For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Cozy Arrangement Provides Not Much Comfort for Widow
DEAR ABBY: My gentleman friend and I have been together for two years. We are both widowed and own our own homes, but he lives with me. I am 69 and he is 80. He saves money by living with me. He takes me out for dinner quite often and buys small items for the house, and sometimes gasoline for my car. But I am unable to save much because I pay most of the bills.
Whenever we go anyplace, I drive because he doesn't drive very well. He calls his friends long-distance on my phone, saying he will reimburse me, but so far he never has. (I'm not sure if he's just cheap, or forgetful.)
Before I met him I was so lonely I was climbing the walls. When he came along, he filled a void in my life, but now I'm wondering if I wouldn't be better off without him.
He's not in the best of health and has no one to look after him, and I wonder if my conscience would bother me if I broke up with him.
He says he wants to get married, but will do nothing about having a prenuptial contract drawn up. My attorney says if we get married without a prenuptial contract, he could stand to get half of everything I have, but I could get nothing of his because all his assets are in trust.
I don't really want to get married, but I do feel that if he should get sick and I take care of him, I deserve to get SOMETHING. He has two sons and I have three.
He seems content to go on as things are, living in my home, with me paying most of the bills while he saves his money. I am not happy with the way things are.
I have no one I can talk to about this, so I am asking you. What would you do if you were in my shoes? -- NO NAME, PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME: Some things are worse than being lonely, and your situation appears to be one of them. If I were in your shoes, I would have a frank conversation with him, explaining your unhappiness, and insist that he pay his share of the bills. And I would not say "I do" until I had a prenuptial agreement in my safe-deposit box.
DEAR ABBY: While visiting Paris recently, my purse was stolen off my shoulder in the Champs de Mars park. I gave chase, yelling at the top of my lungs, "Stop! Help! Call the police! Help! Help!"
Bravo to the three young men from Ohio, and my congratulations to their parents for raising such heroes. They tackled the thief and retrieved my purse. And bravo to Jessica from Connecticut, who went to the police station with me and made a positive ID of the mugger.
Bravo, bravo to the French police officers who took the time to drive me all around the park under the Eiffel Tower and escort me to the Metro to try to locate the mugger.
Thanks to the cafe owner who stayed open late so my daughter and her children would have a safe place to wait for me.
What an experience -- and what a fortunate outcome! Life is good. -- MARY A. PRYOR, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR MARY: Thanks for sharing your "All's well that ends well" experience. I love happy endings. Vive la France, and vive les tourists Americain!
Father's Faithful Payments Support Mom Instead of Son
DEAR ABBY: In 1985, I met a woman I grew to care for very much. She and her 9-year-old son from a previous marriage moved into my home. Within weeks, without prior discussion with me, she became pregnant and quit her job. For the next four years I supported her, our child and her older son, even though she was collecting child support from her former husband.
After counseling and considerable agony, it became obvious that this woman was a user and incapable of a healthy relationship. She moved out in 1989, and we worked out a joint-custody arrangement for our 3-year-old son "Josh." I was required to pay her $600 a month in child support.
A year later she disclosed that she had been addicted to drugs the entire time we were together. While I supported her son, she had spent his support check on drugs.
During the last seven years, she started, but never completed, several drug rehabilitation programs, and she has frequently uprooted the children as she moved from relationship to relationship and place to place. All the while, I've been paying child support and giving her thousands of dollars besides.
One recent afternoon, she came by my office to pick up the child-support check and mentioned she'd moved in with another boyfriend and was living rent-free. She was proud that Josh finally had a room of his own, but mentioned that he was sleeping on the floor because he didn't have a bed. I said, "Wait a minute ... you've been collecting child support for seven years, living rent-free for the past several months, and Josh is sleeping on the FLOOR? You haven't bought him something as basic as a bed?"
She replied, "I needed that money to square myself away." Then she added, "And you know what? I can spend that money on anything I want and legally there's nothing you can do about it!"
Josh confirmed this on the way home from school later that day, but defended his mom and said, "It's OK, Dad. I have a (borrowed) sleeping bag." It broke my heart. (Josh now has a bed.)
