Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
'Girl Next Door' Feels Used and Worthless After Rape
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old Mormon girl who attended church every week until last March. I did not curse, drink or smoke, and I was a virgin. I was the "girl next door." I was respected for what I believed in and had many good friends.
In March my life was turned upside down. I was raped. I couldn't believe this happened to me, but it did. I couldn't tell anyone -- not my parents, not my church counselors, not my friends. My parents learned what had happened through the police.
I had filed a crime report, but I could not make myself sign the charges. The man who raped me wasn't charged since I didn't sign the papers, so he's walking around free to do it again.
I feel so used, so bad. I feel completely worthless, and I'm sure no one will ever want me. Because I couldn't face the church members, I quit going, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to attend worship services again. I feel too guilty to go back, although I know it wasn't my fault.
I'm trying to forget the rape and put that nightmare behind me so I can get on with my life.
Abby, I had always planned on being a virgin when I walked down the aisle. I didn't want this to happen, but it did, and now I don't know if I'm a virgin or not. I know this is a strange question, but I need to know. Please help me. -- RAPED VIRGIN
DEAR RAPED VIRGIN: You may no longer be a virgin, but because the act occurred against your will, the church may consider you still a virgin.
In time you may be able to face your church counselors to inquire; meanwhile, call your local rape hotline, or the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (R.A.I.N.N.) -- 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) -- to be referred to your nearest rape treatment center. They will understand your trauma and reach out to you in this time of emotional devastation. You are not alone -- it is estimated that every two minutes a woman is raped in this country.
Please don't delay; call the hotline TODAY. You've suffered enough.
DEAR ABBY: As many of us get older, our sight and hearing are not what they used to be.
When old friends and acquaintances see my well-known and beloved father, they often rush over and jump into conversation, giving him no clue as to their identity. Even worse, they will say, "I bet you don't remember me, do you?"
Abby, if Dad could see well, he would have known them in an instant because there is nothing wrong with his mind or memory. Please tell your readers that when they run into a friend who has a vision or hearing problem (or for that matter, anyone they haven't seen in a long time), they should introduce themselves immediately -- and add an extra hint: "Hi, Jim, I'm Alex Smith from Salinas, Calif."
This courtesy will not only be greatly appreciated, but probably will lead to many warm and wonderful recollections. -- PATRICIA IN RENO, NEV.
DEAR PATRICIA: I'm willing to wager that everyone who reads this has been approached by someone who has said, "Hi -- I'll bet you don't remember me, do you?"
Thank you for a valuable suggestion well worth remembering.
LETTERS FULL OF MEMORIES MAKE DAD'S LAST BIRTHDAY HIS BEST
DEAR ABBY: I read a letter in your column that described how, for their parents' anniversary, the children asked friends and family to write letters recalling a special memory they had shared with the couple. The children put all of the letters into an album and presented it to the parents on their anniversary. I thought it was a great idea, but it wasn't until late last summer that I decided to take that advice myself.
My father's 70th birthday was approaching. Instead of requesting that the letters be sent to me, I asked everyone to send the letters directly to Dad during the week of his birthday. I intended to pay him a visit on the afternoon of his special day and collect them in a folder for him.
My father called me every day that week with such joy and excitement in his voice. He was getting about eight letters a day from people he hadn't heard from in years. All were filled with wonderful memories. I didn't tell him I sent the requests out, but someone who wrote him did. Dad thanked me and said it was the best gift he could have received. I promised to help him answer every letter.
Well, my father died on the afternoon of his 70th birthday of a heart attack. I am so grateful that I acted upon something I read in your column. I kept my promise and answered every letter.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for continuing to write your column. I'm 41 years old and have been a faithful reader since I was a teen-ager. I speak from experience when I say that although some people may read your column only for enjoyment, someday they'll need to use some of your sage advice. -- DEB LOGUE, EAST PETERSBURG, PA.
