To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Children of Widowed Parent Often Resent New Spouse
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Sad Grandpa" who, 38 years ago, married a widow with seven children. He now wants to remarry after her death, and his stepchildren are upset about it.
Perhaps his stepchildren are afraid not only of losing their stepfather, but also any property or belongings (monetary or not) that their biological father and mother would have left them.
I don't mean to make them sound greedy, but we all know from the letters you print that people who remarry later in life when their children are grown often forget that what they and their first spouse accumulated should be shared with their children. When parents remarry and are outlived by their new spouse, many times everything goes to the new spouse's family. And the children feel resentful and abandoned when nothing of their original family, monetary or not, is left for them.
Many clergy today require young couples about to marry to attend premarital counseling, but this is often waived for mature couples who have been married before. Perhaps these couples should also attend counseling which, among other things, would cover disposition of property and how each other's heirs will be remembered in their wills. -- ELYN KIRCHNER, MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR ELYN: I agree, it is unfair for all the assets to be left to another family. And premarital counseling is an excellent arena for ironing out such important issues.
It is also important, however, for grown children to understand their widowed parent's need for companionship in their later years, and to put forth every effort to make the new spouse feel welcomed into the family. Regarding the newcomer as an intruder can have painful consequences. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Stuck in Oklahoma," I felt compelled to write. "Stuck" stated that her mother had died and her father's second wife was difficult to like. She said she didn't know anyone who liked the new wife.
I can think of someone who likes her: "Stuck's" father! The relationship with my two grown daughters was strained for years after I remarried. They slighted my wife, and indirectly me -- in many subtle ways. They would "forget" her birthday, and address special-occasion cards to me only, or behave rudely in her presence. Any intervention by me was met with protestations of innocence on their part. After the loss of my second wife, I had a belated father/daughters talk and told them their behavior had been inexcusable.
My second wife had never tried to replace my daughters' mother. She had simply given their father the love he needed to make his life whole again. Remember, children, it's not easy being a second wife or husband. Cut some slack, OK? -- G.W. IN SHARPSBURG, GA.
DEAR G.W.: Thank you for sharing your experience. Perhaps others will learn that when widowed parents remarry, the grown children shouldn't feel abandoned. They should practice the Golden Rule.
Woman's Fear of Kissing Puts Her Fiance in a Funk
DEAR ABBY: We are 83 and 86, and engaged to be married. This is my problem: I haven't had a "real" kiss for some time.
My fiancee, Emma, had a sore throat several months ago, so she stopped kissing me on the lips. Recently she told me she had seen on television that there was an outbreak of the "kissing disease." Now she has become completely paranoid about it.
Emma says she loves me and is always very attentive when we're together. However, when I try to kiss her, I have to settle for a kiss on the cheek.
Am I being unreasonable to want a kiss on the lips? -- TIRED OF TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK
DEAR TIRED: In view of the fact that you and Emma are engaged to be married, you are not being unreasonable in wanting to be kissed in a romantic fashion.
Ask Emma to be frank with you. She may be reluctant to tell you that you have a halitosis problem. If that's not it, schedule a visit with a physician who can explain to Emma how the "kissing disease" (infectious mononucleosis) is transmitted, and screen you for it. If neither of you has it, you won't get it from each other -- and she can kiss you till the cows come home with perfect peace of mind.
DEAR ABBY: You published a poem years ago that I clipped and enjoyed very much. It was a poem that compared the behavior of man and the apes, and was quite humorous. I think the title was "The Monkey's Disgrace." Would you put it in your column again, please? -- CHESAPEAKE, VA.
DEAR CHESAPEAKE: With pleasure. That poem last appeared in my column in 1987. It's one of my favorites.
THE MONKEY'S DISGRACE
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree
Discussing things as they are said to be
Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two,
"There's a rumor around that can't be true
"That man descended from our noble race
"The very idea is a great disgrace.
"No monkey has ever deserted his wife
"Starved her babies and ruined her life
"And you've never known a mother monk
"To leave her babies with others to bunk
"Or pass from one on to another
"Till they scarcely knew who is their mother.
"Here's another thing a monkey won't do
"Go out at night and get on a stew
"Or use a gun or club or knife
"To take some other monkey's life
"Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss
"But, brother, he didn't descend from us."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
PHONE RESEARCHER'S EARS ARE RINGING BECAUSE OF HANG-UPS
DEAR ABBY: I work for a telephone research firm. I haven't been working for this company for very long, but I have already found that most people have terrible phone etiquette.
We are taught to be polite to everyone we talk to, yet we no sooner utter the phrase, "Hello, my name is ... I work for a research firm," when the phone is hung up in our ears, without a word being said. All they have to do is tell us they aren't interested, and we would tell them to have a nice evening. We don't force anyone to talk to us.
Also, because the computer picks the phone numbers, we don't know who we're calling. We call a lot of businesses, but the majority of them don't answer the phones correctly. They say "Hello," with no indication that it is a business. Then they get upset when we say we work for a research firm -- as though we've imposed upon them. If they would answer their phone with the name of their business, we would apologize and tell them we've reached the wrong number.
Some people treat us like we're lowlifes to be doing this, but companies pay our firm to do these surveys. For us, it's a job! We have senior citizens, students and wives working for extra money to help with the bills and to buy a few groceries. What's so wrong with that? We were taught by our elders to be polite to everyone, but it seems as though they live by a double standard. -- M.B. IN BELLE PLAINE, IOWA
DEAR M.B.: There is no excuse for rudeness, but many people find it highly inconvenient to get a telephone call when they are feeding the baby, putting groceries away, hurrying to pick up the children at school, etc., and they resent being interrupted by someone who is taking a survey or selling something.
People have telephones in their homes for their own convenience, not for the convenience of the research and marketing firms.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 44 years and thought I knew my husband well.
Twice recently I returned home earlier than he expected, and I found him watching pornographic movies! He is 73 years old with a problem due to prostate surgery. Abby, this has bothered me so much I am almost in a daze since this happened.
I consider myself a fun-loving, broad-minded person, but this is so contrary to my nature, I cannot accept it.
Who has the problem? Him or me?
I have not been able to discuss this with him yet. I await your advice. -- A PERPLEXED READER
DEAR PERPLEXED: As I see it, the problem lies in your inability to accept the fact that your husband enjoys watching pornographic movies. (Many people do.) You should make an attempt to discuss it with him. However, do not make an issue of it.
Because of your husband's prostate surgery, he may require visual stimulation to become aroused. He should talk to his doctor for further reassurance and medical help if it's indicated. He may be unaware that most cases of impotence can be treated.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)