For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Fumbles to Untangle Her Personal and Legal Affairs
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, I became romantically involved with a prominent lawyer who represented my in-laws in a bitter legal battle. We secretly began spending lots of time together. I was 24 years old, Catholic, married with one child. He was 50, Jewish, married with three children.
We saw or called each other daily. I became pregnant and delivered a beautiful baby girl who is the spitting image of him.
Shortly after, his family learned about us through his office, and took it very hard. I apologized for the pain our relationship caused them. With great regret, he ended the relationship because he claimed he "had no choice." He has not called me since.
After the breakup, my husband insisted on a paternity test, which clearly proved HE was not the father.
I never told the lawyer that the baby is his, because I care for him and I'm afraid of jeopardizing his license. My husband agreed to raise her as his own, provided I never tell the lawyer he's the father.
Abby, I will be face-to-face with this lawyer at a trial very soon, and I will have to divulge pertinent information on him, and it's possible our relationship and daughter may be exposed. What should I do? -- "BOOB-BIE"
DEAR BOOB-BIE: What a mess! VOLUNTEER no information, but under no circumstances should you lie under oath.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from Dr. Michael Gorback with the Center for Pain Relief in Houston prompts this letter.
It is not as simple as he makes it sound. Narcotics are not dangerous merely because they cause addictive behavior or dependence. Narcotics progressively weaken the brain physically by destroying sleep quality.
Chronic pain patients are already sleep-deprived. That is why they require such large doses of narcotics to soothe. We must find ways to protect restorative healing sleep for our chronically ill.
Poor sleep habits and sleep impairment are major public health problems in our nation. Sleep deprivation causes learning disorders, disease, substance abuse, suicide, violence, and industrial and motor vehicle accidents. We cannot casually use medications that continue to destroy sleep quality. -- EDWARD S. FRIEDRICHS, M.D., BROWN DEER, WIS.
DEAR DR. FRIEDRICHS: Most chronic pain patients suffer sleep deprivation due to pain, and pain medication makes a positive impact on their lives by allowing them to sleep more comfortably. The message in Dr. Gorback's letter was that narcotic pain medication, when administered properly, is restorative rather than addictive. Please read on for another letter from a fellow physician:
DEAR ABBY: I enjoyed the letter you printed by Dr. Michael Gorback. You responded that Dr. Gorback's philosophy may be viewed by some as audacious; nonetheless you thought it was sensible and logical.
Abby, 95 percent of physicians agree with Dr. Gorback. His philosophy is not audacious at all. It is simply common sense and love for one's fellow human beings. The real albatross over the years has been state and federal regulatory agencies and overzealous bureaucrats.
Any person who does not endorse Dr. Gorback's philosophy (simple humanitarianism and logic) is frankly ignorant.
You have done a great service by publishing that letter. I applaud and admire you. -- A WISCONSIN PHYSICIAN
DEAR PHYSICIAN: Thank you for the supportive letter, and for the reassurance that the majority of physicians feel as you and Dr. Gorback do. In the past I have heard horror stories from families of people who suffered and died in terrible pain because their caregivers were afraid of what the law might do to them if they "addicted" a dying patient.
Retiring Couple's Game Plan Fell Short on Just One Move
DEAR ABBY: We worked hard all our lives and raised a large family. Once our children were educated, they took jobs far away and married. We seldom get to see our grandchildren.
When it came time for retirement, we bought books on the best retirement locations, checked out tax bases and compared real estate prices. We moved to the Sunbelt. Wonderful! No more cold, snowy winters or hot, humid summers!
We moved into a small community, which is what we wanted -- very little crime, no heavy traffic, small-town values. People have lived here for generations and have deep roots. The trouble is, they have their extended families, their lifelong friends, their routines. They aren't about to open up their circles and take someone new into the community.
I know what you are going to say: "Join a church and get involved in community work." We have. We attend church every Sunday and do all those other things you might suggest. People are very cordial and pleasant. However, there is a big difference between being cordial and establishing a friendship.
We are well-educated, outgoing people who have never before lacked for friends. Here, we find ourselves definitely outsiders. It is very lonely, and I shudder at the thought of growing older and more isolated. Forget about moving. We have put too much sweat and money into organizing our home just the way we want it. We're stuck.