Abby, while a lot of attention is focused on "deadbeat dads," let's be mindful of the fact that the male gender has no monopoly on "deadbeats." -- SINGLE DAD IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR SINGLE DAD: Your son may need more than money and the bed you have provided for him. His mother is hardly a model of responsible behavior. Rather than blaming your ex-girlfriend, you, as the more responsible parent, should be talking with your lawyer about increasing your visitation or obtaining full custody. The more opportunity your son has to live in a healthy environment, the better his chances are for a successful future.
DEAR ABBY: Last year, my daughter had a boyfriend living with her, using her car, etc. His favorite excuse was, "I have no money." He also was smart enough not to have any credit cards. My daughter paid for everything, or charged it on her credit cards. Dinners, clothes, concert tickets, his car repairs -- it went on eight months. Then he left town with a good job offer.
My daughter itemized all she had spent on him, which came to about $3,000. Then she sent him the list. He wrote back saying he hadn't asked her for a thing!
Did she learn her lesson? No, she's now in an identical relationship. She's one foolish person, thinking she has to buy men so they'll like her.
I have talked myself blue in the face telling her that she can't afford all this generosity. I know she's responsible for her own actions, but in my day, the man paid for everything. Any hope for her? -- FRUSTRATED MOM IN DENVER
DEAR FRUSTRATED MOM: Times have changed a bit since your day. Today, many couples share expenses instead of the man bearing the entire burden.
Your daughter, however, has some serious self-esteem issues. Playing the role of "sugar momma" may foster dependence, but it won't buy love. She's making an investment that has a notoriously low return. The money would be far better spent on counseling.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Replacing Stolen I.D. Means Hiking a Rugged Paper Trail
DEAR ABBY: My purse, containing all my personal identification, was recently stolen. Without my ID, trying to prove I exist has been a frustrating experience.
I was unable to convince the Motor Vehicle Bureau and must go through the whole application process again. I notified the police department about my loss, closed my checking account and canceled all my charge cards.
Also in my purse was a booklet that is vital to my health. On the cover it stated, "If lost, by your mercy, please drop in any mailbox and the family will gladly pay the postage." It has not turned up. As an active octogenarian, my faith in common decency is shaken.
The Social Security office insisted on past medical records, which required my making two trips. My Social Security card and Medigap cards will arrive in due time.
Abby, perhaps your readers can learn from my experience. Tell them to photocopy all charge cards, front and back, and also their car registration and license, a voided check, their Social Security cards, health cards and health records. It can save them untold time and frustration in case there's a loss or theft. -- BELLEFONTE, PA., READER
DEAR READER: It's not necessary for me to tell my readers. You have done it, and very succinctly. However, I'd add one more suggestion: Keep the photocopies in a secure place such as a safe-deposit box.
DEAR ABBY: It gripes me that there's a continuing tendency in the movies and on television to misrepresent the South. Our part of the country seems to be a favorite lampoon target. If we can't laugh at ourselves, we have no right to laugh at anyone. But there are several common portrayals of Southern life that sho' 'nuff rile me!
A common mistake that's made by actors and actresses impersonating Southerners is to use the term "y'all," while speaking to and about only one person. Abby, everyone should know that "y'all" is a contraction of "you all," and obviously is plural. If we say "y'all" to an individual, we are referring to that person and at least one other.
We realize y'all like our accent, and we appreciate it. But a fake Southern accent is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Do it right or don't do it! Hire a true Southerner to advise.
We really can pronounce the letter "r" at the end of a word. We seldom use the phrase "li'l ol'." Few of us go by a double first name, such as "Jim Bob" or "Billy John." Some of us have never tasted a mint julep or sat in a magnolia tree. A number of us regularly wear shoes, at least in winter, and hardly anyone wears overalls anymore (not to church, anyway). Indoor plumbing is almost common now, and inbreeding is actually frowned upon in most circles.
I heard of a woman not far from Birmingham who scored above average on an IQ test! Not to brag, but I, myself, can correctly identify either of those letters three times out of four! Some Southerners don't even like grits. Usually, such people are accepted by society anyhow, except at really important affairs.
I hope this helps you Yankees, etc., to understand us ignorant Southerners a little better. After all, we can't all be fortunate enough to be born north of the Mason-Dixon line. So go ahead and laugh at us. But please do it with respect. Remember that we're trying to understand you, too. And we often do. Except when you talk.
Y'all come! -- BAMA BUBBA
DEAR BAMA BUBBA: You have stated your case very well -- and you have an excellent sense of humor. I'm reminded of the lyric from an old Phil Harris song: "And that's what I like about the South ..."
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)