For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Terrible Teen Turned Terrific Wants to Thank Mom and Dad
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old female student living at home. During my middle and senior school years, I was more than a handful, to put it mildly. I was angry and depressed, and caused my mother and her new husband a lot of problems. I did some horrible things. I got kicked out of several schools, received failing grades and ran with a bad crowd. I am very ashamed of my behavior.
I know I have deeply hurt my mother and the rest of my family. I am doing well now, but I don't know how to apologize to them and thank my mother for her support and for all she's done for me. I wake up every morning and thank my lucky stars that I wasn't thrown out on the streets.
My mother and stepfather have worked diligently to help me turn into the caring young woman I am today. Abby, how can I ever make up for the grief and heartache I caused them? Without them, I would be nothing. -- INDEBTED TO THEM, LAKEWOOD, CALIF.
DEAR INDEBTED: Your parents' reward comes from seeing what a fine young woman you have become. Parents are very forgiving. Your present behavior can make up for the past.
However, it wouldn't hurt to talk to your mother and stepfather and tell them how you feel. Apologize, and tell them you will spend the rest of your life being a credit to them. Let them know you love them, and continue being the caring, contributing member of your family and community that you have become.
DEAR ABBY: Some weeks ago, you agreed with a reader that birthday invitations should not include the child's sizes and toy suggestions.
Abby, I see nothing wrong with including sizes and toy preferences. The information is helpful in selecting gifts and ensures the clothing will fit. As far as being expected to bring a gift -- duh -- gifts are usually expected at birthday parties. -- BLANCHE POWELL, DETROIT
DEAR BLANCHE: While gift suggestions and sizes may be handy, it is still considered rude to "tell" people what they should give. If guests want to know sizes and preferences, they should call the host or hostess and ask.
I agree that gifts usually are expected at children's birthday parties, but whatever happened to the element of surprise in opening gifts chosen by the givers? That should be part of the fun of the child's birthday.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Anti-Smoker in St. Louis." If she loves her grandchildren enough, perhaps she will stop smoking. Here's what happened to me:
When my first granddaughter was born, I knew I would not be able to smoke near her. When I baby-sat, even in my own home, I went outside to smoke. I didn't want the baby to inhale my smoke. But I kept smoking for many more years even though my family pleaded with me to stop.
One day as I lit yet another cigarette, my young granddaughter asked me if I was ever going to stop smoking, and my daughter-in-law told her to stop nagging me. She said it was my business if I wanted to smoke and that "on your wedding day, your aunt can sit in the seat that Gram should have sat in."
That did it! After smoking for more than 30 years, I signed up for a stop-smoking class at a local hospital and haven't smoked for five years. Now I have four granddaughters and am looking forward to all of their weddings. -- CLAUDETTE BRADLEY, HAMPTON, N.H.
HUSBAND'S HOCKEY OBSESSION IS PUTTING HIS MARRIAGE ON ICE
DEAR ABBY: A few years back I got my husband, "Al," involved in coaching our son's hockey team. The sport is something our family enjoys, so I thought it would bring us together. Was I ever wrong! Al's obsession is driving us further apart.
Our son (for unrelated reasons) has been forced to stop playing, but Al is deeper into it than ever. He coaches three teams on a volunteer basis and is away from the house and our four children frequently. It's as if he had a part-time job.
Before you say it, I know there are worse things my husband could be doing. However, that doesn't make it easier to play second fiddle. Al says this is his "thing," so I have no right to intrude. I used to be involved, too, when our son was playing, but I can't justify it now. So Al has told me to butt out of his life and stay away from the whole thing.
Obviously there are other things troubling our marriage, but the fact that he's putting "his responsibility to his teams" before his responsibility to his family is more than I can handle.
I resent the way my husband has put other people's kids ahead of his own. Don't get me wrong; most of the boys and girls he coaches are great. Al may not believe it, but I'm proud of all he's taught them to accomplish. But enough is enough! I don't want it to cost this coach his marriage. -- MRS. COACH IN FLORIDA
DEAR MRS. COACH: Marriage is a team sport that requires effort from both players in order to be successful. Coaching is the way your husband has managed to avoid confronting the "other things" troubling your marriage. The situation won't improve unless you and Al reach a compromise about the number of hours he devotes to coaching so the two of you can resolve your differences and revive your relationship.
