To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Letter Writing Father Wants Top Billing for His Thoughts
DEAR ABBY: My wife prefers that I write the letters to our children and relatives. Although she writes a delightful letter, she lacks confidence in her ability to punctuate and spell correctly. I enjoy writing, so I don't mind performing this task for both of us.
For many years I closed the letter, "With love," followed by "Mom and Dad" or both our first names. Last year I decided this was not correct. Although my wife occasionally suggests thoughts that I include, I am the one who generates most of the thoughts and takes the time to write them. Therefore, I started closing my letters, "With love from both of us," followed by "Dad" or my name. This angers my wife. She insists that I sign "Mom and Dad" or both our first names. I insist that she is welcome to add a postscript to my letter and sign it or write her own letters.
My wife wants the letter to be from both of us, but I feel I should sign my letters with my name because they contain my thoughts. Am I being hardheaded? -- THE LONE WRITER, RICHLAND, WASH.
DEAR LONE WRITER: Yes. I empathize with you for wanting recognition for the work of art you have created, but it's a little late to begin asserting your individuality. I'm sure your children and relatives know who is really putting the words on the paper, so for the sake of harmony in the household, continue to sign your letters, "With love, from Mom and Dad."
In almost every marriage, the spouse with the stronger skills will assume responsibility for various chores -- the gardening, balancing the checkbook, wardrobe coordination, etc. That's what makes a partnership successful.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter that appeared in your column just before Thanksgiving from "Grieving Mom in Texas."
It is a tragedy that this family lost their firstborn in a drunk-driving crash. Drunk driving is not an accident. No one forces intoxicated drivers to get behind the wheel. They make that choice of their own free will.
I personally have lost two people who were very close to me. The first was my best friend from childhood. Eight months after that, his mother was struck and killed instantly by another drunk driver. Approximately 10 years later, I was struck and almost killed by a drunk driver.
Drunk driving is the most frequently committed violent crime in America, and the No. 1 killer of those between the ages of 6 and 33. I agree with your response that the holidays were rapidly approaching and your hope was that her letter would serve as a cautionary reminder about the dangers of driving under the influence. With a person dying every 32 minutes and being injured every 30 seconds, it's vital that people know how serious the drunk-driving problem is.
As a three-time victim, I must say that the best medicine for the pain all victims have endured is to get involved with Mother's Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Your readers can call MADD's national hotline -- 1-800-438-6233 -- to learn more about MADD and to get involved with their local chapter. The thousands of people in the organization support each other and are a tremendous help in our times of need. -- STEVE EMERICK, CHATSWORTH, CALIF.
DEAR STEVE: I haven't mentioned Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) in my column for some time. Thank you for giving me the opportunity.
I can think of no more effective support than MADD for someone who has lost a loved one through an alcohol-related tragedy. People with a shared experience can communicate with one another on a more profound level.
MADD also promotes education and awareness, and serves as advocate for victims and families throughout the courtroom process.
SENIORS SHOULD TAKE CHARGE BEFORE OTHERS ARE FORCED TO
DEAR ABBY: What is it with people who do not want to go to a nursing home when they get old? I often read about the anguish families go through when an oldster can no longer live independently. Younger family members have their own ordeals, but old folks seem to hang onto houses they can't keep up and mountains of accumulated "treasures" of questionable value. They see only two options: Stay put, or have the kids take them in.
My aunt, however, was another story. She wasn't wealthy, but had a little money and was smart with what she had. She was widowed at 50, worked until retirement, then set about to enjoy herself. One fine day in her 70s, she informed me that she had visited two retirement homes and knew where she intended to move when she needed looking after. She bought the dress for her funeral, picked out the casket, chose the hymns and helped the preacher write her eulogy. "Now," she proclaimed, "I'm just going to enjoy life until the end." What an inspiration!
Abby, most people are far too attached to material things for their own good. I suppose giving up my material things will also be difficult, but the hardest thing for me would be giving up my dogs. But then, why would I want to be schlepping out to walk a pooch every morning and evening when I am old and feeble?
As for insisting on dying at home (as if that's some tender and sentimental thing to do), it's unfair to saddle loved ones with such difficult and depressing circumstances.
