For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN ALL TIED UP IN KNOTS MUST CUT HERSELF SOME SLACK
DEAR ABBY: I have huge expectations for myself, but I never achieve my goals. For example, I want to be a straight-A student, but even though I study and study, I still get B's.
I want to be beautiful. I eat right, I work out, I get enough sleep, but I've never been able to lose the extra 10 pounds I carry.
Plus, I look in the mirror, and all I see is disorder. I want to be happy and surrounded by friends and family. In reality, every time I start to get close to a man, I get scared and ruin it. And if I spend more than an hour with my parents, I'm climbing the walls.
In short, how do I change so I can finally accept myself as I am, and begin enjoying life? -- FRUSTRATED PERFECTIONIST IN OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR PERFECTIONIST: You're already on the right track because you realize your unhappiness comes from the tint on the lenses through which you view your situation. Counseling is the answer. Once you get to the root of why you have such high expectations for yourself that nothing you achieve is meaningful, you'll be able to forgive yourself, and get on with your life.
DEAR ABBY: Ms. Barrett in Aurora, Colo., wanted to encourage parents to buckle their children in car seats. Perhaps my experience will impress parents with the importance of this safety measure.
My friend Suzie and I decided to take our sons to her father's home to swim in his pool. Suzie had two sons (ages 3 and 1) and I have one. I always insisted that the children buckle up in my car, and they never gave me a problem with it. I told them that they could either buckle up or walk along behind the car, and because they thought I would actually make them walk, they buckled up.
Well, the day we were going to take them to Suzie's father's home, my back seat was full of laundry, so we took two cars. I allowed my son to sit in the front seat, but I moved it way back so he wouldn't be too close to the dashboard -- then I buckled him in. Suzie's 3-year-old threw a fit about the safety seat, so she let him ride unbuckled. She followed me, and in my rearview mirror, I could see her son climbing from front to back and back to front.
Suddenly a car turned in front of me and I couldn't stop. I hit it and spun around, coming to a dead stop in the middle of the road. Suzie was so busy yelling at her son, she didn't see what was happening until it was too late. She hit me!
Although my little compact car didn't hold up very well, my son walked away with only a few minor bruises. Sadly, Suzie's 3-year-old didn't fare so well. He was thrown around in the car and critically injured. He died two days later. Every day I think about how easily his death could have been prevented had Suzie forced him to be buckled in his safety seat.
Since that accident, my son insists upon being buckled in. If I forget, he reminds me.
Abby, I want to tell parents that it's a lot easier to tolerate your children's anger when you insist that they are buckled in than to regret for eternity that you didn't. -- SAD FRIEND OF A BROKENHEARTED MOTHER
DEAR SAD FRIEND: Thank you for sharing this tragic story. If it prevents just one person from experiencing that nightmare, it is well worth space in this column.
HUSBAND WHO QUIT DRINKING HAS STOPPED LOVING AS WELL
DEAR ABBY: My husband quit drinking five years ago, and he hasn't made love to me since. The only time he put his arms around me after he quit was when his father died.
I don't think he is having an affair; I think he can't show his feelings unless he's had a drink. I sleep in another bedroom because he snores and reads the paper in bed, but he could come to my bed for sex if he wanted to.
I suggested counseling once, but he said I was the one who needed help. Now it seems I'm only attractive to him when he's had a drink or two.
Abby, I need to be held, and made to feel like a woman once in a while. Life is too short to live like this, but I still love him. What can I do to get him to be affectionate again? -- FEELING UNLOVED IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.
DEAR FEELING UNLOVED: There is little you can do, unless your husband admits there's a problem that needs to be resolved.
If he is content with the marriage and is unwilling to seek counseling with you, go without him. The kind of rejection you describe can be devastating to one's self-esteem. With professional help you will be able to rebuild it -- and also decide what you want to do about this marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to your answer to "Catfused in Canada." Unless you have cats, you have no right to tell the reader to "keep the cats in a separate room with food and water." As every cat lover knows, people don't own cats -- cats own people!
