For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Must Lay Down Law to Kids Who Think They Rule
DEAR ABBY: What's a roommate to do? My roommate, Susie, has five children. They range in age from 11 to 18. Two live with her, and three live with their father. When all five are here for a month in the summer, life is difficult.
The children who live with their father have few rules, no chores, curfews or discipline in their home. When they arrive, they are frequently rude, complaining, unappreciative, and disrespectful to their mother, their siblings and to me.
As a homeowner and single woman, I cringe when the children arrive. I know there will be no peace in my home until they leave. I worry about my pets, swimming pool or trampoline accidents, my belongings and my ability to hold my tongue.
The question: Would I be out of line if I spoke up and said, "This is what's expected of you while you are visiting in my home"?
Abby, there must be other people in situations similar to mine. What do they do under these cirumstances? -- PUZZLED IN ARKANSAS
DEAR PUZZLED: You have every right to tell the children, "These are the rules of the house, and I expect you to abide by them." You might also hand them a list such as the following:
HOUSE RULES
1. If you open it, close it.
2. If you turn it on, turn it off.
3. If you unlock it, lock it.
4. If you break it, repair it.
5. If you can't fix it, call in someone who can.
6. If you borrow it, return it.
7. If you use it, take care of it.
8. If you make a mess, clean it up.
9. If you move it, put it back.
10. If it belongs to someone else and you want to use it, get permission.
11. If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone.
12. If it doesn't concern you, don't mess with it.
Also, give consideration to increasing your household insurance to cover possible damage.
I wish you the best of luck!
DEAR ABBY: I have been a librarian for 25 years and hope you will help me get an important message out to people everywhere.
Many times when patrons approach me at the library information desk, they preface their requests with, "I know this is probably a dumb question, but ..." Abby, this always distresses me, because the fact is, most librarians love their work -- and if everyone walked into the library already knowing how to find the information they want, we wouldn't be needed!
I always tell my patrons that as far as I'm concerned, there are no "dumb" questions, and if it weren't for their asking for my help, I would be working at something far less enjoyable. So, the message is, "Please ask the librarian. We want to help you!" Thanks, Abby. -- CAROL GOODSON, CARROLLTON, GA.
DEAR CAROL: I'm pleased to convey your message. I am in complete agreement with your philosophy that there's no such thing as a dumb question. What is really dumb is remaining ignorant.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl who read your column about "Winning Against the Odds." I was surprised to see the names of only five women included, so I decided to add to your list of names.
You once printed a list of African Americans who were born into a society filled with heavy prejudice. Well, that same prejudice was once practiced against women. Women who wanted careers or the same rights as men were shunned. I offer a list of 10 more women who overcame various hardships:
-- Rejected by medical schools in London because of her gender, Elizabeth Garrett Anderson became the first female member of the British Medical Association.
-- Born into poverty was author Louisa May Alcott.
-- Struck with Marfan's syndrome was Flo Hyman, who won a silver medal in Olympic volleyball. She is the namesake of the Flo Hyman Award.
-- Orphaned at age 10 was former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt.
-- Raised as a slave was evangelist and reformer Sojourner Truth.
-- Ridiculed, shunned and arrested for standing up for their beliefs were suffragettes Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton.
-- Orphaned at 13 was Oksana Baiul, Olympic figure skating champion.
-- Denied admission to most medical schools and blind in one eye was Elizabeth Blackwell, the first woman in the United States to earn a medical degree.
-- Incapacitated for a decade as a result of a spinal injury and a lung ailment was Elizabeth Barrett Browning, poet and feminist. -- ALISON IN FLORIDA
DEAR ALISON: My column titled "Winning Against the Odds" inspired many responses. Read on for another:
DEAR ABBY: One need not go back to Abe Lincoln or Albert Einstein to find someone who succeeded despite adversity. One need only go to the family next door, or perhaps one down the street.
There are millions of us who were born into abject poverty during the Depression, who lived on bread and potatoes, whose parents couldn't afford to send us to the dentist, who never owned a suit until we were adults, who attended a one-room country grade school with no electricity or indoor plumbing, but who still managed to learn a skill or work and complete our education. Now we live in the 'burbs and have sent our kids through college.
