CONFIDENTIAL TO ROSIE: Happy Birthday to the most wonderful mother-in-law a person could wish for!
Woman Who Wants Piano Back Strikes Sour Note With Sister
DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, my sister called and offered me her piano. She told me none of her children wanted it, she was moving, and there was no room for it in her new place. Since I love to play the piano and am quite good at it, I said yes immediately.
I have moved twice since I have had the piano. It is very heavy, and the second time I moved, I had to pay a piano mover to move it. In October of '95, my mother passed away. Then in December of '96, my other sister passed away, and I've been sick for quite a while myself.
Last February, the sister who gave me the piano called out of the blue and told me she wanted her piano back because her granddaughter was taking piano lessons and needed it so she could practice. I hadn't heard from her for quite a while, and it upset me that she had called not to inquire about my health, but to ask me to return something she had given me seven years ago.
She insists that she told me seven years ago that she was giving me the piano with the stipulation that if one of her children or grandchildren should decide some time in the future that they wanted to play, I would return it. My feeling is that it was inconsiderate of her to ask for the piano back, when she knew I was sick and depressed, regardless of any stipulation under which she might have given it to me. I explained to her that due to chronic fatigue and depression, I haven't been able to keep my house in order and that she could have someone come for the piano after I am well enough to straighten up my place.
I am writing to you because I would like to know if you think my sister was inconsiderate in making her request, or if I am just being overly sensitive about it. -- STRESSED OUT, HURT AND CONFUSED, WHITEHALL, PA.
DEAR STRESSED OUT: If you and your sister had not spoken in some time, it is possible that she was unaware that her request was coming at a time when you were sick and depressed. Give her the benefit of the doubt and return the piano.
Although chronic fatigue syndrome is an elusive illness and difficult to diagnose, help for it is available. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) operates a chronic fatigue syndrome hotline with recorded updates on diagnosis, causes, treatment and support groups. The number is 1-404-332-4555. You might benefit by giving it a call. (For those with computers, CDC has a home page; the address for information on chronic fatigue syndrome is: www.cdc.gov/ncidod/diseases/cfs/cfshome.htm.)
Also, the National Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia Association provides scientifically accurate information to patients in writing, on videotape and by telephone. Call 1-816-313-2000, or write to the association at P.O. Box 18426, Kansas City, Mo. 64133. Please enclose a long, business-sized, self-addressed, stamped (32 cents) envelope.
As depressing and debilitating as CFS can be, adding to it a feeling of isolation is even worse. If you haven't already done so, start networking today. I wish you the best of luck.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Lucky Lady" -- to keep a small flashlight on the nightstand to use in finding her way to the bathroom when in strange surroundings -- is fine, IF she tells her hosts about it.
Otherwise, they might think there's an intruder in their house, and shoot without bothering to ask, "Who goes there?" -- MRS. WILLIAM H. SYLL, NEW ORLEANS
DEAR MRS. SYLL: That's good advice. Better to be safe than sorry.
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letters from women complaining about the lack of service they receive at lumberyards and hardware stores because they were female, I had to laugh.
The opposite is true for my husband and me. The secret lies with reverse sex discrimination. I put on makeup and wear a tight T-shirt and never lack for attention. My husband makes me come along with him, just to lure the sales clerks so he can get help. -- JANIS IN CAPISTRANO BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR JANIS: Your letter proves that flies are attracted to honeys in tight T-shirts.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SAD PARENT ENDURES MORE LOSS FROM THIEVES AT CHILD'S GRAVE
DEAR ABBY: I am writing you with the hope that people will read this and think about it. I lost my beautiful daughter and her fiance to a drunk driver. She was only 20, and her fiance was 23. The driver had three DUIs and the passenger had five. These two individuals, neither of whom had driver's licenses, left the scene of the accident. They did not help or even go for help, but just ran.
My daughter's wedding would have been in seven months. Most of the plans were complete. I miss my daughter so much. She was my only child. Her fiance was wonderful -- smart and such a kind person. This should never have happened. Our courts need to be tougher.
We chose to bury my daughter and her fiance side by side. On their headstone, we have a picture of the two of them hugging each other with their engagement date beneath the picture and the words, "Together Forever." It is a tribute to their memory. We have placed items on their grave many times.
Abby, I cannot understand why people have taken the items we left. I am shocked that people could be so cold and heartless that they'd take things off a grave. I know my baby is gone, but her body was placed there. I visit and take gifts out of love and respect for their memory. She was my life, my joy, my child. For someone to come and steal from her grave hurts beyond words. -- SAD IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR SAD: Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved only child.
