To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Old Military Bases Could Give New Service as Jails
DEAR ABBY: From coast to coast we are buying land and building new jails. Also, from coast to coast we are closing our armed forces bases.
During World War II, we had hundreds of German prisoners of war in this country, and we did not build new jails. We put the prisoners on one part of an established military camp and made maintenance men and helpers out of them.
We, the taxpayers, own the land that the bases are on. Many bases have security systems for at least part of the base. There are buildings near most bases where the families of the armed forces lived, and now the families of the prison workers could live there. Have the prisoners keep every piece of equipment, every building and the grounds in perfect condition. Some might even learn a trade.
If there is a natural disaster, go to the nearest base and there is a shelter ready to move into -- the roads, lighting, etc., and all are in top condition and ready. Preparedness is a comforting and wonderful feeling.
Please do not use my name or address. Just sign me ... ANONYMOUS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Your idea seems sensible to me. However, there are many reasons why our closed military bases are not being utilized as prisons. Among them are toxic wastes in some locations, substandard buildings, and the fact that landowners in adjacent communities fear it would devalue their property. Also, local governments would prefer to turn the bases into moneymakers to generate more tax revenue.
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Fed Up in Huntsville, Ala.," who said that after four years of marriage her 70-year-old husband wants only to eat, sleep and sit.
Abby, this woman is describing the typical symptoms of depression in the elderly, which often goes unnoticed. I have been witness to this in my own family. I tolerated similar behavior in my 73-year-old husband who had already had two heart attacks. One day he cried out in anguish, "Why doesn't God take me right now?" Only then did I realize his "lazy" behavior was not voluntary. We saw a doctor the next day.
My husband is now taking anti-depressants and is so thankful that he feels better. Our active life has resumed, he is once again playing golf, and we are even doing some traveling!
My only regret is that I did not recognize his problems sooner. I am ashamed to admit that I am a registered nurse. I hope my experience will help other senior citizens realize they may need help. -- AN R.N. IN FLORIDA
DEAR R.N.: You have done a great service by writing. When an individual, especially a senior citizen, begins to exhibit unusual behavior, a visit to a physician should be the first order of business.
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my 58-year-old husband had a brief affair with his secretary. It was no secret; all the tongues in this little town were wagging a mile a minute.
Once, when I found a motel key in his coat pocket, he had the gall to tell me that he got tired of driving, so he checked into a motel to take a little nap. (Three miles from home!)
Well, last year he had some surgery that left him impotent, and since then, I couldn't ask for a more devoted husband. He sends me flowers, and phones if he knows he's going to be half an hour late. He even takes me on business trips, which he never did before.
Of course, I'm enjoying all this attention, Abby, but in your opinion, why has my husband turned over a new leaf? -- WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: Probably because there's not much left under the old one. Enjoy your good fortune.
Winning the Car Whining War May Make Child Lose His Life
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply disturbed by something I see every day on the streets and roads.
Last week I was driving behind a couple in a sports vehicle. A boy who could not have been more than 3 years old was with them, standing in the back seat with his head halfway out the window.
I am a mother and know what it's like to have your child cry and tell you that you're mean because you want the child strapped in a car seat. But believe me, I would much rather hear my child cry and be upset for a few minutes than to lie awake at night asking God to forgive me for causing his death by giving in because he didn't want to be strapped in.
I don't understand how a parent can be so careless, but I see it all the time. I'm not sure what to do about it. Should I try to catch up to them and tell them how dangerous it is? Or should I call the police on my car phone?
I would like to tell every parent in the world to tell the child who is resisting being buckled in, "No, you cannot ride without being buckled in -- I love you too much to endanger you!"
Abby, please print my letter. I can't bear the thought of another little life being lost because someone failed to safeguard a child in his or her car. -- SHANNON M. BARRETT, AURORA, COLO.
DEAR SHANNON: I'm printing your letter in its entirety, Leaving a small child unsecured in a car, regardless of how well-meaning the adult's motives might be, is child endangerment. It takes only a second for tragedy to happen. So, for the sake of your little ones, please, readers, take Shannon's letter to heart. And while you're at it, buckle up your own seat belt. It sets a good example.
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't pass up the chance to respond to "Sadder and Wiser Now," who learned the hard way that it's best to keep quiet about a loved one's drug addiction rather than face being "roasted" by unbelieving parents.