I've been there and done that. And it can still be done. All it takes is hard work, perseverance, and forgoing instant gratification. You have to figure out where you are going and how you are going to get there -- and stop whining and using the excuse that you are a victim. -- CALVIN S. HOLM, THIENSVILLE, WIS.
DEAR MR. HOLM: No discourtesy intended -- but you said a mouthful, Cal!
CONFIDENTIAL TO BROKE MOM'S HEART IN BATON ROUGE: Don't be so sure your mother won't forgive you. Honore de Balzac wisely said, "The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always discover forgiveness." Apologize, and explain that you have learned your lesson.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Kids Who Exceed Expectations Are Not Too Good to Be True
DEAR ABBY: "Melissa in Sacramento" wrote that an 11-year-old was not articulate enough to have written the letter you published about his happiness as an adopted son of two fathers.
Her letter was an insult to the many children who are capable of achieving beyond the low expectations of many adults.
When my 15-year-old son was 11, his vocabulary, reading, writing and analytical skills tested out at college sophomore levels. This past school year, he took several college courses and aced them all. My son is no genius, but we care enough about his education to put it first.
None of our children fail to keep up with their homework. We read to them every night until they were at least 12 years old. We still insist that they read every day. We limit television to three hours a week, while providing them with access to bookstores and libraries.
If more parents insisted on high standards in the schools and by teachers, and maintained those same standards at home, more children would be as articulate as that 11-year-old boy. -- PENNY IN VIRGINIA
DEAR PENNY: I agree that some students far exceed the norm, as your children do. And the ones who do have parents who are actively involved in their schooling, which reinforces the importance of education.
"Melissa in Sacramento's" letter stimulated some strong responses from people who took exception. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter signed "Melissa in Sacramento," I was furious. Perhaps in Sacramento an 11-year-old student could not have written as well as the boy who expressed his happiness at being the adopted son of two fathers. However, my 11-year-old sister is capable of writing such a letter, as are many other children of that age whom I know.
I also was taken aback that Melissa called the boy's letter "whiny." If any letter was whiny, it was hers!
I applaud any two loving parents, heterosexual or homosexual, who teach their child the loving, caring, open-minded values this world needs to survive. Melissa could learn a lesson or two from "Happily Adopted in Orlando, Fla." and his parents.
I wonder if Melissa is struggling with her own homophobia. Her letter appeared to reflect the anti-gay movement sweeping our country. I hope she has not taught those hurtful, narrow-minded, prejudiced values to the fifth- and sixth-grade students with whom she works. -- STRAIGHT BUT NOT NARROW IN COLORADO
DEAR STRAIGHT: So do I. When we finally learn to accept diversity and be less judgmental when dealing with others, ours will be a much more unified country.
DEAR ABBY: You have undoubtedly received many letters about the 11-year-old boy who was adopted by a gay man and is now living with two dads.
Well, here's one more:
Five years ago I adopted an 8-year-old special-needs child after the system had given up on him. The caseworkers considered him unadoptable, but I fell in love with him in the first five minutes and I've never faltered in my commitment to him. When I told him I wanted to adopt him, he was the happiest kid I'd ever seen. He had believed he would never have a family. When I told him I was gay, he said it didn't matter to him -- as long as I was nice.
Since then, my son has become a bright, affectionate 13-year-old, and I take a great deal of pride and joy in watching him grow toward manhood. Our adoption was finalized 2 1/2 years ago and all our relatives showed up to make it a very special day. We know how precious family is.
There are many older children and special-needs children in the system who will never be adopted due to a critical shortage of qualified adoptive parents. In the past 10 years, there have been more than 100,000 adoptions by qualified gay men and lesbians. Each and every one of these adoptions is an opportunity for a child to have a loving family. We should applaud these parents for the difference they make. I know. -- LUCKY FATHER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LUCKY FATHER: May I lead the applause? You have said it very well, and your dedication is praiseworthy. All good wishes to you and to your son.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)