DEAR DEB: Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved father. I'm gratified that an item you read in my column proved to be so meaningful. I have received many letters from readers who wanted me to know the pleasure that their loved ones experienced upon receiving a memory book. They make priceless, one-of-a-kind mementos.
DEAR ABBY: You said in your column that you once heard an anthropologist say that "two things distinguish men from apes: our opposable thumb and our ability to invent tools."
Whoever that anthropologist was, he or she must have been years out of date. All primates have opposable thumbs, from the lemurs to the apes (in fact, many apes have FOUR opposable thumbs -- one on each hand and one on each foot). The ability to invent tools was once thought to be a uniquely human characteristic, until 1960. At that time, Jane Goodall observed wild chimpanzees making "tools" out of branches by stripping the leaves and breaking them to a proper size. These tools are made to "fish" for termites in the narrow tunnels of termite mounds, so they must be the proper thickness and free of leaves.
When she telegraphed this discovery to her sponsor, the famous anthropologist, Dr. Louis Leakey, he sent back the reply, "We must now redefine tools, redefine man, or accept chimpanzees as human." Nobody would deny that we are different from chimpanzees and other apes, but the more we learn about them, the more we find that in many respects, we are not as different as perhaps we would like to think. -- TIM SUSMAN, STAFF SCIENTIST, THE JANE GOODALL INSTITUTE'S CENTER FOR PRIMATE STUDIES, ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR MR. SUSMAN: Thank you for enlightening me. When Miss Goodall discovered that chimpanzees are closer to humans than originally thought, she also made a monkey out of me.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FRIEND'S EYES ARE OPENED BY BLIND WOMAN'S STRUGGLE
DEAR ABBY: The letter about the man with Parkinson's disease and the waiter asking his wife, "And what will he have?" struck a nerve with me.
I have a dear friend who happens to be blind. We had the same experience while shopping for a stove. The clerk asked me, "What kind of stove does she want?" I said, "Why don't you ask her? She will be using the stove."
This lady was married 27 years, and raised four children. Both she and her husband are blind. They are a remarkable couple, to say the least.
She, too, has kept her sense of humor. She says, "I'm blind, but not hard of hearing or stupid!"
We rate restaurants by how many menus they give us. She always has her white cane with her, of course. We make a point of asking for a Braille menu; some restaurants even have them! Then she reads it to me and I check it against my menu to see if it is the same.
Abby, it is amazing how insensitive the general public can be. Having her as a friend has made me much more aware of people's disabilities. -- MARGARET WILDE, KENNEWICK, WASH.
DEAR MARGARET: Being a sidekick to someone with a disability is almost as instructive as walking a mile in her moccasins. I'm sure that others who have seen beyond the disability and found a great friend would confirm your findings. Thanks for writing. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My heart went out to the woman whose husband has Parkinson's disease.
Yes, it is amazing how stupid some people act with handicapped people, but on the other hand, there are many understanding people out there. As a caregiver for more than 18 years, I've seen both.
Whenever we go to a new restaurant, I call ahead and explain that I will be coming in with a person who has disabilities and request that they speak to him or her, not me. People are very kind and cooperative once they understand. I have even called McDonald's, and they were wonderful.
Many times I've been thanked for taking the time to call and explain, and everything went well. I hope this suggestion will help the person who wrote to you. -- POLLY THAMARUS, COALDALE, PA.
DEAR POLLY: I'm certain it will help not only the woman who wrote to me, but many others as well. Bless you for your concern.
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine borrowed nearly $1,000 from me almost 20 years ago. She has not mentioned it nor offered to pay me. At that time, she would have been 70-something and I was in my 40s, and still working.
I am retired now for medical reasons and could sure use the money. She is 95 and I am 62. She has the money and she's sharp as a tack. I'm sure she must have forgotten the loan. Should I mention it to her? -- RETIRED AND BROKE, KANSAS CITY, MO.
DEAR RETIRED AND BROKE: By all means remind her of the loan. You have nothing to lose and nearly $1,000 to gain.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)