DEAR ABBY: I never dreamed I'd be writing to anyone for advice, but I have a problem. I have been seeing this man since last February. I like him a lot, and he seems to feel the same about me. I am 76 and he is 64.
Our problem is his ex-wife. She comes to his house every Friday evening and stays until Sunday evening. He sees me Monday through Friday afternoons, and sometimes in the evenings. She acts like they are still married and still wears her wedding rings, but they are divorced. She drinks and needs help, or so he tells me. I told him if she needs help, there are other places she can go to get it. (They have four children.)
He doesn't want me to call him on the weekends, as it upsets her. Frankly, this hurts me. I have feelings too.
I have been waiting patiently for him to get rid of her. He says he doesn't want her at his home, but he doesn't do anything about it. Should I forget him and move on? I'm sure I could find someone else because I don't look or act my age. -- LONESOME IN CINCINNATI
DEAR LONESOME: Unless your friend finds the courage to tell his ex-wife that he has other plans for the weekends, your situation isn't going to change. And why should it? He's enjoying the best of both of you.
Since you think you could find someone else, you have nothing to lose by telling him he must make a choice. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice for people to see that senior citizens get safely to and from places, especially after dark, reminded me of the joke about the 90-year-old man who married the 19-year-old girl.
"Was she beautiful?"
"No," he replied.
"Sexy?" "No."
"Rich?" "No."
"Well, why in the world did you marry her?"
"Well," said the old man. "She could drive after dark." -- MAXINE TOWNSEND, CINCINNATI
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Letter Writing Father Wants Top Billing for His Thoughts
DEAR ABBY: My wife prefers that I write the letters to our children and relatives. Although she writes a delightful letter, she lacks confidence in her ability to punctuate and spell correctly. I enjoy writing, so I don't mind performing this task for both of us.
For many years I closed the letter, "With love," followed by "Mom and Dad" or both our first names. Last year I decided this was not correct. Although my wife occasionally suggests thoughts that I include, I am the one who generates most of the thoughts and takes the time to write them. Therefore, I started closing my letters, "With love from both of us," followed by "Dad" or my name. This angers my wife. She insists that I sign "Mom and Dad" or both our first names. I insist that she is welcome to add a postscript to my letter and sign it or write her own letters.
My wife wants the letter to be from both of us, but I feel I should sign my letters with my name because they contain my thoughts. Am I being hardheaded? -- THE LONE WRITER, RICHLAND, WASH.
DEAR LONE WRITER: Yes. I empathize with you for wanting recognition for the work of art you have created, but it's a little late to begin asserting your individuality. I'm sure your children and relatives know who is really putting the words on the paper, so for the sake of harmony in the household, continue to sign your letters, "With love, from Mom and Dad."
In almost every marriage, the spouse with the stronger skills will assume responsibility for various chores -- the gardening, balancing the checkbook, wardrobe coordination, etc. That's what makes a partnership successful.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter that appeared in your column just before Thanksgiving from "Grieving Mom in Texas."
It is a tragedy that this family lost their firstborn in a drunk-driving crash. Drunk driving is not an accident. No one forces intoxicated drivers to get behind the wheel. They make that choice of their own free will.
I personally have lost two people who were very close to me. The first was my best friend from childhood. Eight months after that, his mother was struck and killed instantly by another drunk driver. Approximately 10 years later, I was struck and almost killed by a drunk driver.
Drunk driving is the most frequently committed violent crime in America, and the No. 1 killer of those between the ages of 6 and 33. I agree with your response that the holidays were rapidly approaching and your hope was that her letter would serve as a cautionary reminder about the dangers of driving under the influence. With a person dying every 32 minutes and being injured every 30 seconds, it's vital that people know how serious the drunk-driving problem is.
As a three-time victim, I must say that the best medicine for the pain all victims have endured is to get involved with Mother's Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Your readers can call MADD's national hotline -- 1-800-438-6233 -- to learn more about MADD and to get involved with their local chapter. The thousands of people in the organization support each other and are a tremendous help in our times of need. -- STEVE EMERICK, CHATSWORTH, CALIF.
DEAR STEVE: I haven't mentioned Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) in my column for some time. Thank you for giving me the opportunity.
I can think of no more effective support than MADD for someone who has lost a loved one through an alcohol-related tragedy. People with a shared experience can communicate with one another on a more profound level.
MADD also promotes education and awareness, and serves as advocate for victims and families throughout the courtroom process.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)