Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
CAREER WOMAN HAPPILY MAKES A HOME FOR LIVE-IN BOYFRIEND
DEAR ABBY: I don't know how you feel about response letters to response letters. Nonetheless, the letter I read today from "Happy With a '90s Home Life," chastising your printing the letter from "Old-Fashioned and Proud of It," evoked a fiery response from me.
I am a 29-year-old woman with a college education, a professional career and a boyfriend I live with. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than knowing when he walks through the door, he has a meal, a neat home, and does not need to worry if his clothes are clean.
I consider myself fortunate to have good looks, brains, and to have retained the values of "making a home" my mother taught me, which I will be proud to teach the daughter I may someday have. I consider myself blessed to have a great guy, and I am showing him just that every day through my quite natural efforts. I know he loves me and I do not expect him to prove it by putting the pillow under my feet as I put them up. Any woman who aspires to shirking domestic duties she should be proud to accomplish can be summed up in one word: LAZY.
It is not a matter of women "serving" or men needing "survival skills." Relationships are about wanting to take care of your partner and making each day easier for him. Relationships are meant to be about "us."
Too many partners in relationships these days ask the question, "What can you do for me?" as opposed to, "How can I help you?" There is something wrong with this lack of selflessness, and quite possibly people have forgotten the definition of "true love." If two people really care for each other, there should be no thought of tit-for-tat. Acts performed from the heart all equal out in the end. -- HAPPY TO BE RON'S GIRL, 1997
DEAR HAPPY: I'm sorry you didn't allow me to use your name, but perhaps it's for the best. Ron might be killed in the stampede of contemporary feminists trying to do you in -- and men climbing over HIM to get to YOU.
DEAR ABBY: I am 70-plus and have just lost my wife. We had a very good marriage. I want to continue living an active life and begin dating when it is appropriate. How long should one wait to start dating, and how long should one wait to marry again? -- WIDOWER IN FLORIDA
DEAR WIDOWER: Grief is such a personal emotion that no one can presume to make rules that will apply to everyone.
A widow or widower may begin dating whenever he or she feels like it; the decision is yours. When you tie the knot again is up to you -- and the lucky lady who will accompany you down the aisle.
DEAR ABBY: My condolences to "Janis in Capistrano Beach, Calif.," who bragged that she wore makeup and a tight T-shirt to "lure the salesclerks" so her husband could get help. She apparently is blissfully unaware that she has been insulted.
It probably takes 100 well-groomed, hard-working professional women to offset the influence of each "Janis."
Women will never have respect, equal opportunity and equal pay until they learn to value themselves for their abilities and their contributions to society rather than the size of their bra cups.
You may print my letter if you wish, including my name and state. -- LEOLA FARMER, TULSA, OKLA.
DEAR MS. FARMER: I agree. And hasten the day when "... and blessed be they whose cup runneth over" refers only to good fortune.
Prisoners' Pen Pals Get Letters Filled With Fraud
DEAR ABBY: I work for the Department of Corrections in Arizona, and I have seen a practice started by many well-meaning ministers who encourage their congregations to write to prisoners. I understand their intentions are good, but they are unaware of how dangerous this could be to their parishioners.
One teen-age girl started writing to an inmate. He told her he was 23 and in on drug charges. A suspicious adult called our information center and was told that he was 48 and a child molester! He was also coming up for parole.
Another lady started writing a prisoner. He told her what she wanted to hear, so when he came up for early release she offered him a place to stay. (Convicts need a place to live for any type of early release.) He immediately started selling drugs from her house, stole several thousand dollars from her, and her house was even raided.
These men are cons. They have the time to devote much attention to the person they are writing to. They can and will tell people what they want to hear, and someone who is lonely and has a good heart can be deeply hurt.
Please, Abby, warn your readers not to engage in this practice. I'm signing my name -- but please do not print it. -- CONCERNED IN ARIZONA
DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for the graphic warning. I hope that those individuals who need it will heed your message.
I don't believe that anyone who has ever spent time in prison is beyond rehabilitation. However, those who are considering correspondence would be well advised to proceed with caution. Well-intentioned people tend to accept without skepticism information that seems to parallel their hopes and beliefs. Felons are often skilled manipulators who bring their skills to prison with them -- and have many years to sharpen them.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the man who wrote to say that his wife verbally abused their child. You must tell him to stand up to that woman and insist that it stop, or he is taking the child and leaving her. If she were beating or sexually abusing the boy, that is what he would say. Verbal abuse is all the more dangerous because people let it happen.