Since visitors know that their friend has cats, if they are allergic to them, or dislike them, they should not come to visit.
I have two wonderfully spoiled "children" of my own, and I choose not to have some people over -- and some choose not to come on their own -- because they know how freely my cats are allowed to roam the house. They are exclusively indoor cats, so to confine them to one room, even if only temporarily, is not right.
Cats are family members, just as people are. Abby, what would you have told "Catfused" if he or she had a child that the neighbors didn't like? Keep the child in a separate room with food and water?
Be careful how you respond to cat lovers. -- CAT LOVER IN GEORGIA
DEAR GEORGIA CAT LOVER: Since that letter appeared in my column, the fur has been flying from cat lovers nationwide. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to the advice you gave "Catfused in Canada." The reader asked what to do with his/her three declawed cats when her neighbor visited and asked her to remove the cats from the room. You told the hostess she should put her cats in another room with food and water.
In my opinion, "Catfused" should leave the cats where they are. The neighbor should respect the fact that the cats live there, and the hostess should tell her the cats are free to roam as they please because it's their home. If the neighbor doesn't agree, she can call instead of dropping over. -- A CAT LOVER IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR CAT LOVER: I doubt that a few minutes in another room would traumatize "Catfused's" pets. It's common courtesy to make a guest comfortable in your home. Denying pets free run of the house occasionally for a short time is not, in my opinion, too great a sacrifice to make in the interest of hospitality.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: The problem my husband and I face is probably not unique, but we desperately need some advice. His 16-year-old daughter is very loving and affectionate, but she's also easily led; consequently she's being taken advantage of by her so-called boyfriends.
"Stacy" visits us on weekends, so we have no control over her behavior during the week when the problems occur. She has been boy-crazy for a couple of years now, but I was shocked at what I read in an open notebook she left on her bed. Daddy's seemingly innocent little girl is not innocent at all. The notebook is a journal in which she has written her feelings and experiences -- in shockingly vulgar language. According to the diary, she has had many sexual encounters with three boys.
When I revealed what I had read to her father, he was devastated. We have had talks with Stacy about sex, but apparently to no avail. We fear that if we confront her, she'll stop spending weekends with us.
Her father and I know that her mother must be told what's going on, but Stacy is sure to feel betrayed when we spill the beans. Also, we fear the potential consequences Stacy will face from her mother.
To further complicate the problem, my husband would rather eat glass than talk to Stacy's mother because of her temper and inability to set aside her personal feelings to focus on what's best for this child.
Abby, how do we advise her mother with the least possible risk to our relationship with Stacy? -- NO NAME OR CITY, PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME OR CITY: Calm yourselves. What you read in Stacy's diary may not necessarily be true. Teen-age girls have been known to engage in creative writing in filling the pages of their diaries.
You and her father need to discuss this with her, and determine how sexually experienced she is. Begin by saying, "You left your diary open on your bed, and we have reason to believe you have become sexually active. No one was trying to pry. What shall we tell your mother?"
If Stacy is sexually active, she needs birth control. And repeat what she needs to know about sexually transmitted diseases and how to protect herself from them.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter signed "Caregiver in La Canada," I had to write. "Caregiver" stated that she has family members in nursing homes across the country and is "unable to visit them as I'd like, although they are always in my thoughts and prayers. I would be horrified to discover that a nursing home staff member had given the name of one of my relatives to a stranger."
Well, Abby, I worked in a nursing home for years and saw firsthand how much it meant to residents to have a "real-live" visitor. I have also just completed chemotherapy treatments and have felt firsthand appreciation for real-live visitors and personal letters of caring.
While thoughts and prayers are wonderful, nothing says "I love you" like a hug! -- LINDA IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR LINDA: You're right on the money. Nothing teaches like personal experience. I wish you continued success in your recovery.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)