To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN WHO 'NEEDS HIS SPACE' WON'T MAKE ROOM FOR KIDS
DEAR ABBY: In all the 33 years I have read your column, nothing has appalled me like the letter from the live-in who described herself as "Almost No. 2." She said, "He left his wife and two kids because the responsibility gave him no time for himself." What idiocy!
What kind of woman would want a man who shows no responsibility for his own children, but expects him to parent HER kids? These people are sick, sick, sick! You were much too easy on them with your answer. Stand tough, Abby. -- MARY EGAN IN DALLAS
DEAR MARY: I advised the woman not to try to defend her position, which was indefensible. I do not flog those who write to me, even when I disapprove of their actions. Mine is an advice column -- not a whipping post.
Believe me, my readers got the message. The letters are still flying in. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have never been as angry as I was after I read the letter signed "Almost No. 2." She said, "Nine- and 16-year-olds don't need a lot of attention." These are critical ages in their lives, and being ignored by their father because he "needs more time to himself" is clearly child abuse.
When people ask why the kids aren't around, "Almost No. 2" and her boyfriend should tell the truth: "We want them around only when we have nothing else better to do." That's the message he's sending out to his kids.
If his children are too much of a responsibility, he should have kept his pants on. These two deserve each other. -- MOM WHO LOVES TO BE WITH HER SON
DEAR ABBY: "Indefensible" is the word! The next time people ask why Matt, "Father of the Year," doesn't see his own children, they should be told he simply doesn't give a damn. And when they ask "Almost No. 2" how she could defend him, she should tell them because she's still "Almost."
After she actually becomes "No. 2" and Matt gives her the "I need my space" story, I'll be looking for a letter in your column signed "WHAT WAS I THINKING?" -- or, perhaps, simply, "DUH." -- CLIFFORD WILLIAMS, MALDEN, MASS.
DEAR ABBY: What a wonderful couple these two make! She's insensitive, while he is simply a cad.
My brother and I (both now in our 20s) were fortunate to have an understanding stepmother who realized that our relationship with our father shouldn't change regardless of the marital status between our parents. Our father continues to spend a lot of time with us.
We are now professional, responsible adults who were fortunate to receive all the love and support both parents could give.
I hate to think that Matt's kids will never get that support from their father. Child support is not an expression of love -- it's an obligation -- and believe me, those kids are intelligent enough to know the difference. -- THANKFUL IN CAPE CORAL, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: As I read that letter I could literally feel my blood pressure rising. I wanted to reach out and strangle "Almost No. 2."
This is a personal issue to me, Abby. The day before my sixth birthday, my father left my mother for another woman. I missed having a male role model. I missed having a father's hug when I needed it (and I did need it -- to this day I have never hugged another man). I missed having a father there to congratulate me and praise me during those special times in my life when I accomplished something.
My father tried to reconcile when I was older, but it wasn't the same. We no longer talk -- yet I still love him. The only way I followed in his footsteps was to become a volunteer firefighter like he had been.
Children, regardless of age or gender, need their father. "Almost No. 2" should accept his kids as he accepts her. If you print this, please use my name; I hope my father sees it. -- CHRISTOPHER M. OTT, HARLEYSVILLE, PA.
'Girl Next Door' Feels Used and Worthless After Rape
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old Mormon girl who attended church every week until last March. I did not curse, drink or smoke, and I was a virgin. I was the "girl next door." I was respected for what I believed in and had many good friends.
In March my life was turned upside down. I was raped. I couldn't believe this happened to me, but it did. I couldn't tell anyone -- not my parents, not my church counselors, not my friends. My parents learned what had happened through the police.
I had filed a crime report, but I could not make myself sign the charges. The man who raped me wasn't charged since I didn't sign the papers, so he's walking around free to do it again.
I feel so used, so bad. I feel completely worthless, and I'm sure no one will ever want me. Because I couldn't face the church members, I quit going, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to attend worship services again. I feel too guilty to go back, although I know it wasn't my fault.
I'm trying to forget the rape and put that nightmare behind me so I can get on with my life.
Abby, I had always planned on being a virgin when I walked down the aisle. I didn't want this to happen, but it did, and now I don't know if I'm a virgin or not. I know this is a strange question, but I need to know. Please help me. -- RAPED VIRGIN
DEAR RAPED VIRGIN: You may no longer be a virgin, but because the act occurred against your will, the church may consider you still a virgin.
