia can learn to sleep comfortably in her own bed, if that is what you choose to teach her.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)