CONFIDENTIAL TO OUTSIDER IN GULFPORT, MISS.: Don't give up on finding your niche. You are not alone. Bette Midler once said: "I didn't belong as a kid, and that always bothered me. If only I'd known that one day my differentness would be an asset, my early life would have been much easier."
Virus Causing Genital Warts Also Causes Cervical Cancer
DEAR ABBY: I was interested to read the letter about genital warts from "Keeping My Pants On in Florida." As a gynecologist, I agree that prevention of sexually transmitted disease is the best solution to this enormous medical problem.
The same sexually transmitted virus that causes genital warts (HPV) is the most common cause of cervical cancer. The more sexual partners you have had, or the more partners your partner has had, the greater your risk of coming into contact with this virus.
Another important risk is the age at which a person becomes sexually active, since during adolescence the cells of the cervix are more susceptible to this infection. Therefore, intercourse at an early age increases the risk of getting cervical precancer and cancer.
HPV is often detectable during a regular gynecologic examination. A routine Pap smear is a fairly effective way to find this virus on the cervix, long before it has caused cervical cancer.
Treatment for both genital warts and abnormal Pap smears can be easily performed in the doctor's office with minimal discomfort. Hysterectomy is rarely necessary. And the development of cervical cancer and death is avoidable if women will simply have yearly examinations and Pap smears. -- WILLIAM H. PARKER, M.D., SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR DR. PARKER: Thank you for this information. Since many people suffer from genital warts, I'm sure it will be appreciated. You are not the only medical professional who wrote to comment about the letter from "Keeping My Pants On in Florida." Read on for another response:
DEAR ABBY: The man in Florida who acquired genital warts from his girlfriend after having sex with her for the first time was under the false assumption that had he used a condom he would not have contracted this virus.
Condoms are ineffective in preventing the transmission of genital warts or herpes. They are transmitted by intimate skin-to-skin contact in areas that the condom does not cover. These viruses also shed beyond the "protected" area. Transmission of genital warts can also occur through secondary contact, such as fondling, foreplay and petting.
Abby, please make this clear to your readers: The 12 percent failure rate of condoms in the prevention of pregnancy alone argues against their use for preventing an incurable or fatal disease. People must understand the ineffectiveness of condoms. The only safe sex is a mature, mutually monogamous relationship with an uninfected partner. If people choose otherwise, they should be aware of the risks involved. -- SALLY BEACH, R.N., LAKE WORTH, FLA.
DEAR SALLY BEACH: Thank you on behalf of my readers for the warning. Although it may be tempting to proceed in the heat of passion, it's wiser to wait until after a period of cool reflection before consummating a sexual relationship.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Up Front Breakfast Attire Takes Visiting Couple Aback
DEAR ABBY: For the past six years, my husband and I have vacationed in Florida, where our friends "Myrtle" and "Gary" share their home with us for a week. We aren't moochers; we buy groceries, pay for their meals when we eat out, and drive our car when we go places.
This year, however, something strange happened. Myrtle came to the breakfast table wearing only a transparent lace nightgown. Nothing was left to the imagination. This happened twice, but since my husband and I were guests in their home, I was reluctant to suggest that she wear a robe. Perhaps she meant nothing by it, but she made other subtle passes at my husband during our stay.
I kept quiet because I feared that if I objected or made a scene, the vacation would be ruined for everyone.
My husband was also taken aback by Myrtle's bold display. Neither of us can imagine why she behaved this way after all our years of friendship.
What should I have done? And what should I do if she repeats this seductive behavior next year? -- CONFUSED UP NORTH
DEAR CONFUSED: It's water under the bridge now, but at the time, you could have talked to her privately and suggested that she cover herself appropriately, or you and your husband could have packed up and moved to a hotel.
Next year, decline their hospitality and make hotel reservations -- and if they ask you why, tell them.
DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced from my wife for several years and I now live with my girlfriend. My ex-wife and my girlfriend have become very friendly and spend extended periods of time on the telephone with each other. This makes me very uncomfortable.
I have made my feelings clear to both of them, but I cannot insist they stop. They have the right to choose their own friends.
Is it common for ex-wives and girlfriends to take a shine to one another, or is this unusual? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN PHOENIX
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Consider yourself fortunate. Many individuals find it impossible to keep peace between ex-partners and the person with whom they are currently involved.
