Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
PAIN OF ADULTERY PERSISTS AFTER END OF THE MARRIAGE
DEAR ABBY: Adultery seems to be an accepted fact of life these days. Everybody's doing it. No problem.
It's no problem, that is, until you are the injured party. Then it's a very big deal. The hurt is so deep, it's hard to believe that someone who claims to love you has intentionally and selfishly inflicted this pain on you.
People say marriages can be salvaged and even improved in the healing process. However, I know for a fact that it will never happen without remorse on the part of the adulterer. In my case, there is none. My husband boasted, "I'm not sorry I did it. I'm glad. I had a great time."
After much soul-searching, I had to face the truth: I married a loser. I'm a kind and decent person who never expected or deserved to be treated so poorly. But I'm also strong, and although I'm deeply wounded, I'll be fine because I've been able to see why he had the affair. It had nothing to do with me. You see, with her he could pretend to be someone other than who he really is. He could pretend to be a successful businesseman when, in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. He could brag about his children like a devoted family man. In truth, he is a workaholic and not at all involved in their lives or upbringing.
For years I begged him to go for counseling. It was easier for him to find a sympathetic lover who was willing to hear how his wife didn't understand him. I understand him, all right -- too well. He is a charmer. However, he can also be mean-spirited and vengeful, a side he would never let her see.
He is in denial and takes no responsibility for his actions. When I told him he had to leave, he didn't go to her. Maybe it's because he's married, although that didn't seem to bother them before. Or maybe he knew eventually she would see through his charade. The reason doesn't matter. It's over for us.
I have some advice I'd like to give to your readers who might be considering having an affair: If you are unhappy in your marriage, get counseling or get out of the house. But do not get a lover. Affairs cause only trouble and very deep pain. -- SLOWLY HEALING IN FREEPORT, MAINE
DEAR SLOWLY HEALING: That's sage advice -- given by someone who obviously has not yet put the pain behind her.
I agree that adultery is not the solution to an ailing marriage. Only by having the courage to confront problems head-on can they be resolved. And it is that process, in addition to building love and respect, that creates successful partnerships.
DEAR ABBY: I read your letter from Luke, the teen-aged skateboarder who feels skateboarders get a bad rap from adults. I'm a television news anchor and thought you and Luke would appreciate the following story. It led our evening newscast recently.
Several teen-agers were skateboarding in downtown Abilene when they heard screaming. They found an elderly woman who had been attacked. A thief had knocked her down and stolen her purse.
The skaters split up. Some took off after the thief. Some stayed to help the woman, and others skateboarded off to summon the police. When the teens found the thief hiding in a parking garage, he took off again -- and they chased him on their boards until police arrived and arrested him. The elderly woman got her purse back, along with the contents.
These teens are members of a skateboarding stunt team that is part of a local church youth group. They spend their summers on the road, putting on great shows, then talking to other teens about leading moral lives.
Let's hear it for today's teens. With or without skateboards, most of them are on the right track. -- LOREN HALIFAX, KTAB-TV, ABILENE, TEXAS
DEAR LOREN: Thanks for an upper of a letter. It's the first time I've heard that the wheels of justice were attached to a skateboard.
Terrible Teen Turned Terrific Wants to Thank Mom and Dad
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old female student living at home. During my middle and senior school years, I was more than a handful, to put it mildly. I was angry and depressed, and caused my mother and her new husband a lot of problems. I did some horrible things. I got kicked out of several schools, received failing grades and ran with a bad crowd. I am very ashamed of my behavior.
I know I have deeply hurt my mother and the rest of my family. I am doing well now, but I don't know how to apologize to them and thank my mother for her support and for all she's done for me. I wake up every morning and thank my lucky stars that I wasn't thrown out on the streets.
My mother and stepfather have worked diligently to help me turn into the caring young woman I am today. Abby, how can I ever make up for the grief and heartache I caused them? Without them, I would be nothing. -- INDEBTED TO THEM, LAKEWOOD, CALIF.
DEAR INDEBTED: Your parents' reward comes from seeing what a fine young woman you have become. Parents are very forgiving. Your present behavior can make up for the past.
However, it wouldn't hurt to talk to your mother and stepfather and tell them how you feel. Apologize, and tell them you will spend the rest of your life being a credit to them. Let them know you love them, and continue being the caring, contributing member of your family and community that you have become.
DEAR ABBY: Some weeks ago, you agreed with a reader that birthday invitations should not include the child's sizes and toy suggestions.
