To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Lax Parental Discipline Turns Tot Into Tiny Terror
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Heather," has two children -- a boy and a girl. The oldest, "Mark," is 4, and he is a problem.
Mark has never been disciplined and makes me very uncomfortable when I visit with my friend. He always gets into my purse, no matter where I put it. If I put it up high, he will climb to get it. His mother sits back and does nothing. On more than one occasion when I spoke up and told him not to look in my purse, Mark kicked me, and it's not unusual for him to call me names. His mother never opens her mouth when he does this.
Recently, Heather told Mark to go take his nap, but he kept coming out of his room again and again. Finally, Heather told him that if he didn't stay in his room and go to sleep, he could not go to the market with her later. He paid no attention to her -- and you guessed it, he was allowed to go shopping with his mother anyway. This child wears the pants in this family.
Abby, I fear that Mark will grow up with no respect for his parents or anyone else. He is already a bully and a bad influence on his younger sister, but I could never tell his parents it's their fault Mark does not behave. And soon, their daughter will follow his example and behave just as badly as Mark does.
I feel terrible that I don't want this child in my home, but it's like entertaining a miniature monster.
I don't want to lose Heather's friendship, but she and her husband need better parenting skills. Abby, how can I get this message across to her without alienating her? -- MIFFED AT MARK'S MOM
DEAR MIFFED: Mark wants attention, and he knows how to get it. Tell Heather that she has to discipline her son firmly now, or the boy could be in serious trouble later. Also, find out where and when parenting classes are available and offer her the list. Many colleges, hospitals and YMCAs offer them.
You will be doing your friend a favor, and if she's a real friend, she will thank you.
DEAR ABBY: I have been living with "Matt" for three years. He left his wife and two kids because the responsibility gave him no time to himself.
The problem is his ex-wife keeps after him to do things with his kids like he used to. His "kids" are 9 and 16 -- old enough to not need a lot of attention, don't you think? He loves them, but he doesn't have the time to see them on weekends, holidays or during the summer.
We lead a busy life. He just can't keep up with two families. If he spends time with my kids and his kids, that leaves no time for himself or for us.
He pays child support faithfully each month, but no one sees that as being a good father. What kind of response can we give people who ask why he never sees his kids or has them over? -- ALMOST NUMBER TWO
DEAR ALMOST: Don't try to defend the indefensible. Although Matt's child support payments are commendable, it takes far more than money to be a good father. His children need time with their dad, and it's not something that can be postponed because it's inconvenient.
Children's values are shaped by the example set by the adults in their lives. Their self-esteem rests on a foundation of knowing they are important to both parents -- regardless of whether or not they live under one roof.
I hope Matt will reconsider his attitude and reorganize his priorities.
Direct Approach Is Best Bet for Teaching Neighbor's Kids
DEAR ABBY: I think you missed the boat with "Not Everyone's Mom." In today's world, it does take a village to raise a child, and if "Not Everyone's Mom" doesn't feel up to it, she should opt out.
Rather than bronzing a plaque of rules for parents, "Mom" should deal directly with the children.
1. Don't want kids for hours on end or as dinner/holiday guests? Send 'em home! Children are not psychic. Most aren't sensitive enough to get subtle hints like, "Time to wash up and set the table."
2. Encourage them to help you garden. There is nothing like a sense of ownership to foster pride.
3. Take time to teach. There's nothing wrong with house rules like, "At our house we don't call names," or, "Here we use 'please' and 'thank you.'" Set limits for acceptable behavior. It may take many repetitions to get results. Be patient, but firm.
I have given up my lawn and most of my garden for now. The few short years of childhood are worth more than a few blades of grass. I'm enjoying the sounds of basketball and Rollerblades, water fights and kids selling lemonade. I can grow plants any time, but my kids are young for only a short while. -- ANN ARBOR MOM
DEAR MOM: Many readers wrote offering different approaches to problems with neighborhood children. Read on for one of my favorites:
DEAR ABBY: This is the answer to "Not Everyone's Mom," the mother who set rules for parents of neighborhood children.