Do not assume that the two are spending time talking about you. More than likely, they simply enjoy conversing with each other. Enjoy their friendship, and let them do the same.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Concerned Dad in Batavia, Ill.," whose wife was verbally abusing their son, prompts this letter.
I am now 43 and my mother has been dead for eight years, but I can still hear her calling me "four-eyes" because I had to wear glasses. She told me I was no good and would never amount to anything.
My mother's harsh words and physical battering left my brother and me guilt-ridden and traumatized. I became an introvert and never married because I never felt good enough for anyone. My brother, an extrovert, is on his fourth marriage. Neither of us has children. Only recently have I gained enough confidence to speak up in public.
My father, a fine man, saw it all and never said a word. Although I love him, a part of me hates him for it. Since becoming an adult, I try not to blame anyone, but I always felt Dad should have stepped in when I was younger.
Please tell "Concerned Dad" that if he doesn't intervene, his son could be messed up for life. -- C.J. FROM N.J.
DEAR C.J.: Although I urged "Concerned Dad" to intervene on his son's behalf and to seek counseling for both his wife and their son, I hope he also reads your letter. Hearing firsthand from an adult who is still suffering from the effects of verbal abuse should have more impact than any advice I can offer.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SCHOOLYARD CONFLICTS ARE BEST SETTLED WITH WORDS, NOT FISTS
DEAR ABBY: You responded to "Worried in Texas," a 12-year-old boy who was concerned about how to avoid getting into a fight at school, that he should sign up for self-defense lessons.
Although it's important for the boy to have confidence in his ability to defend himself, your advice reflects traditional thinking that does little to address the problem of fighting at school. It is important for the boy to realize that he has other options.
Your sage advice is read by millions daily. Therefore you are in a unique position to help shape societal changes that could lead to an emphasis on nonviolence. Schools can play a vital role in teaching students alternative methods to address the age-old problem of bullies and fighting. Schools must provide a safe, caring environment if we expect effective learning to take place. It is a primary concern for parents and educators.
There are now thousands of schools across this nation where effective conflict resolution training and peer mediation programs have been successfully implemented. Students in elementary and secondary schools have been trained in dispute resolution skills. Such training empowers them to resolve problems peacefully and to assist their peers to do the same. Children and young adults are open to learning new skills, which can then effect positive change in their communities when they apply those skills.
I hope that "Worried in Texas" will go beyond the step of taking a self-defense course and suggest to his school principal that they start a peer mediation program together. He could significantly change the culture in his school through such action and possibly prevent younger children from having to deal with the same problem. As Mohandas K. Gandhi said, "If we wish to create a lasting peace, we must begin with the children."
For further information on school-based conflict resolution programs, contact the National Institute for Dispute Resolution, 1726 M St. NW, Suite 500, Washington, D.C. 20036-4502. -- LEO HOGAN, ED.D., ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL, SHORECREST HIGH SCHOOL, SHORELINE, WASH.
DEAR DR. HOGAN: I know you are on target about this. Dispute resolution training as a method of resolving conflict and reducing violence is a concept that originated with the Quakers and has gained popular acceptance since the mid- to late-1970s.
I contacted the National Institute for Dispute Resolution (NIDR) and was impressed to find that in a 1995 statewide survey of high schools in California, more than 70 percent of respondents indicated that student peer mediation programs reduce the incidence of suspension; and a majority of respondents also believe that the programs reduce violence. And a 1992 study of a conflict resolution in New York reported a 50 percent decline in student assaults. That's impressive!
Thank you for a letter I am sure will interest many parents, teachers and school administrators.
DEAR ABBY: Before my husband and I were married, he showered me with gifts large and small. After we married, it became my duty to send the cards and buy the gifts for family and friends.
My birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas would go by with no gift or card. I would suffer in silence, getting more and more depressed as the time went by.
Finally, after several years of this, I decided not to allow my feelings to be hurt any longer. Two weeks before the big day, I would remind him, "My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and I'd really like that dress we saw or those beautiful earrings. Why don't we go out for dinner at (blank)?"
It worked! I was happy and he was beaming with all the praise. After 37 years, he hasn't caught on yet. -- MRS. D. IN FLORIDA
DEAR MRS. D.: That's an excellent, nonconfrontational solution to a very common problem. Thanks for sharing it.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)