To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bride's Third Time Marriage Holds No Charm for Her Mom
DEAR ABBY: I'm in quite a dilemma. My 40-year-old daughter is not speaking to me because I'm trying to prevent her from becoming the laughingstock of the century. She's planning to be married for the fourth time. Her first marriage was to escape her abusive father. The second was to provide a father for her child from the first marriage. The third was a stupid mistake.
Now she says she wants the wedding she has never had -- ivory dress, 6-foot train, and God knows what else. I told her she was creating a circus, a humiliation, the embarrassment of all time. I know the bride should have her wishes carried out to the letter on "her" day -- but she has already had three previous "days" that did not work. My daughter falls in and out of love as the wind changes.
I know I shouldn't throw stones because I have been married three times, but my present marriage to a man I thank the Lord for every day has lasted 17 years. I have talked to her fiance. He seems to be level-headed, and he, too, would like to avoid a spectacle. I'm sure he didn't win any Brownie points when he sided with me. It's his first marriage.
Abby, what can I do about my daughter? I don't like being at odds with her. -- OLD-FASHIONED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: There's nothing you can do. Since your daughter refuses to listen to you and her fiance, I doubt she would be open to any input from me. Of course, you are correct that simplicity should be the keynote for the ceremony and reception, but you can't live your daughter's life for her.
Wish her well and pray that your community has a short memory.
DEAR ABBY: The letter in your column from the reader who thought it would be a good idea to turn closed military bases into jails got me thinking. As a retired military person, I must agree in part with the writer of that letter. The facilities are there, and so is the equipment to train our young people to become good citizens.
But why use them to warehouse criminals?
Some of them could be converted to campuses for vocational schools around the country to help disadvantaged youth. Not all of our young people are college material -- but all of them need to learn how to earn a living. Students could spend part of their day in classroom learning and the rest in a shop, learning a skill. At the completion of their training they could be the people they would like to be.
We taxpayers have bought those bases and equipped them with everything that is needed to run a military installation. If the selected base needs more equipment, some could be moved from other bases that are being closed.
If some of the buildings are substandard, I can't imagine a better place to start training those young people for a trade in the building industry.
A final thought: Most of these young people would rather have a big hug and an "I love you" than parents who let them grow up in the wrong way. Speaking for myself, the return of love from a young person is the greatest gift I ever had. Parents, wake up!
Abby, please do not use my name or location. -- RETIRED MILITARY MAN
DEAR MILITARY MAN: You have hit upon a terrific idea, one that is well worth exploring. Such campuses would be a source of pride (and employment) in the surrounding communities. Our children are our most precious resource, and giving them the tools they need to enrich their lives will also enrich our country.
PAIN OF ADULTERY PERSISTS AFTER END OF THE MARRIAGE
DEAR ABBY: Adultery seems to be an accepted fact of life these days. Everybody's doing it. No problem.
It's no problem, that is, until you are the injured party. Then it's a very big deal. The hurt is so deep, it's hard to believe that someone who claims to love you has intentionally and selfishly inflicted this pain on you.
People say marriages can be salvaged and even improved in the healing process. However, I know for a fact that it will never happen without remorse on the part of the adulterer. In my case, there is none. My husband boasted, "I'm not sorry I did it. I'm glad. I had a great time."
After much soul-searching, I had to face the truth: I married a loser. I'm a kind and decent person who never expected or deserved to be treated so poorly. But I'm also strong, and although I'm deeply wounded, I'll be fine because I've been able to see why he had the affair. It had nothing to do with me. You see, with her he could pretend to be someone other than who he really is. He could pretend to be a successful businesseman when, in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. He could brag about his children like a devoted family man. In truth, he is a workaholic and not at all involved in their lives or upbringing.
For years I begged him to go for counseling. It was easier for him to find a sympathetic lover who was willing to hear how his wife didn't understand him. I understand him, all right -- too well. He is a charmer. However, he can also be mean-spirited and vengeful, a side he would never let her see.
He is in denial and takes no responsibility for his actions. When I told him he had to leave, he didn't go to her. Maybe it's because he's married, although that didn't seem to bother them before. Or maybe he knew eventually she would see through his charade. The reason doesn't matter. It's over for us.