Four years ago, a couple with two little girls, ages 3 and 4, moved in next door. Spring was approaching and I could hardly wait until my hybrid tulips bloomed. When the blossoms appeared, they were just beautiful!
I stood admiring them one morning, then left on an errand. When I returned one hour later, someone had picked all the petals off the tulips. The guilty parties left a trail of petals leading to their house.
I knocked on the door and spoke to the mother of the two girls. I pointed out that I wasn't angry, just upset. I asked her not to punish the children, but to explain to them that they were my flowers and they shouldn't pick them without asking me first.
Four years have gone by, and I have not lost another petal. Every year each girl is allowed to choose one flower in my garden that she wants, then I pick them -- and one for their mother, too. In return, my wife and I have two of the most beautiful little friends one could ask for. -- THOMAS GROTHE, LAKELAND, MINN.
DEAR THOMAS: How diplomatic! You deserve a bouquet of tulips for neighborly dispute resolution.
CONFIDENTIAL TO GRUDGE-HOLDER'S SISTER: I suspect your sister subscribes to W.C. Fields' philosophy on anger: "I never hold a grudge ... as soon as I get even with the S.O.B., I forget it."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Hairdresser's Heavy Hints Are Enough to Curl Customer's Hair
DEAR ABBY: My hairdresser (whom I have patronized for 14 years) recently started a conversation about tipping. It began with his telling me how much his previous customer had tipped him. It was a very large amount. Then he started talking about how cheap some people are and how little they tip. He said he wouldn't put himself out for people who don't tip him appropriately.
The conversation left me feeling uncomfortable and I ended up tipping him more than I would usually tip, which, of course, made me angry.
Abby, do you think this was an appropriate conversation for a hairdresser to have with a client? I would also be interested in hearing what your readers think is an appropriate amount to tip. Please don't use my name or location. Thank you for your help. -- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: According to Letitia Baldrige's "The New Manners for the '90s" (Rawson Associates, N.Y.):
"At an expensive, posh place, you would tip:
"20 percent of the total bill to your hairdresser if you're having a cut or color or perm; 15 percent of the total bill if you are just having a wash and set or a wash and blow-dry.
"$2 to the shampoo person.
"$2 minimum or 15 percent of the cost of the manicure to the manicurist.
"At a modest establishment, you would tip:
"10 percent of the bill to the hairdresser.
"$1 to the shampoo person (if your hairdresser and shampoo person are one and the same, $1 more for the shampoo).
"$1 to $2 to the manicurist."
For a hairdresser to tell a client how much (or little) the previous customer tipped is inexcusable -- and also stupid. If you like him, give him this "tip" from me: NEVER discuss how much (or little) other clients tip.
DEAR ABBY: Have you considered a book of the many "How We Met" stories your readers have sent you?
I particularly love how Cupid arranges for people to get together! I have clipped items whenever you have printed them -- they are uplifting, each with an element of unsuspected chance.
If you already have such a book, please let me know. I would love to buy it. -- KAREN DREW, RUSSELLVILLE, ALA.
DEAR KAREN: I do not have such a book, and at this time I haven't the time to compile one. However, your idea is a good one, and one which I'm sure would make several interesting columns. So, Dear Readers, if you met your mate in an unusual way, please let me know.
DEAR ABBY: You published a letter last winter that keeps popping up in my mind. It was signed "His Wife." The writer was complaining that her good-looking, well-educated, clean, "good daddy," wonderful husband wanted to help around the house -- but what he did wasn't up to her standards.
Please ask her to send him to me. I'll trade him for my good-looking, well-educated, clean, sometimes "good daddy," who is also a mean, bad-tempered, abusive, name-calling, complaining and usually absent husband. I promise he will never get in her way or do things wrong, because he'll never lift a finger to do anything in the house.
I will love and appreciate her husband, the dingy clothes he washes, the undercooked/overcooked meals he prepares, and most of all, his presence. -- EAGER TO SWITCH IN OHIO
DEAR EAGER: I'm willing to wager that when "His Wife" sees your letter, she'll hang on to the husband she has. Yours sounds like a doozy.
(Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.)