Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FAMILY FRACTURE IS ONE RESULT WHEN KISSING COUSINS SPLIT
DEAR ABBY: After reading your column on first cousins marrying, I thought I'd better let you know the downside: when it doesn't work out.
I was also involved with a "kissing cousin" many years ago, and there are consequences one doesn't think of until it's too late.
To start with, you fight to get the other family members to accept that you're involved with each other. Then, when it goes sour and you can't stand to be around each other, who do you turn to?
From experience I can tell you: No one! You suffer in silence because everyone told you it would not work out and you wouldn't listen. I can tell you, it's easier to break off a relationship with an outsider than with a relative. It's 100 times harder when it's family. You cause divisions and pain when you get together, and it's worse when you split. There's more pain than you could ever imagine for both those involved and the families.
You are expected to attend family functions and pretend it never happened, to be polite and try to be civil to each other even though you're dying inside and, wish as you may, you can never go back to "before."
Please advise anyone contemplating a relationship with a relative. Think long and hard before you leap. Your paths will cross again and again, and your life will never be the same! Been there, done that and regretting it ... SOMEWHERE IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR SOMEWHERE: That's sage advice. Most of the questions I receive regarding marriage among cousins reflect concerns about the genetic aspects of such a union -- not the emotional price that's paid in the event of a failure.
DEAR ABBY: My wife is past menopause and she could go the rest of her life without sex. I like to kiss good morning, good night, goodbye, hello and other times just because it's nice. She doesn't.
Neither does she like to be touched -- during the day or at night. I have tried everything I can think of. I finally got her to talk to her doctor. He recommended hormones.
She refused to take them because they might give her cancer and restart her periods. I talked to her doctor about the risk of cancer. He said it was so remote he didn't consider it.
She maintains this is normal for women past 60. I can't believe she is right, but have no data to refute it. I have tried to get her to go to counseling, but she refuses because she thinks it would be embarrassing.
Is this normal? What do you suggest for a solution? Please don't use my name. -- LOOKING FOR LOVE IN DALLAS
DEAR LOOKING: No, it is not normal. Your wife's problem seems to be her attitude. She has stated what she won't do; ask her what she is willing to do, and plan your life accordingly.
DEAR ABBY: Whenever I get into a discussion with someone who has never raised kids, I summarize what it's like being a parent in one sentence:
"You spend the first 12 years of their lives worried to death that someone may harm them; you spend the next six wanting to kill them yourself." -- TURNING GRAY IN CHANDLER, ARIZ.
Lax Parental Discipline Turns Tot Into Tiny Terror
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Heather," has two children -- a boy and a girl. The oldest, "Mark," is 4, and he is a problem.
Mark has never been disciplined and makes me very uncomfortable when I visit with my friend. He always gets into my purse, no matter where I put it. If I put it up high, he will climb to get it. His mother sits back and does nothing. On more than one occasion when I spoke up and told him not to look in my purse, Mark kicked me, and it's not unusual for him to call me names. His mother never opens her mouth when he does this.
Recently, Heather told Mark to go take his nap, but he kept coming out of his room again and again. Finally, Heather told him that if he didn't stay in his room and go to sleep, he could not go to the market with her later. He paid no attention to her -- and you guessed it, he was allowed to go shopping with his mother anyway. This child wears the pants in this family.
Abby, I fear that Mark will grow up with no respect for his parents or anyone else. He is already a bully and a bad influence on his younger sister, but I could never tell his parents it's their fault Mark does not behave. And soon, their daughter will follow his example and behave just as badly as Mark does.
I feel terrible that I don't want this child in my home, but it's like entertaining a miniature monster.
I don't want to lose Heather's friendship, but she and her husband need better parenting skills. Abby, how can I get this message across to her without alienating her? -- MIFFED AT MARK'S MOM
DEAR MIFFED: Mark wants attention, and he knows how to get it. Tell Heather that she has to discipline her son firmly now, or the boy could be in serious trouble later. Also, find out where and when parenting classes are available and offer her the list. Many colleges, hospitals and YMCAs offer them.
You will be doing your friend a favor, and if she's a real friend, she will thank you.
DEAR ABBY: I have been living with "Matt" for three years. He left his wife and two kids because the responsibility gave him no time to himself.
The problem is his ex-wife keeps after him to do things with his kids like he used to. His "kids" are 9 and 16 -- old enough to not need a lot of attention, don't you think? He loves them, but he doesn't have the time to see them on weekends, holidays or during the summer.
We lead a busy life. He just can't keep up with two families. If he spends time with my kids and his kids, that leaves no time for himself or for us.
He pays child support faithfully each month, but no one sees that as being a good father. What kind of response can we give people who ask why he never sees his kids or has them over? -- ALMOST NUMBER TWO
DEAR ALMOST: Don't try to defend the indefensible. Although Matt's child support payments are commendable, it takes far more than money to be a good father. His children need time with their dad, and it's not something that can be postponed because it's inconvenient.
Children's values are shaped by the example set by the adults in their lives. Their self-esteem rests on a foundation of knowing they are important to both parents -- regardless of whether or not they live under one roof.
I hope Matt will reconsider his attitude and reorganize his priorities.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Direct Approach Is Best Bet for Teaching Neighbor's Kids
DEAR ABBY: I think you missed the boat with "Not Everyone's Mom." In today's world, it does take a village to raise a child, and if "Not Everyone's Mom" doesn't feel up to it, she should opt out.
Rather than bronzing a plaque of rules for parents, "Mom" should deal directly with the children.
1. Don't want kids for hours on end or as dinner/holiday guests? Send 'em home! Children are not psychic. Most aren't sensitive enough to get subtle hints like, "Time to wash up and set the table."
2. Encourage them to help you garden. There is nothing like a sense of ownership to foster pride.
3. Take time to teach. There's nothing wrong with house rules like, "At our house we don't call names," or, "Here we use 'please' and 'thank you.'" Set limits for acceptable behavior. It may take many repetitions to get results. Be patient, but firm.
I have given up my lawn and most of my garden for now. The few short years of childhood are worth more than a few blades of grass. I'm enjoying the sounds of basketball and Rollerblades, water fights and kids selling lemonade. I can grow plants any time, but my kids are young for only a short while. -- ANN ARBOR MOM
DEAR MOM: Many readers wrote offering different approaches to problems with neighborhood children. Read on for one of my favorites:
DEAR ABBY: This is the answer to "Not Everyone's Mom," the mother who set rules for parents of neighborhood children.
Four years ago, a couple with two little girls, ages 3 and 4, moved in next door. Spring was approaching and I could hardly wait until my hybrid tulips bloomed. When the blossoms appeared, they were just beautiful!
I stood admiring them one morning, then left on an errand. When I returned one hour later, someone had picked all the petals off the tulips. The guilty parties left a trail of petals leading to their house.
I knocked on the door and spoke to the mother of the two girls. I pointed out that I wasn't angry, just upset. I asked her not to punish the children, but to explain to them that they were my flowers and they shouldn't pick them without asking me first.
Four years have gone by, and I have not lost another petal. Every year each girl is allowed to choose one flower in my garden that she wants, then I pick them -- and one for their mother, too. In return, my wife and I have two of the most beautiful little friends one could ask for. -- THOMAS GROTHE, LAKELAND, MINN.
DEAR THOMAS: How diplomatic! You deserve a bouquet of tulips for neighborly dispute resolution.
CONFIDENTIAL TO GRUDGE-HOLDER'S SISTER: I suspect your sister subscribes to W.C. Fields' philosophy on anger: "I never hold a grudge ... as soon as I get even with the S.O.B., I forget it."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)