I have some advice I'd like to give to your readers who might be considering having an affair: If you are unhappy in your marriage, get counseling or get out of the house. But do not get a lover. Affairs cause only trouble and very deep pain. -- SLOWLY HEALING IN FREEPORT, MAINE
DEAR SLOWLY HEALING: That's sage advice -- given by someone who obviously has not yet put the pain behind her.
I agree that adultery is not the solution to an ailing marriage. Only by having the courage to confront problems head-on can they be resolved. And it is that process, in addition to building love and respect, that creates successful partnerships.
DEAR ABBY: I read your letter from Luke, the teen-aged skateboarder who feels skateboarders get a bad rap from adults. I'm a television news anchor and thought you and Luke would appreciate the following story. It led our evening newscast recently.
Several teen-agers were skateboarding in downtown Abilene when they heard screaming. They found an elderly woman who had been attacked. A thief had knocked her down and stolen her purse.
The skaters split up. Some took off after the thief. Some stayed to help the woman, and others skateboarded off to summon the police. When the teens found the thief hiding in a parking garage, he took off again -- and they chased him on their boards until police arrived and arrested him. The elderly woman got her purse back, along with the contents.
These teens are members of a skateboarding stunt team that is part of a local church youth group. They spend their summers on the road, putting on great shows, then talking to other teens about leading moral lives.
Let's hear it for today's teens. With or without skateboards, most of them are on the right track. -- LOREN HALIFAX, KTAB-TV, ABILENE, TEXAS
DEAR LOREN: Thanks for an upper of a letter. It's the first time I've heard that the wheels of justice were attached to a skateboard.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Terrible Teen Turned Terrific Wants to Thank Mom and Dad
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old female student living at home. During my middle and senior school years, I was more than a handful, to put it mildly. I was angry and depressed, and caused my mother and her new husband a lot of problems. I did some horrible things. I got kicked out of several schools, received failing grades and ran with a bad crowd. I am very ashamed of my behavior.
I know I have deeply hurt my mother and the rest of my family. I am doing well now, but I don't know how to apologize to them and thank my mother for her support and for all she's done for me. I wake up every morning and thank my lucky stars that I wasn't thrown out on the streets.
My mother and stepfather have worked diligently to help me turn into the caring young woman I am today. Abby, how can I ever make up for the grief and heartache I caused them? Without them, I would be nothing. -- INDEBTED TO THEM, LAKEWOOD, CALIF.
DEAR INDEBTED: Your parents' reward comes from seeing what a fine young woman you have become. Parents are very forgiving. Your present behavior can make up for the past.
However, it wouldn't hurt to talk to your mother and stepfather and tell them how you feel. Apologize, and tell them you will spend the rest of your life being a credit to them. Let them know you love them, and continue being the caring, contributing member of your family and community that you have become.
DEAR ABBY: Some weeks ago, you agreed with a reader that birthday invitations should not include the child's sizes and toy suggestions.
Abby, I see nothing wrong with including sizes and toy preferences. The information is helpful in selecting gifts and ensures the clothing will fit. As far as being expected to bring a gift -- duh -- gifts are usually expected at birthday parties. -- BLANCHE POWELL, DETROIT
DEAR BLANCHE: While gift suggestions and sizes may be handy, it is still considered rude to "tell" people what they should give. If guests want to know sizes and preferences, they should call the host or hostess and ask.
I agree that gifts usually are expected at children's birthday parties, but whatever happened to the element of surprise in opening gifts chosen by the givers? That should be part of the fun of the child's birthday.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Anti-Smoker in St. Louis." If she loves her grandchildren enough, perhaps she will stop smoking. Here's what happened to me:
When my first granddaughter was born, I knew I would not be able to smoke near her. When I baby-sat, even in my own home, I went outside to smoke. I didn't want the baby to inhale my smoke. But I kept smoking for many more years even though my family pleaded with me to stop.
One day as I lit yet another cigarette, my young granddaughter asked me if I was ever going to stop smoking, and my daughter-in-law told her to stop nagging me. She said it was my business if I wanted to smoke and that "on your wedding day, your aunt can sit in the seat that Gram should have sat in."
That did it! After smoking for more than 30 years, I signed up for a stop-smoking class at a local hospital and haven't smoked for five years. Now I have four granddaughters and am looking forward to all of their weddings. -- CLAUDETTE BRADLEY, HAMPTON, N.H.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)