I was one of those parents who denied any drug or alcohol involvement in dealing with my son's abusive and unpredictable behavior. I also had the misconception that drug and alcohol use are a part of "growing up" and that it is only a phase.
Reality hit unexpectedly. My son woke me in the middle of the night begging for help because he was "sick." I found him in a bloody heap looking like 150 pounds of raw hamburger, due to self-inflicted wounds while on a dose of rock cocaine a "friend" had given him. It is a nightmare that will always be a part of me. I almost lost my son, and it could have been me or my daughter he sliced up. My son remembers nothing about the whole ordeal.
Out of this nightmare came the need to educate myself, to understand what had happened to make my son do such a thing to himself. Sharing my pain with other parents who are also at a loss as to what to do with a drug- or alcohol-dependent loved one has helped me cope with the senselessness of what happened. Finding Al-Anon, a 12-step program, helped me to recognize that I couldn't help my son unless he was willing to help himself.
Our children are never too young to start drug and alcohol education, and we as adults are never too old to change our way of thinking. Our future is at stake.
My son has paid dearly for his adolescent mistakes, but God does answer prayers. He is now a married, hardworking father of two. -- NELLIE PHIPPS, FILLMORE, CALIF.
DEAR NELLIE PHIPPS: Your experience was harrowing, and it's fortunate that it wasn't more serious -- which it easily could have been. Your conclusion is one that I have always emphasized: the importance of opening the lines of communication with children very early, and encouraging honesty and openness, with no topics off-limits.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have two children of my own, but some days I feel as though I have 10 or 12. There are many children in the neighborhood where I live. The following is some information for my neighbors. I call it the Common Rules of Parental Etiquette:
1. I am not the neighborhood baby sitter. Sending your children to my house for several hours does not absolve you of the responsibility of checking on your children on a regular basis.
2. Please do not allow your children to pick the flowers I took the time and money to plant. If your children come home with flowers plucked from someone else's garden, explain to them the dishonesty of their act, even though it seems like a sweet thing for them to have done. And, by the way, since I'm the only one with certain varieties of flowers in my garden, pleading ignorance as to where they came from won't work. Also, breaking down my bushes and plants with balls and bats is not acceptable.
3. Foisting your children off on me for several hours and then, later the same day, refusing to allow my child into your home to play because "my child already has a friend over" doesn't work for me. It also sets the wrong example for your child. The message it gives is: "You can use anyone you want and not give anything in return."
4. Memorial Day, Labor Day and Fourth of July mean picnics and parties for family and friends. If I'm having a party and your child wasn't invited, please keep him home! Last year, I spent the Fourth with three stray children who were eating food and drinking beverages my friends brought for OUR picnic.
5. If your child asks to eat at my home or go somewhere with me, please have the courtesy to check with me to be sure an invitation was extended. Yes, I heard your child yell across the street and ask if it was OK to eat at my house. And yes, I heard you say it was OK. However, I didn't hear you ask me if I had invited her. Well, guess what? I didn't. My child didn't either. So your child was sent home.
6. In my home, no one, child or adult, gets anything without a "please" and "thank you." That is, of course, common courtesy, but it doesn't seem to be an important lesson in some homes.
7. Your children are welcome to play in my yard if everyone gets along, if there is no bad language or name-calling, and if you take a turn having them play in YOUR yard. I have no grass in my yard now due to baseball games, and my flowerbeds are destroyed. And every child playing at my home has an excuse why they can't play at their own house.
8. Oh, yes -- don't forget those slightly older children. Parents, how about keeping an eye on them to make sure they aren't bullying the younger kids? Guess what, they are! They push them down, hit them, call them names and, by the way, their language is disgusting. So don't get angry and call me when your child is sent home. You'll get an earful you might not like.
Please don't get me wrong, Abby. I like children. I want my children to have friends over and enjoy themselves. And we have some wonderful neighbors for whom we'd do almost anything. I am, however, appalled at the lack of respect on the part of so many parents and children in our neighborhood.
Sorry this is so long, but I needed to address this issue since others have relayed the same kind of stories to me.
Oh, and by the way -- dog owners, just because I have a dog doesn't mean it's OK if yours soils my yard. But that's another letter ... NOT EVERYONE'S MOM IN HARRISBURG, PA.
DEAR NOT EVERYONE'S MOM: I have printed your letter in its entirety. It should be bronzed and placed on front doors in more neighborhoods that I can count, because the problems you have addressed have been voiced by countless parents. You are right on the money.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)