CONFIDENTIAL TO BROKE MOM'S HEART IN BATON ROUGE: Don't be so sure your mother won't forgive you. Honore de Balzac wisely said, "The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always discover forgiveness." Apologize, and explain that you have learned your lesson.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl who read your column about "Winning Against the Odds." I was surprised to see the names of only five women included, so I decided to add to your list of names.
You once printed a list of African Americans who were born into a society filled with heavy prejudice. Well, that same prejudice was once practiced against women. Women who wanted careers or the same rights as men were shunned. I offer a list of 10 more women who overcame various hardships:
-- Rejected by medical schools in London because of her gender, Elizabeth Garrett Anderson became the first female member of the British Medical Association.
-- Born into poverty was author Louisa May Alcott.
-- Struck with Marfan's syndrome was Flo Hyman, who won a silver medal in Olympic volleyball. She is the namesake of the Flo Hyman Award.
-- Orphaned at age 10 was former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt.
-- Raised as a slave was evangelist and reformer Sojourner Truth.
-- Ridiculed, shunned and arrested for standing up for their beliefs were suffragettes Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton.
-- Orphaned at 13 was Oksana Baiul, Olympic figure skating champion.
-- Denied admission to most medical schools and blind in one eye was Elizabeth Blackwell, the first woman in the United States to earn a medical degree.
-- Incapacitated for a decade as a result of a spinal injury and a lung ailment was Elizabeth Barrett Browning, poet and feminist. -- ALISON IN FLORIDA
DEAR ALISON: My column titled "Winning Against the Odds" inspired many responses. Read on for another:
DEAR ABBY: One need not go back to Abe Lincoln or Albert Einstein to find someone who succeeded despite adversity. One need only go to the family next door, or perhaps one down the street.
There are millions of us who were born into abject poverty during the Depression, who lived on bread and potatoes, whose parents couldn't afford to send us to the dentist, who never owned a suit until we were adults, who attended a one-room country grade school with no electricity or indoor plumbing, but who still managed to learn a skill or work and complete our education. Now we live in the 'burbs and have sent our kids through college.
I've been there and done that. And it can still be done. All it takes is hard work, perseverance, and forgoing instant gratification. You have to figure out where you are going and how you are going to get there -- and stop whining and using the excuse that you are a victim. -- CALVIN S. HOLM, THIENSVILLE, WIS.
DEAR MR. HOLM: No discourtesy intended -- but you said a mouthful, Cal!
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Kids Who Exceed Expectations Are Not Too Good to Be True
DEAR ABBY: "Melissa in Sacramento" wrote that an 11-year-old was not articulate enough to have written the letter you published about his happiness as an adopted son of two fathers.
Her letter was an insult to the many children who are capable of achieving beyond the low expectations of many adults.
When my 15-year-old son was 11, his vocabulary, reading, writing and analytical skills tested out at college sophomore levels. This past school year, he took several college courses and aced them all. My son is no genius, but we care enough about his education to put it first.
None of our children fail to keep up with their homework. We read to them every night until they were at least 12 years old. We still insist that they read every day. We limit television to three hours a week, while providing them with access to bookstores and libraries.
If more parents insisted on high standards in the schools and by teachers, and maintained those same standards at home, more children would be as articulate as that 11-year-old boy. -- PENNY IN VIRGINIA
DEAR PENNY: I agree that some students far exceed the norm, as your children do. And the ones who do have parents who are actively involved in their schooling, which reinforces the importance of education.
"Melissa in Sacramento's" letter stimulated some strong responses from people who took exception. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter signed "Melissa in Sacramento," I was furious. Perhaps in Sacramento an 11-year-old student could not have written as well as the boy who expressed his happiness at being the adopted son of two fathers. However, my 11-year-old sister is capable of writing such a letter, as are many other children of that age whom I know.
I also was taken aback that Melissa called the boy's letter "whiny." If any letter was whiny, it was hers!
I applaud any two loving parents, heterosexual or homosexual, who teach their child the loving, caring, open-minded values this world needs to survive. Melissa could learn a lesson or two from "Happily Adopted in Orlando, Fla." and his parents.
I wonder if Melissa is struggling with her own homophobia. Her letter appeared to reflect the anti-gay movement sweeping our country. I hope she has not taught those hurtful, narrow-minded, prejudiced values to the fifth- and sixth-grade students with whom she works. -- STRAIGHT BUT NOT NARROW IN COLORADO
DEAR STRAIGHT: So do I. When we finally learn to accept diversity and be less judgmental when dealing with others, ours will be a much more unified country.