In time you may be able to face your church counselors to inquire; meanwhile, call your local rape hotline, or the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (R.A.I.N.N.) -- 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) -- to be referred to your nearest rape treatment center. They will understand your trauma and reach out to you in this time of emotional devastation. You are not alone -- it is estimated that every two minutes a woman is raped in this country.
Please don't delay; call the hotline TODAY. You've suffered enough.
DEAR ABBY: As many of us get older, our sight and hearing are not what they used to be.
When old friends and acquaintances see my well-known and beloved father, they often rush over and jump into conversation, giving him no clue as to their identity. Even worse, they will say, "I bet you don't remember me, do you?"
Abby, if Dad could see well, he would have known them in an instant because there is nothing wrong with his mind or memory. Please tell your readers that when they run into a friend who has a vision or hearing problem (or for that matter, anyone they haven't seen in a long time), they should introduce themselves immediately -- and add an extra hint: "Hi, Jim, I'm Alex Smith from Salinas, Calif."
This courtesy will not only be greatly appreciated, but probably will lead to many warm and wonderful recollections. -- PATRICIA IN RENO, NEV.
DEAR PATRICIA: I'm willing to wager that everyone who reads this has been approached by someone who has said, "Hi -- I'll bet you don't remember me, do you?"
Thank you for a valuable suggestion well worth remembering.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
LETTERS FULL OF MEMORIES MAKE DAD'S LAST BIRTHDAY HIS BEST
DEAR ABBY: I read a letter in your column that described how, for their parents' anniversary, the children asked friends and family to write letters recalling a special memory they had shared with the couple. The children put all of the letters into an album and presented it to the parents on their anniversary. I thought it was a great idea, but it wasn't until late last summer that I decided to take that advice myself.
My father's 70th birthday was approaching. Instead of requesting that the letters be sent to me, I asked everyone to send the letters directly to Dad during the week of his birthday. I intended to pay him a visit on the afternoon of his special day and collect them in a folder for him.
My father called me every day that week with such joy and excitement in his voice. He was getting about eight letters a day from people he hadn't heard from in years. All were filled with wonderful memories. I didn't tell him I sent the requests out, but someone who wrote him did. Dad thanked me and said it was the best gift he could have received. I promised to help him answer every letter.
Well, my father died on the afternoon of his 70th birthday of a heart attack. I am so grateful that I acted upon something I read in your column. I kept my promise and answered every letter.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for continuing to write your column. I'm 41 years old and have been a faithful reader since I was a teen-ager. I speak from experience when I say that although some people may read your column only for enjoyment, someday they'll need to use some of your sage advice. -- DEB LOGUE, EAST PETERSBURG, PA.
DEAR DEB: Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved father. I'm gratified that an item you read in my column proved to be so meaningful. I have received many letters from readers who wanted me to know the pleasure that their loved ones experienced upon receiving a memory book. They make priceless, one-of-a-kind mementos.
DEAR ABBY: You said in your column that you once heard an anthropologist say that "two things distinguish men from apes: our opposable thumb and our ability to invent tools."
Whoever that anthropologist was, he or she must have been years out of date. All primates have opposable thumbs, from the lemurs to the apes (in fact, many apes have FOUR opposable thumbs -- one on each hand and one on each foot). The ability to invent tools was once thought to be a uniquely human characteristic, until 1960. At that time, Jane Goodall observed wild chimpanzees making "tools" out of branches by stripping the leaves and breaking them to a proper size. These tools are made to "fish" for termites in the narrow tunnels of termite mounds, so they must be the proper thickness and free of leaves.
When she telegraphed this discovery to her sponsor, the famous anthropologist, Dr. Louis Leakey, he sent back the reply, "We must now redefine tools, redefine man, or accept chimpanzees as human." Nobody would deny that we are different from chimpanzees and other apes, but the more we learn about them, the more we find that in many respects, we are not as different as perhaps we would like to think. -- TIM SUSMAN, STAFF SCIENTIST, THE JANE GOODALL INSTITUTE'S CENTER FOR PRIMATE STUDIES, ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR MR. SUSMAN: Thank you for enlightening me. When Miss Goodall discovered that chimpanzees are closer to humans than originally thought, she also made a monkey out of me.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)