To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MARRIAGE TALK GETS DOWNSIZED WHEN MAN PURSUES HIS CAREER
DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in college. Last summer I met a wonderful young man. He gave me his phone number, and a week later, we went on our first date. When he asked me out for a second date, I accepted.
In the months that followed, he became the love of my life. We fell in love and I became part of his family. We found everything we had been looking for in each other. He was the first to mention marriage and having a family -- he even talked about where he'd like us to live. He promised nothing would ever come between us.
After all these promises, he just informed me that his career is his No. 1 priority now, and he doesn't have time for me. His change of heart came about abruptly, and I don't know why. I am devastated. I know there are many fish in the sea, but he's the only fish I want.
This breakup is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Every day I pray we'll get back together. Abby, have you any suggestions for mending a broken heart? -- BROKENHEARTED IN WAUSAU, WIS.
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Yes. Don't sit alone and brood. Attend parties, school affairs and develop new interests. One of the most effective therapies for a broken heart is to keep busy! Avoid the "old reminders" that tend to make you moody and broody, such as "your" song.
Get rid of the photographs of you with him -- as well as any souvenirs or gifts he gave you.
Once a relationship is over, all of the note-writing, phoning or conniving will not help your cause. Don't ask a mutual friend to help you "get him back." It will only make you appear foolish.
Chalk this up to experience. There is no growth without some pain. And remember, it only hurts for a little while.
DEAR ABBY: I know your column deals mainly with people's problems, but occasionally I see a humorous item included. Since the computer is thrust on me whether I like it or not, I'm enclosing an original poem that shows how I feel about their "infallibility"!
I hope you get a smile out of it, as I often get a smile out of your column, among the more serious items. -- LORAINE REXFORD, FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.
DEAR LORAINE: The poem is witty, and I'm sure my readers will find it as amusing as I did. Read on:
OWED TWO COMPUTERS
BUY
LORAINE REXFORD
THEE spell check on my computer
Tells WON if a word is an AIR,
I'm SEW glad TWO have this convenience
We FILL BETTOR because it is THEIR.
WEE RING ARE hands when we're worried
ARE spelling may KNOT BEE WRITE,
Webster WOOD TERN INN his grave
TOO NO WEE OUR KNOT SEW bright.
SEAMS the old-fashioned dictionary
Showed AWL the words clear and clean.
SEW what WOOD WEE DUE without it
TWO SEA if words say what WEE mean?
CHILDREN KEPT A SAFE DISTANCE FROM FAMILY OF PARTY ANIMALS
DEAR ABBY: My sister calls me a "party pooper" because I seldom attend our family's social gatherings, of which there are many. If a fly dies, they throw a party.
My family think of themselves as "fun people," but the truth is, they'll use any excuse to drink. This is their choice, but it's not mine.
I don't enjoy Mom and Dad's slurred attempts at conversation during these get-togethers. Nor do I like watching Aunt Millie trip over herself on the dance floor, Uncle Jim telling off-color jokes or his wife laughing like a hyena.
It was bad enough when I had to observe this behavior when I was growing up, but I have drawn the line at having my children witness this disgraceful conduct.
Am I wrong in trying to protect my children from these scenes? -- EMBARRASSED IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR EMBARRASSED: No. Not only are you protecting your children, you are also sparing your relatives from embarrassing themselves in front of the children, with whom they may wish to have a relationship in the future. Should any of them sober up someday, they may thank you.
DEAR ABBY: The letter written by "Been There in Florida," the mother who was concerned that her son might inherit his father's abusiveness, was right on the money. I am a mother who stayed in an abusive marriage "for the sake of the children."
Finally, after 23 years, I left that marriage when I realized that my life was at stake. I left when the children went off to college, and I started over with no financial help from my husband. I was still too emotionally involved to see the damage it had done to the children.
I now realize staying in the abusive marriage did not benefit my children. My son has spent time in prison for his aggressive behavior toward his girlfriend and now must attend anger management counseling for three years. My son and former husband are master manipulators. Both father and son can be charming, and then on a moment's notice and without any provocation turn into angry, aggressive, abusive monsters.
