For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Prisoners' Pen Pals Get Letters Filled With Fraud
DEAR ABBY: I work for the Department of Corrections in Arizona, and I have seen a practice started by many well-meaning ministers who encourage their congregations to write to prisoners. I understand their intentions are good, but they are unaware of how dangerous this could be to their parishioners.
One teen-age girl started writing to an inmate. He told her he was 23 and in on drug charges. A suspicious adult called our information center and was told that he was 48 and a child molester! He was also coming up for parole.
Another lady started writing a prisoner. He told her what she wanted to hear, so when he came up for early release she offered him a place to stay. (Convicts need a place to live for any type of early release.) He immediately started selling drugs from her house, stole several thousand dollars from her, and her house was even raided.
These men are cons. They have the time to devote much attention to the person they are writing to. They can and will tell people what they want to hear, and someone who is lonely and has a good heart can be deeply hurt.
Please, Abby, warn your readers not to engage in this practice. I'm signing my name -- but please do not print it. -- CONCERNED IN ARIZONA
DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for the graphic warning. I hope that those individuals who need it will heed your message.
I don't believe that anyone who has ever spent time in prison is beyond rehabilitation. However, those who are considering correspondence would be well advised to proceed with caution. Well-intentioned people tend to accept without skepticism information that seems to parallel their hopes and beliefs. Felons are often skilled manipulators who bring their skills to prison with them -- and have many years to sharpen them.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the man who wrote to say that his wife verbally abused their child. You must tell him to stand up to that woman and insist that it stop, or he is taking the child and leaving her. If she were beating or sexually abusing the boy, that is what he would say. Verbal abuse is all the more dangerous because people let it happen.
The man said that he had received counseling to deal with his wife's verbal abuse. Well, that counseling has not worked if he is still afraid to stand up to her. Abuse happens because people are afraid to do what is necessary to put an end to it.
I would bet this man had angry parents, and that's why he has a deep fear of doing what it takes to stop his wife's abusive behavior. -- MELINDA STENGEL, LICENSED CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER, EVANSTON, ILL.
DEAR MS. STENGEL: And I'm willing to bet you're correct. However, there's no excuse for permitting the abuse to continue or to put off getting whatever help is necessary to end it.
DEAR ABBY: "I'll bet you don't remember me, do you?" I dread hearing that question, and I'm sure other schoolteachers do, too.
After 34 years (so far) in the classroom, I simply can't remember the names of all my former students. Answering "No" diminishes the initial joy we both should feel in recalling that relationship.
This deflating situation could be avoided if one would say, "I'm John Smith. Do you remember me?"
Any advice on how to handle this awkward but all-too-common predicament? -- LONGTIME SCHOOLTEACHER
DEAR LONGTIME TEACHER: The answer to your question is one that could apply to anyone who is asked this embarrassing question. Simply say, "Your face is very familiar, but I'm sorry, your name escapes me. What is it?"
AIDS STILL TAKING ITS TOLL ON THE YOUNG AND RECKLESS
DEAR ABBY: Three weeks ago, I laid my beautiful 21-year-old daughter to rest. The cause of death: AIDS. A parent could not have wished for a more loving, talented and motivated child. In the recklessness of youth, she engaged in unprotected sex. By the time she was diagnosed, she had been HIV-positive for at least four years and already had full-blown AIDS. By then she had met a young man with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life, and although they always used a condom, he, too, became infected.
Never did I think that AIDS would touch my family. You cannot imagine the toll this has taken on our entire family. She had three younger siblings, the youngest being 11 years old. Our heartbreak and sorrow have been overwhelming. I have seen the hopes, dreams and brilliant future of one of the true joys of my life destroyed. Seeing her gradually waste away to a mere shadow of the vivacious, outgoing young woman she once was, is the saddest thing I have ever experienced. She fought so hard to live; she suffered terribly in the last few months of her life.
Her death was so unnecessary, but now it must have meaning. No one can be too careful in this day and age. Each of us takes risks every day. Many of us do not pay any consequences for our risk-taking, while some pay a very high price for their actions.
Please print this letter in the hope that others may be spared her fate. This message is so important: Sex just isn't worth dying for! -- CATHERINE MENZIES, FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.