Cemetery policies vary from place to place. Most cemeteries will allow items to remain on a gravesite only for a limited period, after which they are removed by personnel so the grounds can be properly maintained. Discuss your concerns with the cemetery's management to see if they have removed the items you left, or whether there may be a problem with theft. If items are being stolen, the management should be alerted so that security procedures can be put in place.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the mother of the 17-year-old who was dating a guy Mom felt was bad news. Your answer, that the daughter may have to learn for herself, was exactly right, Abby.
When I was 16, I started dating a guy my parents felt was bad for me. They told me one time how they felt about him, then let me make my own decisions and come to my own conclusions. It took me four years to realize what my parents had known from the start, but it was a learning experience I wouldn't trade for anything.
I know it was difficult for my parents to keep their comments about him to themselves and not interfere, but I thank them for doing so. That relationship made me who I am today. It made me understand my strengths and weaknesses, what I wanted in life and what I didn't.
I am now 25 years old and married to a man who is everything I ever wanted and everything my bad-news boyfriend wasn't. -- HAPPILY EVER AFTER
DEAR HAPPILY EVER AFTER: It is never easy to watch a child stumble or make mistakes, but the lessons learned from personal experience are the ones most clearly remembered, as your letter attests.
Author E.M. Forster said it well: "Spoon-feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon."
DEAR ABBY: I took my dog fishing with me to a lake in the mountains near here. He's well behaved and I had him on a leash, but he was attracted to some discarded, balled-up fishing line with bait on it. He gulped it down. I didn't see this, so when I turned around I had a dog with fishing line leading into his mouth and down his throat.
This involved a rush trip down the mountain to the emergency vet clinic, hours of anguish and lots of money.
The vet told me he sees about one dog a week who has swallowed a fishing line with a fish hook. Dog owners: BEWARE. And fishermen: Never drop a discarded line with a hook. It could be your own dog you catch! -- KEITH JACKSON, DENVER
DEAR KEITH: What a harrowing experience! Fishermen should remember they are sportsmen. And good sportsmen respect the environment and never leave litter behind. To leave items lying around that could be dangerous to pets, children or wildlife is unconscionable.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Fears Candles on Cake Won't Be Only Flame Burning
DEAR ABBY: "Roger" and I have been married more than 40 years. I feel we have a good marriage.
We have recently retired and moved to the city where Roger grew up. There's a lady here I'll call "Mitzi." Roger dated Mitzi all through high school and was engaged to her for at least three years after that. From what I can put together, they had a very intimate relationship. Mitzi sent Roger a "Dear John" letter while he was in the military, which I assumed he probably deserved. (I was in no way involved.) Mitzi has been married to the same man for more than 40 years.
Over the past four decades, we have attended the same social functions about six times. Each time, she and Roger always seem to visit at least 15 or 20 minutes, and while he's talking to her he completely ignores me. In fact, he turns his back on me as though he's ashamed of me. Do you think there is any unfinished business between them?
I would like to give him a surprise birthday party. Because of the people I will be inviting, it will be necessary to also invite Mitzi and her husband. My question: If there's still some kind of spark, would I be asking for trouble? -- CONCERNED IN FLORIDA
DEAR CONCERNED: If there were still a spark, the fire would have flared up before now. The odds are against Mitzi's stirring up the embers of an old flame she doused 40 years ago.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you can settle an argument my wife and I are having. We recently went away for a long weekend. While we were away, we let my wife's sister and brother-in-law use our house because they were visiting our city that same weekend.
I like my in-laws very much and had no problem with their staying in our home. However, before we left, I locked my desk, which contains personal and financial papers.
My wife says this was a personal insult to her and her family because my actions implied that I thought they might snoop or they couldn't be trusted alone in our house. I say I have the right to lock up personal papers without owing anyone an explanation. In any event, the only way my in-laws would have discovered that the desk was locked was if they tried to open it, which they shouldn't have.
Your thoughts, please. -- SECRETS IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR SECRETS: I see nothing wrong with locking up personal items or papers if you are having houseguests. A host has the right to keep certain things private, and a desire for privacy should not be interpreted as a lack of trust or an insult. You were generous to have shared your home. You should not be required to share personal and financial information as well.
DEAR ABBY: My last suitor was upset when I told him I didn't want to continue our relationship because he was a lousy lover. He said, "What do you mean I'm a lousy lover? How can you tell in just two minutes?"
If women would stop faking orgasms, Abby, maybe men would begin to get a clue that lovemaking is a partnership activity. -- BEV IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR BEV: I agree. And candor is essential for that partnership to be successful.
DEAR ABBY: I think people should be reminded that:
"He who comes forth with a fifth on the Fourth
"May not come forth on the Fifth!"
-- L.A. CRAWFORD, LAKE HAVASU CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR L.A. CRAWFORD: Thanks for the timely reminder. Your verse is a "first."
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY WOMB-MATE: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SISSY!
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)