I recently read that about 30 percent of people would choose suicide over a nursing home! Are they nuts? Give me clean, pleasant surroundings for my final days.
While my attitude may strike some as insensitive and cold, actually I love life and intend to live it to the fullest, like my aunt who never made it to the nursing home. At age 83, she had a massive stroke while boarding a tour bus and died almost immediately.
Why is it that so many who say, "I don't want to be a burden," do everything to become one by imposing on relatives or forcing decisions on others when they are no longer able to live alone?
I know this is long, but I think it bears an important message. -- LIVING IT UP 'TIL THE END
DEAR LIVING: Your aunt is the kind of role model we all aspire to be, active and vital to the end -- and you are not far behind. However, please don't be so judgmental of those who are hesitant to give up their independence and familiar surroundings. Many people fear the unknown, and as they age, become less able to adjust to new situations. Few are eager to surrender control of their lives -- and that is what a nursing home symbolizes to many.
Assisted-living facilities that offer varying levels of care for seniors while permitting them to continue pursuing their interests and activities are far more attractive alternatives. Residents can maintain their independence assured that should they become ill or need long-term care, they will have access to health-care services while remaining in a familiar environment.
Seniors should carefully investigate all the options before making decisions about their "December" years.
DEAR ABBY: Please inform me of the proper etiquette. A friend was married for three days, and then the marriage was annulled. What should she do with the wedding gifts? -- WONDERING IN TUCSON
DEAR WONDERING: Since the marriage lasted only three days and was then annulled, the wedding gifts belong to the bride and groom. Whether they return any presents depends on their personal feelings about it. The bride, however, should return any jewelry or heirlooms she received from the groom's family.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Thought Counts in Marriage, but Gifts Are Important Too
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Sybil," has had a boyfriend I'll call "Todd" for about five years, through high school and now college. They are considering marriage. They have exchanged gifts for birthdays and holidays, but Todd's participation has always been reluctant.
Recently, Sybil treated Todd to dinner at an expensive restaurant and gave him a gift for his 21st birthday. She was happy to do it, and he seemed very appreciative. When her birthday came, she received only a card and a phone call from Todd, even though they live in the same town. She was hurt, and it strained their relationship. Todd's excuse was that gifts are "materialistic." Sybil and I believe that a gift of any size would have been a thoughtful remembrance.
Abby, I am concerned that this could become a habit. I have known women who have been lucky to get even a nod from their significant others on their special days and, as a result, I have seen sorrow every year when their days roll around. Why should they have to grin and bear it, or nag their partners? Will you please share how this matter can be tactfully handled? -- A MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR MOM: If you are on comfortable terms with Todd, try a candid, confidential talk with him. Bear in mind that upbringing has everything to do with how one views gift-giving. Todd's family may have a different value system.
Explain how important a gesture of remembrance is in your family. If Todd is made out of the right stuff, he will adjust and acknowledge Sybil's special days. If not, she will have to decide if Todd is the man for her.
DEAR ABBY: My letter is in response to "Grace in Tampa, Fla.," who was worried about her daughter and her daughter's friend chatting with a boy on the Internet.
The parents have every cause to be worried and should get the girls off the Internet, but perhaps they shouldn't go to the extreme of saying she cannot even WRITE to the boy. Why don't they check him out, verify who lives at the address, and speak with him to see what he is like?
If things check out OK, they should read the letters he has already written to make sure the correspondence is appropriate, and if it is, let the teen keep in touch with him by letter.
As for the girls being home alone every afternoon, those parents should get them busy! As someone who chats online on occasion, I know that most people who are chatting have no life, and chatting is their only entertainment. Teens should have more to do than chat online. Get them into a Big Sister program, volunteer groups, Girl Scouts, sports -- something to help them build skills and develop their sense of self. Once they are active and have plenty of outside activities, the Internet will lose its allure. -- LAURIE IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR LAURIE: Your answer is better than mine, and I thank you for it. Since this topic has received so much publicity recently, may I add: A computer can be a powerful tool for learning, as well as a rich resource of entertainment. However, it is not, and never was intended to be, a baby sitter.
I agree with you that a computer is no substitute for activities where young people mingle, interact, and learn social skills as well as how they, as individuals, can contribute to their communities.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)