What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Direct Approach Is Best Bet for Teaching Neighbor's Kids
DEAR ABBY: I think you missed the boat with "Not Everyone's Mom." In today's world, it does take a village to raise a child, and if "Not Everyone's Mom" doesn't feel up to it, she should opt out.
Rather than bronzing a plaque of rules for parents, "Mom" should deal directly with the children.
1. Don't want kids for hours on end or as dinner/holiday guests? Send 'em home! Children are not psychic. Most aren't sensitive enough to get subtle hints like, "Time to wash up and set the table."
2. Encourage them to help you garden. There is nothing like a sense of ownership to foster pride.
3. Take time to teach. There's nothing wrong with house rules like, "At our house we don't call names," or, "Here we use 'please' and 'thank you.'" Set limits for acceptable behavior. It may take many repetitions to get results. Be patient, but firm.
I have given up my lawn and most of my garden for now. The few short years of childhood are worth more than a few blades of grass. I'm enjoying the sounds of basketball and Rollerblades, water fights and kids selling lemonade. I can grow plants any time, but my kids are young for only a short while. -- ANN ARBOR MOM
DEAR MOM: Many readers wrote offering different approaches to problems with neighborhood children. Read on for one of my favorites:
DEAR ABBY: This is the answer to "Not Everyone's Mom," the mother who set rules for parents of neighborhood children.
Four years ago, a couple with two little girls, ages 3 and 4, moved in next door. Spring was approaching and I could hardly wait until my hybrid tulips bloomed. When the blossoms appeared, they were just beautiful!
I stood admiring them one morning, then left on an errand. When I returned one hour later, someone had picked all the petals off the tulips. The guilty parties left a trail of petals leading to their house.
I knocked on the door and spoke to the mother of the two girls. I pointed out that I wasn't angry, just upset. I asked her not to punish the children, but to explain to them that they were my flowers and they shouldn't pick them without asking me first.
Four years have gone by, and I have not lost another petal. Every year each girl is allowed to choose one flower in my garden that she wants, then I pick them -- and one for their mother, too. In return, my wife and I have two of the most beautiful little friends one could ask for. -- THOMAS GROTHE, LAKELAND, MINN.
DEAR THOMAS: How diplomatic! You deserve a bouquet of tulips for neighborly dispute resolution.
CONFIDENTIAL TO GRUDGE-HOLDER'S SISTER: I suspect your sister subscribes to W.C. Fields' philosophy on anger: "I never hold a grudge ... as soon as I get even with the S.O.B., I forget it."
Hairdresser's Heavy Hints Are Enough to Curl Customer's Hair
DEAR ABBY: My hairdresser (whom I have patronized for 14 years) recently started a conversation about tipping. It began with his telling me how much his previous customer had tipped him. It was a very large amount. Then he started talking about how cheap some people are and how little they tip. He said he wouldn't put himself out for people who don't tip him appropriately.
The conversation left me feeling uncomfortable and I ended up tipping him more than I would usually tip, which, of course, made me angry.
Abby, do you think this was an appropriate conversation for a hairdresser to have with a client? I would also be interested in hearing what your readers think is an appropriate amount to tip. Please don't use my name or location. Thank you for your help. -- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: According to Letitia Baldrige's "The New Manners for the '90s" (Rawson Associates, N.Y.):
"At an expensive, posh place, you would tip:
"20 percent of the total bill to your hairdresser if you're having a cut or color or perm; 15 percent of the total bill if you are just having a wash and set or a wash and blow-dry.
"$2 to the shampoo person.
"$2 minimum or 15 percent of the cost of the manicure to the manicurist.
"At a modest establishment, you would tip:
"10 percent of the bill to the hairdresser.
"$1 to the shampoo person (if your hairdresser and shampoo person are one and the same, $1 more for the shampoo).
"$1 to $2 to the manicurist."
For a hairdresser to tell a client how much (or little) the previous customer tipped is inexcusable -- and also stupid. If you like him, give him this "tip" from me: NEVER discuss how much (or little) other clients tip.
