Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Kicks Herself in Hindsight After Girls Drive With Drinker
DEAR ABBY: I am divorced and have three daughters. My ex-husband "Sam" married "Connie." She is 11 years younger than I am. Connie has no children of her own and they do not have children together yet.
My girls are under 18, so we still have the weekend visitation arrangement. The last time they were scheduled to visit their father, Connie came to pick them up.
The problem: Connie reeked of alcohol. Sam and I do not live in the same town -- there's about a 15-mile drive between us. Now I'm kicking myself in the hindquarters because I let my daughters leave with her.
I cannot have any more children, Abby, and the three I have are a precious gift from above. Had my daughter's friend come to pick her up and the friend reeked of alcohol, there's no way I would have let my daughter get into the car. I let them go with Connie and hoped for the best because I did not want to start a fight -- which I now feel was incredibly stupid. What should I do if this happens again? -- TRYING TO DO RIGHT IN MINNESOTA
DEAR TRYING TO DO RIGHT: Allowing the children to ride with a driver who reeked of alcohol was inexcusable. You are fortunate it wasn't a tragedy. If Sam doesn't know about this incident, he should be made aware of it.
Since you can't predict whether Connie will show up drunk or sober, in the future either you or your ex-husband must provide the transportation for the children.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married three years ago in a small ceremony. Since our wedding was small, we decided not to have bridesmaids or groomsmen. One of my husband's closest friends came to the ceremony, but claims he "got lost" on the way to the reception. Needless to say, he never made it to the reception, nor did he present us with a wedding gift.
Now, three years later, this friend is getting married. He has asked my husband to be a groomsman (requiring him to rent a $60 tuxedo), and has already invited us to a "pantry and tool" shower.
In light of the fact that he never bought us a wedding gift, I have a problem buying him a wedding gift, much less a shower gift.
How would you handle this? -- TICKED OFF IN TALLAHASSEE
DEAR TICKED OFF: If your husband accepts the honor of being a groomsman, he is obligated to buy a wedding gift. And if you and your husband attend the shower, you'll be expected to bring a shower gift. Let bygones be bygones.
DEAR ABBY: A young lady we work with had a baby. She was hoping it would be a girl. In fact, we all hoped she would have a daughter, so when we held a shower for her, many of us gave her gifts for a girl.
Well, the baby turned out to be a boy. And guess what? She sent the gifts back to us and asked US to exchange them for boy things.
Abby, I ask you, is that proper etiquette? Or should she have exchanged the gifts herself? -- PEEVED IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR PEEVED: Was it proper etiquette? Absolutely not! She should have quietly exchanged the gifts herself.
Time Is No Protection Against Sexually Transmitted Disease
DEAR ABBY: I have been a sexually active male since puberty, but I never took protection seriously. Then, two years ago, I learned that an older friend of mine had been diagnosed with HIV. His wife had it before they met. They are an average family, with the house, the kids, the dog, and church every Sunday. Just plain good people -- with HIV.
That made me sit down and think hard. No more running around for me! I'm in my early 20s -- too young to die.
I found a girlfriend who was not sexually active. She told me she had been intimate with only one person, and only one time. We dated steadily for a year and a half before we engaged in intercourse. It lasted only about 30 seconds before she said, "This isn't right -- we should be married!" Then she put her clothes back on.
About a month later I noticed a bump on my penis, then two bumps, then three. I went to the clinic for medical treatment, and was tested for HIV and all the other sexually transmitted diseases, and was given treatment for genital warts. It was a very painful procedure where acid was applied to the affected area. Over the course of a week the bumps fell off, leaving open, bleeding sores.
I was told genital warts are a serious problem. It is a virus, meaning I will have to get treatments and watch for outbreaks until my dying day. For a woman, it is worse. It hides, unexposed, with no symptoms. If left untreated it can cause cancer, leading to a hysterectomy -- or worse yet -- death!
I thought just knowing your partner was safe was enough. I thought a year and a half was long enough. I was wrong. For 30 seconds of unprotected sex, I now have the "gift" that keeps on giving.
What can you do to protect yourself in the '90s? Demand to see STD results or bring 75 cents' worth of latex (condom) into the relationship. It can be a matter of life or death. -- KEEPING MY PANTS ON IN FLORIDA
DEAR KEEPING: You have learned a sobering lesson. Thank you for speaking out.
More than 12 million cases of sexually transmitted disease are reported in the United States each year. We now lead all the other developed nations in the rate that diseases are spread through sexual contact. The cost to taxpayers for curable STDs is an estimated $10 billion annually!
According to a recent report by the Institute of Medicine at the National Academy of Sciences in Washington, D.C., the public sector spends only $1 to prevent and fight curable STDs for every $43 spent on treatment and other costs. Education is essential. STD prevention can be effective only if people are willing to change their sexual behavior by using condoms and delaying sexual activity as long as possible.
School districts could help by requiring that information regarding sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy prevention be part of an age-appropriate health education curriculum, and given every year.
According to the report, there is no evidence that condom availability, or school-based education programs to prevent STDs, promotes sexual activity.
In this case, ignorance is the enemy. And yes, I know I'll hear from readers insisting that abstinence is the only 100 percent safe sex. However, for those who are unable to remain abstinent, effective sex education is the answer.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I teach fourth grade at Westlake Elementary School in Ventura County, Calif. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted. You may want to share them with your readers. -- LESLY VICK
DEAR LESLY VICK: Indeed I do. Your students deserve an "A" for originality. Read on:
The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
A rolling stone plays the guitar.
The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
A bird in the hand is a real mess.
No news is no newspaper.
It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
You have nothing to fear but homework.
If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
We have nothing to fear but our principal.
To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
I think, therefore I get a headache.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"
Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
There is nothing new under the bed.
The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.
Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long!
DEAR ABBY: In reference to "Happily Adopted in Orlando, Fla." This indeed was a remarkable letter.
It is well-organized, well-punctuated and quite correct in every respect. A parse program I have rates it at the eighth- or ninth-grade level. No small achievement for the sixth-grade product of an educational system that for years has been unable to teach young people to tie their shoelaces. -- HAL D. WHITE, IMPRESSED IN UTAH
DEAR MR. WHITE: I'm printing your letter with the hope that "Happily Adopted" will see it and appreciate the compliment. And hats off to "Happily Adopted's" very effective teachers, who seem to have performed their jobs well.
However, not all my readers took "Happily Adopted's" letter at face value. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: There is ABSOLUTELY no way that I can believe that an 11-year-old boy wrote that whiny letter. It is entirely possible that he is being hassled over having two dads, but I just don't buy that an 11-year-old is/was this articulate! I have an 11-year-old, and I've worked with fifth- and sixth-graders for years.
I think one of his "dads" wrote the letter, and the son copied it and sent it to you. Personally, Abby, I think you've been snookered. -- MELISSA IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR MELISSA: You could be right, and if I have been snookered, it wouldn't be the first time.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)