DEAR ABBY: You have undoubtedly received many letters about the 11-year-old boy who was adopted by a gay man and is now living with two dads.
Well, here's one more:
Five years ago I adopted an 8-year-old special-needs child after the system had given up on him. The caseworkers considered him unadoptable, but I fell in love with him in the first five minutes and I've never faltered in my commitment to him. When I told him I wanted to adopt him, he was the happiest kid I'd ever seen. He had believed he would never have a family. When I told him I was gay, he said it didn't matter to him -- as long as I was nice.
Since then, my son has become a bright, affectionate 13-year-old, and I take a great deal of pride and joy in watching him grow toward manhood. Our adoption was finalized 2 1/2 years ago and all our relatives showed up to make it a very special day. We know how precious family is.
There are many older children and special-needs children in the system who will never be adopted due to a critical shortage of qualified adoptive parents. In the past 10 years, there have been more than 100,000 adoptions by qualified gay men and lesbians. Each and every one of these adoptions is an opportunity for a child to have a loving family. We should applaud these parents for the difference they make. I know. -- LUCKY FATHER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LUCKY FATHER: May I lead the applause? You have said it very well, and your dedication is praiseworthy. All good wishes to you and to your son.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Cancer Survivor Urges Women to Perform Monthly Self Exam
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter in your column from Sens. Barbara Mikulski and K.B. Hutchison. As a 40-year-old woman whose 2.7-centimeter tumor was not detected by a mammogram, I wholeheartedly agree with the Mammography Quality Standards Act. However, when I read about mammography being our most powerful weapon in the war against breast cancer, I get angry.
The senators incorrectly stated that early detection is the key to prevention -- and I worry that some women may rely too heavily on this weapon. Mammography does NOT prevent breast cancer, and only increases a woman's survival rate if the cancer is detected early. I support legislation that ensures quality standards for the only tool we have available, but hope in the future more emphasis will be placed on prevention, and finding a diagnostic tool that really does detect breast cancer early in younger women.
While the various agencies decide who should and should not get mammograms and at what age, I urge all women to do a BSE (breast self-exam) each month. Get to know your breasts, and if you feel something unusual, have it biopsied -- do not depend on mammograms alone. -- A SURVIVOR IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR SURVIVOR: Excellent advice that I hope all women will take to heart. Survival is literally in our own hands.
DEAR ABBY: I've had it with early birds who imply there's something wrong with people who don't bound out of bed at the crack of dawn.
I am a night owl and my body clock refuses to allow me to go to bed early. If I try, I lie awake for hours. I naturally fall asleep between 4 and 5 a.m. I was once fired from a job on suspicion of alcoholism because every morning I staggered in late and bleary-eyed. Since my brain didn't start to function until noon, they were sure I had a hangover.
I worked as many hours as everyone else at another job, but I was denied a promotion because, "although your work is excellent, you don't have the drive to get to the office by 7 a.m." Maybe not. But my boss didn't have "the drive" to stay at work until 10 p.m., as I frequently did. If you aren't an early bird just like everyone else, you'll never make big money. If you aren't at the office early, you're "not motivated."
I am motivated to work hard, but I work better after noon. I'd be a lot more productive if I were allowed to work with my natural body rhythms rather than against them.
I'm sure I'm not the only night owl who fights a daily battle against the early birds who run the business world. At this point, I'm looking forward to retirement when I can sleep without being ridiculed because I go to sleep late and wake up naturally in mid-morning. I can't wait to get on my own schedule and enjoy life instead of blundering through in a sleepy stupor. -- SLEEPLESS, BUT NOT IN SEATTLE
DEAR SLEEPLESS: According to Dr. Quentin Regestein, director of psychiatry at the Sleep Clinic at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston, your atypical sleep pattern is "delayed sleep phase syndrome." Contrary to what some people might think, it is not insomnia. The timing of your sleep is the problem, and it's possible that your condition can be relieved, even without drugs.
The business world has become slightly more flexible regarding work hours, but companies cannot accommodate each employee individually. Some workers with atypical sleep patterns find jobs that allow them to work at home or at night. Since you are experiencing difficulty in the work place because you are out of sync with everyone else, you would be wise to seek treatment. Look in the yellow pages or call a local hospital to find a sleep disorder clinic in your area.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)