Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TEEN AGAINST MOM'S REMARRIAGE TO FIRST MAN WHO CAME ALONG
DEAR ABBY: I am 17 years old and live with my grandmother because my mother and I don't get along.
My problem started two years ago when my father passed away. After only six months, my mother started dating "Allen." I thought it was too soon. Mom is very pretty. I know she can't live alone forever, but I don't think she had to grab the first man who came along. I wasn't sure how Allen would treat us, so I thought it would be better for me to move away. Now that I have met him and see the way he treats both my mother and my brother, I have no problem with him. Every time I go visit them I have a great time.
But now they are talking about getting married. I'm not sure of the date, but I think it's getting close. After my father died, Mom said she would remain a "Smith" (not our real last name) for the rest of her life. Now she's talking about marrying and changing her name!
I don't see why they have to get married. I think it will change their relationship for the worse. I told her that when they do get married, I won't be there. Maybe I shouldn't be that way, but that's the way I feel.
What should I do? Should I accept the fact that they may get married and be happy, or what? I'm confused. -- AFRAID MOM WILL MARRY
DEAR AFRAID: It is not surprising you are confused; however, rather than run from the problem, try to work through it with your mother.
It may seem that she is being disloyal to the memory of your father, but it is more likely that she has been lonely since his death, is worried about you and your brother, and wants a stable home life again.
Since you like Allen and the way he gets along with your mother and brother, there is a good chance you will be able to get along with him too. Remember, no one is trying to replace your father. Your family deserves another chance at happiness, and Allen may be instrumental in helping you all find it.
DEAR ABBY: A reader recently asked why we don't have classes in schools to teach kids patience, kindness, manners, not to litter, etc.
Psychologists say that children's personality traits, their ability to get along with others, their perception of right and wrong, their sense of humor, values and morals are formed by age 4. Children are a reflection of their home environment and parental training. Schools should reinforce what the children have already learned.
It's time parents realize that they are the most important "teachers" in their children's lives. Don't blame the schools. We're doing the best we can. -- OLD-FASHIONED TEACHER IN OVERLAND PARK, KAN.
DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: You have stated it very well; however, not all children are fortunate enough to have parents who can teach them these vital lessons. The most enduring education comes from parents and teachers working together. To quote first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, "It takes a village to raise a child."
DEAR ABBY: "Mel" and I married two years ago. He was 67 and retired, a widower after 30-plus years of marriage, with two children and four grandchildren. I'm 54, stopped working when I married him, have three children and one grandchild. Mel and I now live in the same house he lived in with his wife.
Before the wedding I asked Mel if we were going to move. I made it clear that I didn't want to stay in his house. He promised we would move. Bottom line: It's been two years and now he says we're not moving. He's happy in this house, comfortable, etc. I once suggested that he let me change things around the house a little. His response: "What for? Everything is in its place. Besides, we're moving anyway."
What shall I do? He does not see things the way I do because he is not hurting emotionally. I have become very frustrated because even if we talk it out the whole day, he'll conveniently "forget" and not do anything about it. Abby, I'm not getting any younger and if I need to get a job, I should try to get one right now.
One other thing: He thinks money is everything. But I have proven to him that money is not everything to me by signing a prenuptial agreement wherein I get nothing. However, he always says he will provide for me when he's gone, that I will not go hungry, etc. How can I believe him when he cannot even make good on his word regarding moving? -- UNHAPPY IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIF.
DEAR UNHAPPY: I am unable to determine from your letter if your husband is "forgetting" because he is selfish or whether it could be the beginning of senile dementia. But I urge you to protect yourself. By all means, find a job. You may need the income. Also, consult an attorney to find out how your husband will provide for you, should anything happen to him, in the aftermath of that prenuptial agreement you signed. I, too, wonder how you can believe his promise to take care of you, since he refuses to follow through about moving.
DEAR ABBY: I thought the letter from Ruth A. Davis of the U.S. State Department regarding consular officers at embassies abroad was both interesting and informative.
Several years ago, my husband and I were in Italy with another couple when our trunk was broken into. Everything was taken -- including my friend's purse containing her and her husband's passports.
Needless to say, it caused us untold problems. We had to change our travel plans to include a visit to the U.S. consulate in Milan. Fortunately, the hotel we had stayed at the prior evening had recorded our passport numbers so we were able to call and obtain the much-needed information. Only then could the embassy quickly issue new passports.
We learned a valuable lesson that you might like to pass on to your readers, Abby. Make a copy of your passport before you leave home and carry it with you while abroad, separate from your original passport. -- INFORMED TRAVELER, ATLANTA
DEAR INFORMED TRAVELER: Thank you for a helpful reminder. Another worthwhile safety measure: Record the numbers of your traveler's checks and keep them separate from the checks, in case of theft.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Frightened Teens Can Easily Choose the Adoption Option
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to you out of sheer frustration. I have just read another account of a young woman, apparently unable to deal with the prospect of parenthood, doing away with her newborn child.
As an adoption attorney, I work with many couples who are desperate to adopt. If the young parents had any idea how easy it would be for them to arrange an adoption, and how many people would thank God for a chance to parent a child, perhaps they would not take the drastic step of abandoning, or killing and disposing of a newborn.
I know in many cases they are ashamed and frightened, and want no one to know of their pregnancy. Please tell them that the consequences of murdering their newborn child are far more frightening and shameful than acknowledging their pregnancy and placing the child for adoption could ever be.
They can call any adoption agency or adoption attorney, and they will be treated with respect and sensitivity. There is no obligation and no cost. (Look under Adoption Services in the Yellow Pages.) If young women would do this, they would answer a family's prayers and assure themselves and their babies a better future. Abandonment is not the answer. Neither is murder. Adoption is.
Thank you for the opportunity to say this. You may use my name. -- LINDA E.F. LACH, ATTORNEY AT LAW, LIHUE, HAWAII
DEAR LINDA: It is hard to imagine that in the 1990s, a young woman could find herself pregnant, and be so uninformed and fearful of her parents that she would choose not to confide in the people who are supposed to protect and guide her. However, in some families the girls feel they cannot let their parents down by admitting they were sexually active. In other families, the relationship between parents and child is so dysfunctional the girl's fears are real.
I am printing your excellent letter in the hope that every young woman will read it. Although they may never need the information, perhaps they'll have a friend who will, and it will help to save innocent lives.
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman who carried an unruly 3-year-old child (kicking and screaming) out of a store, and no one tried to stop her to find out if the child was her own, or if perhaps someone was trying to abduct the child.
Abby, parents should keep a family picture (mom, dad and children) in their purse or wallet as proof of parentage. -- MYRNA FELDMANN, DELANSON, N.Y.
DEAR MYRNA: Thank you for an excellent suggestion. Readers, make a note of this. It's good insurance.
DEAR ABBY: I laughed out loud at your response to "Wondering," whose husband had an affair three years before, but following surgery that left him impotent, he was very attentive to her. You were right on the money when you answered her question about why he had turned over a new leaf with, "Probably because there's not much left under the old one."
"Wondering" needs to wake up to the fact that her husband would still be cheating if he hadn't had the surgery. Now that his fun is over, he's staying closer to home.
My dog stopped jumping the fence after I got him neutered, but I sure wouldn't want to be married to him. -- STILL LAUGHING IN SAN DIEGO
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)