For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN WONDERS IF AGE GAP CAN BE BRIDGED WITH LOVE
DEAR ABBY: Five months ago I met a man who changed my life. He is a college student, has his own business and a part-time job. He's very mature and has a good head on his shoulders. His goals in life are realistic, and he knows that it takes work to achieve them.
Two months ago our relationship progressed to another level, and we have been together every night since. Each day is better than the day before. Neither of us uses the word "love" to describe our relationship, nor do we say it to each other.
Abby, we have so much in common, but we can't overlook the fact that I am 32 and he is 21. I fear this fairy-tale relationship will end because of the age difference. Although he tells me I am everything he has ever wanted in a woman, I'm afraid he'll want a younger woman later on.
Is it possible for a relationship like this to last? -- OLDER BUT NOT WISER IN TEXAS
DEAR OLDER: You have known each other only five months, and you say that neither of you has mentioned the word "love." Although he's only 21, he's wise enough to know that if he says, "I love you," it would probably lead to a commitment he is not ready to assume.
You ask if it's possible for this relationship to last. I have no crystal ball, but if you're seeing each other exclusively six months from now and he still hasn't used the word "love," I'd advise you not to plan your future around him.
DEAR ABBY: We enjoy taking vacations with our married son and his family; it gives us quality time with them, especially the grandchildren.
However, I don't know if I can continue because their idea of a vacation is to do absolutely nothing. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing and baby sitting. By the end of the week, I am worn out. The same thing happens when they come to our home. I would prefer to spend my time with the grandchildren. What would you suggest I do? -- TIRED MOM IN GEORGIA
DEAR TIRED MOM: Your predicament may be of your own making, because you pitch right in and get things organized without asking for help. Confer with the other adults in your family and lay down ground rules for your vacations. Parcel out duties, even to the children. Trade off on the cooking and cleaning chores, and baby-sit when it is convenient for YOU. At the start of the vacation, post a list of chores in the kitchen, and rotate the duties every few days so no one is overburdened.
You might enjoy this poem for vacationers:
OUR PLACE AT THE LAKE
by Sylvia L.K. Bundy
June is past, so is July,
August is ended -- likewise I.
The pattering feet of summer and sun
Are over, complete, exhausted, done!
I've fed the young as well as the old,
I've cooled the warm, I've warmed the cold.
The wounded and weeping I have consoled,
The tender and touchy I have cajoled.
I have steeled the scared, I have scared the bold,
I have bit my tongue till it was controlled.
I've broiled the steak, I have casseroled,
And the grocer thinks I am made of gold.
(The other bills I have pigeon-holed.)
And frankly, friends, I am ready to fold!
Next time I live I'll make the most
Of being the guest, not the host.
Open Wallet at Cash Register May Give Too Much Away
DEAR ABBY: I own a very busy neighborhood retail newsstand/convenience store. We serve a few hundred customers a day -- more men than women, for some reason. While our male customers generally dig into their pockets for bills or coins when paying, women usually bring out their wallets and open them to get cash. This is a dangerous practice.
When women open their wallets and reveal credit cards and the driver's license in the window pocket, I get a good look at personal information -- as do customers standing beside or behind them. It may take only a few seconds to get money out of the wallet, but it takes me less time to read their names and addresses.
It may seem like a reasonable place to keep your license in order to find it quickly should an officer ask for it, but most officers ask that the license be removed from the wallet anyway. I have made my family and friends aware of the danger, and have moved my wife's license to a safer location in her wallet.
I am reluctant to point out this danger to my customers because they may feel "funny" about my noticing. However, I worry that someone who is unstable or dangerous may obtain names and addresses -- and then who knows what will happen?
I propose that women put a favorite photo in the display window of their wallets -- or better yet, a photo of a very large male. That sends a safer message. -- RICH FROM LUCKY STOP, NORTH BABYLON, N.Y.
DEAR RICH: Great idea. And if the woman has no husband, boyfriend, son, uncle or male friend, a picture of a German shepherd with teeth exposed should suffice. Or perhaps women should carry a small coin purse with a few dollars in it and leave the wallets safely out of sight in their purses.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the letter from Marva Boehm Mason concerning adopted children. I agree with her 100 percent. When you're adopted, you know you were wanted. I often hear people refer to children as "adopted." It's an unnecessary label.
Some birth children wish they had the love and attention that some adopted children get. Mrs. Mason's parents were kind and loving, and let her know that she was special.
Some natural-born children find out that they were "accidents" -- that their parents weren't ready for them. They are constantly reminded that they are an intrusion into their parents' lives.
Television and print media are guilty of using the term "adopted," referring to a certain actor's children as "so-and-so's ADOPTED children." They are his or her children, period! It is cruel for society to create distinctions between children. It is because of labels like these that adoptees go in search of their "real" parents, instead of realizing that the people who loved them, fed them, nurtured them and made them productive members of society are their "real" parents.
The individuals who gave them up are the ones who lose. For whatever reason, they were denied the pleasure of seeing a delightful child grow into a fine adult.
May God bless all those who open their hearts to adopt babies and give them a loving home. -- MARILYN BOZEMAN, CHICAGO
DEAR MARILYN: And God bless those mothers who placed their babies for adoption in order to give them a better home than they (the birth mothers) could provide.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Human Touch Helps to Heal Lonely Residents in Home
DEAR ABBY: I just read your answer to the director of a nursing home in Oklahoma who wrote about a woman whose mother had died in a nursing home. Rather than place flowers on her mother's grave, the daughter took them to a nearby nursing home and left them with a friendly note for a resident who had never had a visitor.
That certainly struck home with me. I've seen the same act of kindness many times, and can't tell you how much these small gestures mean to lonely elders who have outlived family and friends. The average age of nursing home residents is 85. It affirms their worthiness and restores an important connection to the larger community.
But I would also like to plead, in this case, that the woman actually meet the resident and give her the flowers in person. She needn't say much -- just a quick hello, a brief introduction, a warm handclasp would do. Human touch is healing. It's encouraging. It's life-affirming.
I don't mean to belittle her anonymous act. That's a wonderful step, and if that's all she's able to do she has done more than most people would. I would just encourage her to take the next step. It would make all the difference in the world to that nursing home resident, who would be forever grateful. She might even make a great new friend -- someone, perhaps, like her mother. -- BRENT H. NETTLE, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, SAN FRANCISCO MINISTRY TO NURSING HOMES
DEAR MR. NETTLE: Thank you for your sweet letter. I, too, thought the idea of providing flowers to a nursing home resident on Mother's Day was touching and generous. But not all my readers would agree with the wisdom of revealing the residents' identities. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Anonymous in Oklahoma," who suggested that readers send flowers or gifts to those at nursing facilities rather than leaving flowers at a grave:
While this gesture would surely be appreciated, I would question the judgment of any nursing facility that would reveal the name of a patient, especially a patient without a family, i.e., heirs. While I believe that the woman who contacted "Anonymous in Oklahoma" was honest, not everyone is. A nursing home should, under no circumstances, disclose the names of its residents.
This reader obviously had her heart in the right place. However, in light of the often dishonest world we live in, where most scams target the elderly, it's much safer to suggest that readers send flowers to the nursing home and ask that they be delivered at the facility's discretion to a resident in need.
I have family members in nursing homes across the country and am unable to visit them as often as I would like, although they are always in my thoughts and prayers. I would be horrified to discover that a nursing home staff member had given the name of one of my relatives to a stranger.
While we should all perpetuate random acts of kindness, it is also important for caregivers and care facilities to respect and protect the privacy of their patients. -- CAREGIVER IN LA CANADA, CALIF.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)