My daughter is afraid she will marry someone like her father. She has no faith in her ability to judge people; she doesn't stand up for herself and tends to minimize abusive behavior. She will do anything to keep the peace. Her low self-esteem is due to the abuse she received from her father and brother while she was growing up.
Living in an abusive marriage is also very lonely. My definition of loneliness is being in the company of someone, yet feeling entirely alone because no intimacy exists.
I have now built a new life, and although it is filled with peace, tranquility, honesty and happiness, I'm sad to say it is without my son and the financial advantages I once had. We make our own quality of life when we leave an abusive situation. Perhaps it's not as comfortable financially, but it's far more gratifying, and definitely more peaceful. -- L.P. IN WRIGHTWOOD, CALIF.
DEAR L.P.: Congratulations on having built a new life. Children benefit from living in an emotionally nourishing environment. It's easy to say that children need a two-parent household in order to become healthy adults; however, evidence has shown that children raised in an environment of tension, conflict and abuse often repeat these behaviors in adulthood, or become withdrawn and depressed and take on the role of victim.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Undercover Girlfriend Tires of Not Being Seen or Heard
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my early 40s, and I have been involved with "Rick" for so many years I have lost count. He has been separated from his wife since before I met him, but he has not divorced her. Rick is at my place all the time except when he sees his son. Neither his son nor any of his family knows about me. His mother died recently, and it hurt not to accompany him to her funeral. But, of course, I couldn't attend because his family would find out he has a girlfriend.
Sometimes Rick has different days off work than I do. I don't know what he does on those days, but I've heard that he sees other women. I know for a fact that he keeps in touch with his former girlfriend.
Rick thinks I am content with the status quo, but I feel my life is one big lie. I'm tired of being nothing more than a convenience; however, I've been with him so long, I don't know how to move on.
Abby, please tell me how to get on with my life -- sans Rick -- without hurting his feelings. Sign me ... TIRED OF THE STATUS QUO
DEAR TIRED: Why should you be concerned about hurting Rick's feelings? He has no qualms about hurting yours by denying your existence to his family and friends. Face the fact that Rick has no intention of making a commitment. If he did, he would be divorced and dating you openly.
Since you are no longer content to be hidden, summon the courage to leave, and give yourself the opportunity to meet a man who will make a commitment to you. You may suffer for a while, but time is a great healer, and when you find your Prince Charming, you will be glad you cut Rick out of your life. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: I am not sure who to consult about an embarrassing habit. I am a 30-year-old male who wants to stop sucking his thumb.
Research at public libraries and bookstores has led nowhere. I seek your advice or referral for where I can obtain self-help literature or professional help for my problem. If there is a charge for your service, please let me know. I remember having read something in your column years ago about adults who suck their thumb. Thanks for your consideration. -- PHIL IN OREGON
DEAR PHIL: There is no charge for my advice. What you need is behavior modification. Try this: Put a rubber band loosely on your wrist. When the urge to suck your thumb strikes, snap the rubber band hard enough to remind you to resist the habit. Soon you will associate the "sting" with the urge to suck your thumb, and because of the discomfort, you will reject the urge.
DEAR ABBY: You recently published a letter from a man whose wife had been buying him panty girdles for the last six years because she couldn't find a support garment for men. I am delighted to tell you that products designed specifically for men do exist.
These "trimmers" are advertised in catalogs such as SelfCare, Dr. Leonard's, The Vermont Country Store, Voice of the Mountains and Walter Drake -- to mention a few.
The problem with men using products designed for women is that there are obvious anatomical differences that are not accommodated in the women's versions. These design differences can lead to major, long-term problems for a gentleman's health and well-being.
How do I know this? I am an engineer who was presented the challenge (by a team of doctors) of building a comfort solution for men's briefs. I am the first woman in the world to hold utility patents on men's underwear. No joke. Three years of development research have made the need for socially embarrassing adjustments a thing of the past.
If your curiosity is piqued, stop by our Web site at www.e2u.com. -- CYNTHIA DUNNING MICHELS, FOUNDER, ERGO INC.
DEAR MS. MICHELS: Congratulations for having the foresight to recognize an expanding market. I wish you continued success.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)