To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: The problem my husband and I face is probably not unique, but we desperately need some advice. His 16-year-old daughter is very loving and affectionate, but she's also easily led; consequently she's being taken advantage of by her so-called boyfriends.
"Stacy" visits us on weekends, so we have no control over her behavior during the week when the problems occur. She has been boy-crazy for a couple of years now, but I was shocked at what I read in an open notebook she left on her bed. Daddy's seemingly innocent little girl is not innocent at all. The notebook is a journal in which she has written her feelings and experiences -- in shockingly vulgar language. According to the diary, she has had many sexual encounters with three boys.
When I revealed what I had read to her father, he was devastated. We have had talks with Stacy about sex, but apparently to no avail. We fear that if we confront her, she'll stop spending weekends with us.
Her father and I know that her mother must be told what's going on, but Stacy is sure to feel betrayed when we spill the beans. Also, we fear the potential consequences Stacy will face from her mother.
To further complicate the problem, my husband would rather eat glass than talk to Stacy's mother because of her temper and inability to set aside her personal feelings to focus on what's best for this child.
Abby, how do we advise her mother with the least possible risk to our relationship with Stacy? -- NO NAME OR CITY, PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME OR CITY: Calm yourselves. What you read in Stacy's diary may not necessarily be true. Teen-age girls have been known to engage in creative writing in filling the pages of their diaries.
You and her father need to discuss this with her, and determine how sexually experienced she is. Begin by saying, "You left your diary open on your bed, and we have reason to believe you have become sexually active. No one was trying to pry. What shall we tell your mother?"
If Stacy is sexually active, she needs birth control. And repeat what she needs to know about sexually transmitted diseases and how to protect herself from them.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter signed "Caregiver in La Canada," I had to write. "Caregiver" stated that she has family members in nursing homes across the country and is "unable to visit them as I'd like, although they are always in my thoughts and prayers. I would be horrified to discover that a nursing home staff member had given the name of one of my relatives to a stranger."
Well, Abby, I worked in a nursing home for years and saw firsthand how much it meant to residents to have a "real-live" visitor. I have also just completed chemotherapy treatments and have felt firsthand appreciation for real-live visitors and personal letters of caring.
While thoughts and prayers are wonderful, nothing says "I love you" like a hug! -- LINDA IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR LINDA: You're right on the money. Nothing teaches like personal experience. I wish you continued success in your recovery.
CAREER WOMAN HAPPILY MAKES A HOME FOR LIVE-IN BOYFRIEND
DEAR ABBY: I don't know how you feel about response letters to response letters. Nonetheless, the letter I read today from "Happy With a '90s Home Life," chastising your printing the letter from "Old-Fashioned and Proud of It," evoked a fiery response from me.
I am a 29-year-old woman with a college education, a professional career and a boyfriend I live with. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than knowing when he walks through the door, he has a meal, a neat home, and does not need to worry if his clothes are clean.
I consider myself fortunate to have good looks, brains, and to have retained the values of "making a home" my mother taught me, which I will be proud to teach the daughter I may someday have. I consider myself blessed to have a great guy, and I am showing him just that every day through my quite natural efforts. I know he loves me and I do not expect him to prove it by putting the pillow under my feet as I put them up. Any woman who aspires to shirking domestic duties she should be proud to accomplish can be summed up in one word: LAZY.
It is not a matter of women "serving" or men needing "survival skills." Relationships are about wanting to take care of your partner and making each day easier for him. Relationships are meant to be about "us."
Too many partners in relationships these days ask the question, "What can you do for me?" as opposed to, "How can I help you?" There is something wrong with this lack of selflessness, and quite possibly people have forgotten the definition of "true love." If two people really care for each other, there should be no thought of tit-for-tat. Acts performed from the heart all equal out in the end. -- HAPPY TO BE RON'S GIRL, 1997
DEAR HAPPY: I'm sorry you didn't allow me to use your name, but perhaps it's for the best. Ron might be killed in the stampede of contemporary feminists trying to do you in -- and men climbing over HIM to get to YOU.