The man said that he had received counseling to deal with his wife's verbal abuse. Well, that counseling has not worked if he is still afraid to stand up to her. Abuse happens because people are afraid to do what is necessary to put an end to it.
I would bet this man had angry parents, and that's why he has a deep fear of doing what it takes to stop his wife's abusive behavior. -- MELINDA STENGEL, LICENSED CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER, EVANSTON, ILL.
DEAR MS. STENGEL: And I'm willing to bet you're correct. However, there's no excuse for permitting the abuse to continue or to put off getting whatever help is necessary to end it.
DEAR ABBY: "I'll bet you don't remember me, do you?" I dread hearing that question, and I'm sure other schoolteachers do, too.
After 34 years (so far) in the classroom, I simply can't remember the names of all my former students. Answering "No" diminishes the initial joy we both should feel in recalling that relationship.
This deflating situation could be avoided if one would say, "I'm John Smith. Do you remember me?"
Any advice on how to handle this awkward but all-too-common predicament? -- LONGTIME SCHOOLTEACHER
DEAR LONGTIME TEACHER: The answer to your question is one that could apply to anyone who is asked this embarrassing question. Simply say, "Your face is very familiar, but I'm sorry, your name escapes me. What is it?"
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
AIDS STILL TAKING ITS TOLL ON THE YOUNG AND RECKLESS
DEAR ABBY: Three weeks ago, I laid my beautiful 21-year-old daughter to rest. The cause of death: AIDS. A parent could not have wished for a more loving, talented and motivated child. In the recklessness of youth, she engaged in unprotected sex. By the time she was diagnosed, she had been HIV-positive for at least four years and already had full-blown AIDS. By then she had met a young man with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life, and although they always used a condom, he, too, became infected.
Never did I think that AIDS would touch my family. You cannot imagine the toll this has taken on our entire family. She had three younger siblings, the youngest being 11 years old. Our heartbreak and sorrow have been overwhelming. I have seen the hopes, dreams and brilliant future of one of the true joys of my life destroyed. Seeing her gradually waste away to a mere shadow of the vivacious, outgoing young woman she once was, is the saddest thing I have ever experienced. She fought so hard to live; she suffered terribly in the last few months of her life.
Her death was so unnecessary, but now it must have meaning. No one can be too careful in this day and age. Each of us takes risks every day. Many of us do not pay any consequences for our risk-taking, while some pay a very high price for their actions.
Please print this letter in the hope that others may be spared her fate. This message is so important: Sex just isn't worth dying for! -- CATHERINE MENZIES, FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.
DEAR CATHERINE: I offer my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your beloved daughter.
Condoms, when used properly, can significantly reduce the risk of contracting most sexually transmitted diseases, but they are not 100 percent effective. Even though there are exciting new developments in AIDS treatment, your letter -- and thousands of others that could be written -- clearly demonstrates the epidemic is far from over.
More than 30,000 people in the United States become infected with HIV every year. This letter should serve as a wake-up call.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please publish this letter? It's about my wife. She talks too much.
My job requires me to bring work home. Our house needs a lot of attention, too. When I try to work, my wife is always there with a steady stream of questions or trivial conversation. When I sit down to read, I read in minute-and-a-half blocks of time because I know she will interrupt me. Even when she isn't in the room, I can hear her talking, yelling or complaining in a tone that can't be ignored. I suppose I should feel grateful that she wants to talk to me. But Abby, the truth is, I need my peace and quiet.
I have tried to discuss this with her, but it only upsets her. When I talk, she usually interrupts. What's ironic is that a woman she works with has the same habit -- and my wife complains about HER. This may seem funny, but my job is slipping and our house looks like heck. -- NO PEACE IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR NO PEACE: It doesn't sound funny to me. Your wife is a compulsive talker. Since she ignores your needs and becomes defensive when you try to discuss it with her, the situation can only degenerate. Couples counseling might help you get the message across.
Until then, consider a work area where you can concentrate -- preferably a room with a lock on the door.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)