To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TEEN'S DESCENT INTO DRUGS IS TESTAMENT TO ADDICTION
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Mike," the young man who told his friend's parents about their son's drug use, that he did the right thing. May God bless him for it.
When our son was 16, two of his friends told us about his drinking. We tried for three years to get him to stop, but he continued and went on to hard drugs. We were always grateful to those young men, even though we were unsuccessful in getting our son clean. Tell Mike that he did everything he could, and now it's up to the parents to do their part.
I encounter parents all the time who can't accept the fact that their child could be a "user." My son was a functional addict, so getting him to realize his problem became impossible. We kept trying but we failed.
I'm enclosing a letter our son wrote in 1989 to the high school students in our town. In 1990, he was convicted of murder and sentenced to life without possibility of parole. -- JUDITH P. IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR JUDITH P.: Thank you for allowing me to share your son's letter with my readers. I hope his experience will provide a warning to others. Read on:
"My name is Daniel. I celebrated my 20th birthday in the Los Angeles County Jail. I've been here for the past nine months awaiting trial. I have been charged with robbery and murder. If I'm found guilty, I could be sentenced to life without parole, but that's not why I'm writing to you. I'm writing to talk about drug abuse. I'm a recovering addict. Just because I'm in jail doesn't mean I can't get drugs. DRUGS ARE EVERYWHERE.
"I started drinking on weekends with my friends. As my friends started experimenting with drugs, I thought, 'Why not?' I had this attitude, 'It's not going to hurt me. I won't get addicted.' You can't understand the control drugs have over you unless you have an addiction. Now that I'm clean, I see the power that drugs had over my life.
"I read someplace that two out of five people who try drugs become addicted. I think it's much higher than that. When people told me that alcohol and marijuana would lead to harder drugs, I just laughed. I started smoking weed in 10th grade, and in the 11th grade I did everything from sniffing glue to LSD. A few months before graduation, I dropped out of school. I was working and having a good time; that was all that mattered. I never thought about the future. I didn't realize that the decisions I was making in high school would affect the rest of my life.
"If you become addicted you will have a crippled future, if you even have one. You could be one of the lucky ones who get help and never go back. I always said that when I wanted to stop, I'd move out of state and stay with a family in a drug-free environment. But the problem was, I was addicted and didn't want to stop. I knew I had a problem, but I didn't want to face it. The most important thing in my life was getting high.
"My first two weeks in jail I received medicine for withdrawal. Nothing in the world is worth the high. It feels good, but let me tell you I don't feel good now. Many of my friends have told me they wish they could stop. I tell them to get out of the fast lane, get help, and start facing reality before they hit their brick wall. Two of my friends hit their brick wall, and now they are six feet under.
"WHAT YOU DO TODAY AFFECTS ALL YOUR TOMORROWS!"
Confidant Wonders if Secrets Are Best Buried With the Dead
DEAR ABBY: I will soon be meeting with someone who is writing a biography of his late father. I knew the man well (perhaps too well) more than 30 years ago. I was privy to certain indiscretions that I would never reveal, except that now all the principals are dead.
I don't know what my friend would want now. It may be that he would not want me to reveal what I know. Is there a statute of limitations on confidentiality? Does it end with the death of the subjects, or the death of everyone known immediately to them (i.e., living family and/or friends)? Or does confidentiality last forever?
Journalist friends tell me that in the tradition of their profession, the dead have no privacy. I'm not sure I agree with that, or whether it applies to personal confidences. Courts have ruled that public persons have less privacy than nonpublic persons. Does that apply here?
My friends are divided on this. I'm in the middle. What do you think? -- SITTING ON A SECRET
DEAR SITTING: In general, privacy rights die with the person. My legal experts tell me dead people cannot be defamed. Their good names die with them.
However, in the moral sense, if you kept your friend's secret while he was alive, you should continue to do so. Listen to your conscience and you won't go wrong.
DEAR ABBY: I have lived in an upstairs apartment for seven years. It is convenient to where both my spouse and I work. The rent is affordable, and we have a good relationship with our landlord.
The problem? Two years ago he rented the office directly downstairs to a woman who chain-smokes. He told her when she rented it that he had a no-smoking policy. (I don't know if it was written into her lease or not.) She has ignored the no-smoking policy since day one. After four or five requests from me that she not smoke, she replied that I would "just have to open a window."
Abby, opening a window does nothing. Our rugs and furniture stink. The clothes in our closet stink. Our throats tickle, our eyes burn, and I hate to think of the long-term effects on the health of our 3-year-old daughter.