I guess what I want to tell people is: Don't be too quick to uproot yourselves and move somewhere new. When you are older, there are a lot worse things to contend with than bad weather. -- LONELY IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR LONELY: As the population ages, your experience is becoming increasingly common. It is also true that some communities are more hospitable than others. Perhaps some of my "transplanted" retired readers will share how they met the challenge of starting over in a new location.
DEAR ABBY: There is no doubt in my mind that you sincerely care about the people who write to you. You always try your utmost to give them sound advice. Unfortunately, there are two sides to every story.
The letter from "Little League Mom, Fruitland Park, Fla." praised Orel Hershiser while chastising the other athletes her sons wrote to during the World Series. The time elapsed between the letter sent to the players and the time her letter to you was printed was just a few weeks. (She noted that Hershiser was pitching in the Series when they wrote to the players.) This is such a small time lapse.
The primary reason the players probably didn't autograph the cards was the high prices people pay for autographs. Many players have stopped signing autographs at games because adults get children to obtain them -- and then the adults sell the autographs. This is using the children and the players, and it's wrong. What's to stop a con man from mailing in numerous requests for autographs using the return addresses of friends and neighbors?
If the mother wants her sons to have autographs, she should take her children to card shows that often will have stars on hand to sign autographs for a fee. -- DOUGLAS D. WATSON, EVANSVILLE, IND.
DEAR DOUGLAS: While there probably are collectors who cheat to obtain autographs to sell, I doubt if America's heroes would cut off their young fans to prevent a few unprincipled and greedy adults from making a profit on the players' fame. That would be cutting off their noses to spite their faces. I suspect there are other reasons why players fail to return cards and respond to letters, such as requests too numerous to fill, schedules that don't permit them to respond to every fan, and possibly contracts with their owners.
Card shows where players autograph items for a fee are not a bad idea for serious collectors, but young fans who want an autograph simply because they "worship" the player should be able to write directly to the athlete or a fan club and request an autograph. It's the "American way."
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Second Son Has Sights Set on Big Brother's Big Bedroom
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old boy with an older brother who attends an out-of-town college. Since he entered college over a year ago, I have tried to convince my parents to let me switch bedrooms with him. Except for summer vacations, my brother rarely comes home, so his huge room is vacant most of the year. Although I am able to make use of his room in his absence, it is not truly mine, and I think it's unfair that I have been relegated to the smaller bedroom.
My parents don't want my brother to feel dispossessed. They want him to know that he is always welcome here and that his things will be exactly the way he left them. I don't want him to feel dispossessed either, but couldn't he feel just as welcome in a smaller bedroom?
Abby, why does the younger brother always get the shaft? Please help me. -- FRUSTRATED IN NEW YORK
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Ask your brother how he feels about his bedroom. Now that he is a college man and has been away from home for a year, he will probably agree to trade his large bedroom for your smaller one. If you can persuade him to tell your parents that he would be comfortable in your bedroom, you'll have it made.
DEAR ABBY: Before we were married, my husband, "Tony," had card parties for his buddies every Tuesday night. The parties lasted until at least midnight, but it didn't matter then because I could go home and get my sleep.
Now that we are newlyweds, this presents a problem for me. I start work early every morning (his hours are later) and I'm exhausted for the remainder of the week.
I've spoken to Tony about this and he's promised to end these parties earlier, but it never seems to happen. I've suggested rotating the parties to the other players' homes, which he did a few times. But now, because we've argued about it so often, he stubbornly refuses to do that. He claims, "This is the way it's always been." What can I do? -- I'VE DEALT MY HAND
DEAR DEALT: Marriage is compromise. Try to accommodate Tony on this issue, bearing in mind it is only one night a week. Buy earplugs and a sleep mask, turn on some soft music in your room and go to bed. You can learn to sleep with a little noise, knowing that your husband is home where he belongs and proud that he has such an understanding wife.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing because I think you will be pleased that there's a non-native speaker of English who reads your column every day to develop her reading skills.
I've learned many good expressions from the letters and your responses. Your column is also perfect for broadening my understanding of the American people. It's full of ordinary people, unlike the weird types we see on television talk shows.
I subscribe to my paper just for your column, and I read the section it is in before I read anything else.
Abby, I'm grateful that my tutor, Martha, who is also an enthusiastic reader, recommended I read your column to improve my English. -- HIDEKO IN LA CRESCENTA, CALIF.
DEAR HIDEKO: Thank you for your flattering letter. I have heard from other people in various parts of the world who sharpen their English skills by reading my column, but it's always nice to hear from another one.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)