DEAR ABBY: Have you considered a book of the many "How We Met" stories your readers have sent you?
I particularly love how Cupid arranges for people to get together! I have clipped items whenever you have printed them -- they are uplifting, each with an element of unsuspected chance.
If you already have such a book, please let me know. I would love to buy it. -- KAREN DREW, RUSSELLVILLE, ALA.
DEAR KAREN: I do not have such a book, and at this time I haven't the time to compile one. However, your idea is a good one, and one which I'm sure would make several interesting columns. So, Dear Readers, if you met your mate in an unusual way, please let me know.
DEAR ABBY: You published a letter last winter that keeps popping up in my mind. It was signed "His Wife." The writer was complaining that her good-looking, well-educated, clean, "good daddy," wonderful husband wanted to help around the house -- but what he did wasn't up to her standards.
Please ask her to send him to me. I'll trade him for my good-looking, well-educated, clean, sometimes "good daddy," who is also a mean, bad-tempered, abusive, name-calling, complaining and usually absent husband. I promise he will never get in her way or do things wrong, because he'll never lift a finger to do anything in the house.
I will love and appreciate her husband, the dingy clothes he washes, the undercooked/overcooked meals he prepares, and most of all, his presence. -- EAGER TO SWITCH IN OHIO
DEAR EAGER: I'm willing to wager that when "His Wife" sees your letter, she'll hang on to the husband she has. Yours sounds like a doozy.
(Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.)
ANSWERS TO DRINKING QUIZ CAN SIGNAL NEED FOR HELP
DEAR ABBY: Several times I have read in your column a list of danger signals that suggest someone may be addicted to alcohol. I brushed it off the first time I saw it since it "obviously didn't refer to me."
I had a good job, a loving wife, eight children and a nice home. I was a social drinker and never missed work due to drinking. At first my wife occasionally nagged me about my drinking.
As time passed, things began to worsen. Co-workers whom I considered less capable were given the promotions I felt I deserved. My relationship with my wife began to unravel, and she avoided my advances. My kids grew older and their friends came to our home less and less often.
When we had a social gathering, my wife and children would beg me not to drink. My health began to deteriorate. More than once my wife threatened to take the kids and leave. Then I would cut down on my drinking and she'd relent, but soon I was hitting the bottle again.
The next time my wife threatened to leave, I thought to myself, "Go, and be damned! If I can't have a few drinks without your nagging, I'd be better off without you." I didn't say it, but it frightened me that I thought it.
Then I saw the test for alcoholism in your column again. I took it and passed with flying colors. However, my conscience wouldn't let me get away with the lies I told myself when I took the test, so I took it again -- this time honestly. You had said that if you answered yes to four or more questions, you had a drinking problem. I answered yes to seven. I finally had to admit I had a problem.
To make a long story short, I've been sober for 12 years now. It wasn't easy. I had that terrible urge to drink several times a year for a few years, but I was able to resist.
I like myself a lot better sober, and so do my wife and children. Abby, please reprint your test; you might help someone else. -- SOMEONE WHO FINALLY GOT SOME SENSE
DEAR SOMEONE: Congratulations on your sobriety. I'm pleased to print the test again.
Readers, if you are unsure whether or not you have an alcohol problem, take this test:
(1) Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but lasted only a couple of days? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(2) Do you wish people would stop nagging you about your drinking? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(3) Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another hoping that would keep you from getting drunk? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(4) Have you had a drink in the morning during the past year? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(5) Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(6) Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(7) Has your drinking caused trouble at home? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(8) Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you did not get enough to drink? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(9) Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking anytime you want, even though you keep getting drunk? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(10) Have you missed days at work because of drinking? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(11) Do you have "blackouts"? Yes ( ); No ( ).
(12) Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink? Yes ( ); No ( ).
If you answered yes to four or more of these questions, you are in trouble. Run, do not walk to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with one another in order to solve a common problem, and to help others to recover from alcoholism.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for membership. It is self-supporting through voluntary contributions.
Look for AA in your phone book, or write to P.O. Box 459, Grand Central Station, New York, N.Y. 10017, for information.
Good luck and God bless you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)