After the "just open a window" comment, I went to our landlord. He told her in no uncertain terms that she was not to smoke in the building. She stopped briefly, then started again. Back to the landlord I went. She stopped briefly once again, then started again. Back to the landlord again. Now, she simply denies that she's smoking (there's no doubt that she does), and I am tired of bothering our landlord.
The building is very old and nothing short of demolition would keep the smell from drifting up here. The floors are hardwood. I love this place for its rustic charm, and have put a lot of work into making it a pleasant and comfortable home.
Abby, does she have the right to smoke? Don't I have the right to keep my home smoke-free? I am a happy person, but she's making my life miserable. -- FRUSTRATED IN ST. PETE'S BEACH, FLA.
DEAR FRUSTRATED: If the non-smoking policy your landlord has been trying to enforce is part of the lease, then your neighbor does not have the right to smoke -- she's in violation of the agreement, and the landlord can insist she move.
If it is not in the lease agreement, and the stench of stale smoke has reached a level you fear could harm your daughter, then you are the one who will have to move.
Your landlord would be wise to choose which tenant he wishes to keep before you make the decision for him.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Who Wants Piano Back Strikes Sour Note With Sister
DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, my sister called and offered me her piano. She told me none of her children wanted it, she was moving, and there was no room for it in her new place. Since I love to play the piano and am quite good at it, I said yes immediately.
I have moved twice since I have had the piano. It is very heavy, and the second time I moved, I had to pay a piano mover to move it. In October of '95, my mother passed away. Then in December of '96, my other sister passed away, and I've been sick for quite a while myself.
Last February, the sister who gave me the piano called out of the blue and told me she wanted her piano back because her granddaughter was taking piano lessons and needed it so she could practice. I hadn't heard from her for quite a while, and it upset me that she had called not to inquire about my health, but to ask me to return something she had given me seven years ago.
She insists that she told me seven years ago that she was giving me the piano with the stipulation that if one of her children or grandchildren should decide some time in the future that they wanted to play, I would return it. My feeling is that it was inconsiderate of her to ask for the piano back, when she knew I was sick and depressed, regardless of any stipulation under which she might have given it to me. I explained to her that due to chronic fatigue and depression, I haven't been able to keep my house in order and that she could have someone come for the piano after I am well enough to straighten up my place.
I am writing to you because I would like to know if you think my sister was inconsiderate in making her request, or if I am just being overly sensitive about it. -- STRESSED OUT, HURT AND CONFUSED, WHITEHALL, PA.
DEAR STRESSED OUT: If you and your sister had not spoken in some time, it is possible that she was unaware that her request was coming at a time when you were sick and depressed. Give her the benefit of the doubt and return the piano.
Although chronic fatigue syndrome is an elusive illness and difficult to diagnose, help for it is available. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) operates a chronic fatigue syndrome hotline with recorded updates on diagnosis, causes, treatment and support groups. The number is 1-404-332-4555. You might benefit by giving it a call. (For those with computers, CDC has a home page; the address for information on chronic fatigue syndrome is: www.cdc.gov/ncidod/diseases/cfs/cfshome.htm.)
Also, the National Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia Association provides scientifically accurate information to patients in writing, on videotape and by telephone. Call 1-816-313-2000, or write to the association at P.O. Box 18426, Kansas City, Mo. 64133. Please enclose a long, business-sized, self-addressed, stamped (32 cents) envelope.
As depressing and debilitating as CFS can be, adding to it a feeling of isolation is even worse. If you haven't already done so, start networking today. I wish you the best of luck.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Lucky Lady" -- to keep a small flashlight on the nightstand to use in finding her way to the bathroom when in strange surroundings -- is fine, IF she tells her hosts about it.
Otherwise, they might think there's an intruder in their house, and shoot without bothering to ask, "Who goes there?" -- MRS. WILLIAM H. SYLL, NEW ORLEANS
DEAR MRS. SYLL: That's good advice. Better to be safe than sorry.
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letters from women complaining about the lack of service they receive at lumberyards and hardware stores because they were female, I had to laugh.
The opposite is true for my husband and me. The secret lies with reverse sex discrimination. I put on makeup and wear a tight T-shirt and never lack for attention. My husband makes me come along with him, just to lure the sales clerks so he can get help. -- JANIS IN CAPISTRANO BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR JANIS: Your letter proves that flies are attracted to honeys in tight T-shirts.
CONFIDENTIAL TO ROSIE: Happy Birthday to the most wonderful mother-in-law a person could wish for!
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)