DEAR ABBY: I am 70-plus and have just lost my wife. We had a very good marriage. I want to continue living an active life and begin dating when it is appropriate. How long should one wait to start dating, and how long should one wait to marry again? -- WIDOWER IN FLORIDA
DEAR WIDOWER: Grief is such a personal emotion that no one can presume to make rules that will apply to everyone.
A widow or widower may begin dating whenever he or she feels like it; the decision is yours. When you tie the knot again is up to you -- and the lucky lady who will accompany you down the aisle.
DEAR ABBY: My condolences to "Janis in Capistrano Beach, Calif.," who bragged that she wore makeup and a tight T-shirt to "lure the salesclerks" so her husband could get help. She apparently is blissfully unaware that she has been insulted.
It probably takes 100 well-groomed, hard-working professional women to offset the influence of each "Janis."
Women will never have respect, equal opportunity and equal pay until they learn to value themselves for their abilities and their contributions to society rather than the size of their bra cups.
You may print my letter if you wish, including my name and state. -- LEOLA FARMER, TULSA, OKLA.
DEAR MS. FARMER: I agree. And hasten the day when "... and blessed be they whose cup runneth over" refers only to good fortune.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Prisoners' Pen Pals Get Letters Filled With Fraud
DEAR ABBY: I work for the Department of Corrections in Arizona, and I have seen a practice started by many well-meaning ministers who encourage their congregations to write to prisoners. I understand their intentions are good, but they are unaware of how dangerous this could be to their parishioners.
One teen-age girl started writing to an inmate. He told her he was 23 and in on drug charges. A suspicious adult called our information center and was told that he was 48 and a child molester! He was also coming up for parole.
Another lady started writing a prisoner. He told her what she wanted to hear, so when he came up for early release she offered him a place to stay. (Convicts need a place to live for any type of early release.) He immediately started selling drugs from her house, stole several thousand dollars from her, and her house was even raided.
These men are cons. They have the time to devote much attention to the person they are writing to. They can and will tell people what they want to hear, and someone who is lonely and has a good heart can be deeply hurt.
Please, Abby, warn your readers not to engage in this practice. I'm signing my name -- but please do not print it. -- CONCERNED IN ARIZONA
DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for the graphic warning. I hope that those individuals who need it will heed your message.
I don't believe that anyone who has ever spent time in prison is beyond rehabilitation. However, those who are considering correspondence would be well advised to proceed with caution. Well-intentioned people tend to accept without skepticism information that seems to parallel their hopes and beliefs. Felons are often skilled manipulators who bring their skills to prison with them -- and have many years to sharpen them.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the man who wrote to say that his wife verbally abused their child. You must tell him to stand up to that woman and insist that it stop, or he is taking the child and leaving her. If she were beating or sexually abusing the boy, that is what he would say. Verbal abuse is all the more dangerous because people let it happen.
The man said that he had received counseling to deal with his wife's verbal abuse. Well, that counseling has not worked if he is still afraid to stand up to her. Abuse happens because people are afraid to do what is necessary to put an end to it.
I would bet this man had angry parents, and that's why he has a deep fear of doing what it takes to stop his wife's abusive behavior. -- MELINDA STENGEL, LICENSED CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER, EVANSTON, ILL.
DEAR MS. STENGEL: And I'm willing to bet you're correct. However, there's no excuse for permitting the abuse to continue or to put off getting whatever help is necessary to end it.
DEAR ABBY: "I'll bet you don't remember me, do you?" I dread hearing that question, and I'm sure other schoolteachers do, too.
After 34 years (so far) in the classroom, I simply can't remember the names of all my former students. Answering "No" diminishes the initial joy we both should feel in recalling that relationship.
This deflating situation could be avoided if one would say, "I'm John Smith. Do you remember me?"
Any advice on how to handle this awkward but all-too-common predicament? -- LONGTIME SCHOOLTEACHER
DEAR LONGTIME TEACHER: The answer to your question is one that could apply to anyone who is asked this embarrassing question. Simply say, "Your face is very familiar, but I'm sorry, your name escapes me. What is it?"
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)