Abby, I see nothing wrong with including sizes and toy preferences. The information is helpful in selecting gifts and ensures the clothing will fit. As far as being expected to bring a gift -- duh -- gifts are usually expected at birthday parties. -- BLANCHE POWELL, DETROIT
DEAR BLANCHE: While gift suggestions and sizes may be handy, it is still considered rude to "tell" people what they should give. If guests want to know sizes and preferences, they should call the host or hostess and ask.
I agree that gifts usually are expected at children's birthday parties, but whatever happened to the element of surprise in opening gifts chosen by the givers? That should be part of the fun of the child's birthday.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Anti-Smoker in St. Louis." If she loves her grandchildren enough, perhaps she will stop smoking. Here's what happened to me:
When my first granddaughter was born, I knew I would not be able to smoke near her. When I baby-sat, even in my own home, I went outside to smoke. I didn't want the baby to inhale my smoke. But I kept smoking for many more years even though my family pleaded with me to stop.
One day as I lit yet another cigarette, my young granddaughter asked me if I was ever going to stop smoking, and my daughter-in-law told her to stop nagging me. She said it was my business if I wanted to smoke and that "on your wedding day, your aunt can sit in the seat that Gram should have sat in."
That did it! After smoking for more than 30 years, I signed up for a stop-smoking class at a local hospital and haven't smoked for five years. Now I have four granddaughters and am looking forward to all of their weddings. -- CLAUDETTE BRADLEY, HAMPTON, N.H.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HUSBAND'S HOCKEY OBSESSION IS PUTTING HIS MARRIAGE ON ICE
DEAR ABBY: A few years back I got my husband, "Al," involved in coaching our son's hockey team. The sport is something our family enjoys, so I thought it would bring us together. Was I ever wrong! Al's obsession is driving us further apart.
Our son (for unrelated reasons) has been forced to stop playing, but Al is deeper into it than ever. He coaches three teams on a volunteer basis and is away from the house and our four children frequently. It's as if he had a part-time job.
Before you say it, I know there are worse things my husband could be doing. However, that doesn't make it easier to play second fiddle. Al says this is his "thing," so I have no right to intrude. I used to be involved, too, when our son was playing, but I can't justify it now. So Al has told me to butt out of his life and stay away from the whole thing.
Obviously there are other things troubling our marriage, but the fact that he's putting "his responsibility to his teams" before his responsibility to his family is more than I can handle.
I resent the way my husband has put other people's kids ahead of his own. Don't get me wrong; most of the boys and girls he coaches are great. Al may not believe it, but I'm proud of all he's taught them to accomplish. But enough is enough! I don't want it to cost this coach his marriage. -- MRS. COACH IN FLORIDA
DEAR MRS. COACH: Marriage is a team sport that requires effort from both players in order to be successful. Coaching is the way your husband has managed to avoid confronting the "other things" troubling your marriage. The situation won't improve unless you and Al reach a compromise about the number of hours he devotes to coaching so the two of you can resolve your differences and revive your relationship.
DEAR ABBY: I never dreamed I'd be writing to anyone for advice, but I have a problem. I have been seeing this man since last February. I like him a lot, and he seems to feel the same about me. I am 76 and he is 64.
Our problem is his ex-wife. She comes to his house every Friday evening and stays until Sunday evening. He sees me Monday through Friday afternoons, and sometimes in the evenings. She acts like they are still married and still wears her wedding rings, but they are divorced. She drinks and needs help, or so he tells me. I told him if she needs help, there are other places she can go to get it. (They have four children.)
He doesn't want me to call him on the weekends, as it upsets her. Frankly, this hurts me. I have feelings too.
I have been waiting patiently for him to get rid of her. He says he doesn't want her at his home, but he doesn't do anything about it. Should I forget him and move on? I'm sure I could find someone else because I don't look or act my age. -- LONESOME IN CINCINNATI
DEAR LONESOME: Unless your friend finds the courage to tell his ex-wife that he has other plans for the weekends, your situation isn't going to change. And why should it? He's enjoying the best of both of you.
Since you think you could find someone else, you have nothing to lose by telling him he must make a choice. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice for people to see that senior citizens get safely to and from places, especially after dark, reminded me of the joke about the 90-year-old man who married the 19-year-old girl.
"Was she beautiful?"
"No," he replied.
"Sexy?" "No."
"Rich?" "No."
"Well, why in the world did you marry her?"
"Well," said the old man. "She could drive after dark." -- MAXINE TOWNSEND, CINCINNATI
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)