DEAR CATHERINE: I offer my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your beloved daughter.
Condoms, when used properly, can significantly reduce the risk of contracting most sexually transmitted diseases, but they are not 100 percent effective. Even though there are exciting new developments in AIDS treatment, your letter -- and thousands of others that could be written -- clearly demonstrates the epidemic is far from over.
More than 30,000 people in the United States become infected with HIV every year. This letter should serve as a wake-up call.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please publish this letter? It's about my wife. She talks too much.
My job requires me to bring work home. Our house needs a lot of attention, too. When I try to work, my wife is always there with a steady stream of questions or trivial conversation. When I sit down to read, I read in minute-and-a-half blocks of time because I know she will interrupt me. Even when she isn't in the room, I can hear her talking, yelling or complaining in a tone that can't be ignored. I suppose I should feel grateful that she wants to talk to me. But Abby, the truth is, I need my peace and quiet.
I have tried to discuss this with her, but it only upsets her. When I talk, she usually interrupts. What's ironic is that a woman she works with has the same habit -- and my wife complains about HER. This may seem funny, but my job is slipping and our house looks like heck. -- NO PEACE IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR NO PEACE: It doesn't sound funny to me. Your wife is a compulsive talker. Since she ignores your needs and becomes defensive when you try to discuss it with her, the situation can only degenerate. Couples counseling might help you get the message across.
Until then, consider a work area where you can concentrate -- preferably a room with a lock on the door.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GRANDFATHER LONGS TO KNOW GRANDSON HE'S NEVER MET
DEAR ABBY: I am the grandfather of a 2-year-old boy named Alexander. People tell me he is the spitting image of his father, my son. The child is big for his age and has a quick smile and eyes that sparkle with curiosity. I love my grandson more than he will ever know. Hardly a day goes by that he is not in my thoughts.
My heart aches because Alexander and I have never met. My son and Alexander's mother (both college graduates) became estranged shortly after the baby's birth, and his mother married someone else. Because my son gave up his parental rights, I lost my grandparental rights as well.
When the lawyers were sending letters back and forth, I hoped the outcome would allow me to become a grandfather. The day the judge made his decision, I was overcome with sorrow.
I find myself wondering how my grandson's language skills are developing, or how far he can throw a ball. It was mostly the lawyers who decided that Alexander and I wouldn't have a relationship. I was never asked how I felt about all of this, and they didn't ask my grandson either. If he were old enough to read this letter, I would want him to know that this separation wasn't my idea. -- A GRANDPA WITH A BROKEN HEART
DEAR GRANDPA: Yours is only one of the many heartbreaking letters I have received from grandparents who have been separated from their grandchildren for reasons beyond their control. Often in custody battles and adoptions, little consideration is given to the bonds between children and their grandparents.
In most states, it is possible for grandparents to petition for visitation with their grandchildren if parental rights have been surrendered and/or there has been a stepparent adoption. Before grandparents can petition for visitation, paternity must be established. A family lawyer can tell you if your state is one that allows grandparents to petition.
For more information on this and other grandparent/child issues, contact Grandparents United for Children's Rights Inc. This nonprofit organization is committed to pursuing recognition of the natural bond that exists between grandparents and grandchildren. Write to them at 137 Larkin St., Madison, Wis. 53705, or send e-mail to: sedun@inexpress.net.
DEAR ABBY: A friend wanted to come with her daughter and three teen-aged grandchildren to spend some time with me after Christmas. My home had just been redecorated, and I told her honestly that I was not set up to accommodate five guests. She laughed and said the teen-agers could camp out in the living room -- a room with brand-new off-white carpet.
I told her I was not comfortable with this arrangement. She became outraged, and in an extremely nasty way terminated our 20-year friendship.
Was I wrong to feel so protective of my new furniture and carpeting? And how can I put into perspective such an unpleasant rejection? -- GRIEVING IN HERMOSA BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR GRIEVING: Although you value the 20-year friendship, it obviously meant more to you than it did to your "friend." You had every right to decline the role of hostess to her, her daughter and the three teens. For her to have asked was an imposition.
Don't dwell on it. Putting it in a positive light, her "rejection" frees you to devote more time to someone who is a genuine friend.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)