What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have two children of my own, but some days I feel as though I have 10 or 12. There are many children in the neighborhood where I live. The following is some information for my neighbors. I call it the Common Rules of Parental Etiquette:
1. I am not the neighborhood baby sitter. Sending your children to my house for several hours does not absolve you of the responsibility of checking on your children on a regular basis.
2. Please do not allow your children to pick the flowers I took the time and money to plant. If your children come home with flowers plucked from someone else's garden, explain to them the dishonesty of their act, even though it seems like a sweet thing for them to have done. And, by the way, since I'm the only one with certain varieties of flowers in my garden, pleading ignorance as to where they came from won't work. Also, breaking down my bushes and plants with balls and bats is not acceptable.
3. Foisting your children off on me for several hours and then, later the same day, refusing to allow my child into your home to play because "my child already has a friend over" doesn't work for me. It also sets the wrong example for your child. The message it gives is: "You can use anyone you want and not give anything in return."
4. Memorial Day, Labor Day and Fourth of July mean picnics and parties for family and friends. If I'm having a party and your child wasn't invited, please keep him home! Last year, I spent the Fourth with three stray children who were eating food and drinking beverages my friends brought for OUR picnic.
5. If your child asks to eat at my home or go somewhere with me, please have the courtesy to check with me to be sure an invitation was extended. Yes, I heard your child yell across the street and ask if it was OK to eat at my house. And yes, I heard you say it was OK. However, I didn't hear you ask me if I had invited her. Well, guess what? I didn't. My child didn't either. So your child was sent home.
6. In my home, no one, child or adult, gets anything without a "please" and "thank you." That is, of course, common courtesy, but it doesn't seem to be an important lesson in some homes.
7. Your children are welcome to play in my yard if everyone gets along, if there is no bad language or name-calling, and if you take a turn having them play in YOUR yard. I have no grass in my yard now due to baseball games, and my flowerbeds are destroyed. And every child playing at my home has an excuse why they can't play at their own house.
8. Oh, yes -- don't forget those slightly older children. Parents, how about keeping an eye on them to make sure they aren't bullying the younger kids? Guess what, they are! They push them down, hit them, call them names and, by the way, their language is disgusting. So don't get angry and call me when your child is sent home. You'll get an earful you might not like.
Please don't get me wrong, Abby. I like children. I want my children to have friends over and enjoy themselves. And we have some wonderful neighbors for whom we'd do almost anything. I am, however, appalled at the lack of respect on the part of so many parents and children in our neighborhood.
Sorry this is so long, but I needed to address this issue since others have relayed the same kind of stories to me.
Oh, and by the way -- dog owners, just because I have a dog doesn't mean it's OK if yours soils my yard. But that's another letter ... NOT EVERYONE'S MOM IN HARRISBURG, PA.
DEAR NOT EVERYONE'S MOM: I have printed your letter in its entirety. It should be bronzed and placed on front doors in more neighborhoods that I can count, because the problems you have addressed have been voiced by countless parents. You are right on the money.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "All Chopped Up and No Place to Go" could have been written by me about 10 years ago. I had found a particular hairstyle that I loved, but then my hairdresser quit. For months I searched three towns to find someone who could replace her. Along the way I leaned some important things about hairdressers:
Always choose a hairdresser who has a hairstyle similar to yours. If you want short hair, chose someone with short hair. A hairdresser with long hair will never cut yours short enough. Likewise, never have your hair colored by a red-headed hairdresser, because she will always want to add a little red tint; and never get a perm from someone whose own hair is too curly.
Or you can do what I did -- give up on hairdressers completely. I grew my hair down to my waist. When you have long hair, you can't fuss over it too much, so I sold my hair dryer, curling iron, hot rollers and crimper. I no longer buy mousse, styling gel or hairspray. My husband trims it with a pair of sewing scissors when it gets ragged. I don't color or perm it, and I'm constantly told how beautiful my hair is.
Occasionally, on a really hot day, I consider cutting it. Then I remember the twice-monthly trips to the hairdresser, the roar of the blow dryer every morning, or the way a windy day could ruin my hairstyle (and my day). I just pull my ponytail higher on my head and use the time I would otherwise spend on my hair to do something I enjoy. -- JUST BRUSH IT AND GO
DEAR JUST BRUSH IT: I'm glad your advice works for you. Many of us who are slaves to fashion can't help but admire your sense of independence and freedom. However, it's wrong to generalize about all hairdressers because of your negative experience. If what you say were true, one could not explain the success of hairdressers such as Mr. Kenneth, Vidal Sassoon, Jose Eber, etc. According to your logic, all of their clients would resemble them!
DEAR ABBY: Something must be wrong with me. My problem is that I like many of the things your readers write to complain about.
For example, airline food -- every time I have flown, the meals have been delicious.
And fruitcake -- I wish they made it year-round.
Or paintings on velvet -- the two that my son has in his room depicting outer space are beautiful.
Or Spam -- it's so versatile! And lava lamps; I wish I had one.
I also love Christmas newsletters. My friends love mine, and I love theirs.
Maybe it's because I grew up in the '30s, when we had so little. I used to put cardboard in my shoes when the soles wore through, and I even made my own drink-and-wet doll. I guess my childhood during the Depression helped to make me a more appreciative person. -- ELAINE MACH, CHICAGO HEIGHTS, ILL.
DEAR ELAINE: I'm sure the makers of lava lamps and Spam are delighted with your preferences. As the Latin proverb reminds us, "De gustibus non disputandum." (There is no accounting for tastes.)
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Separate Checks Make Diners Happy and Waiters Very Sad
DEAR ABBY: I need your opinion about something that is puzzling my husband and me. When several couples go out for dinner together, is it rude to ask for separate checks?
We have been made to feel very cheap when we ask for separate checks, but there are times when we have paid half the bill when our portion should have been much less.
Please tell me how to handle this without causing embarrassment to anyone. There is also the matter of leaving a tip. Shouldn't each diner pay part of the tip?
We get a lot of dirty looks from servers when we ask for separate checks. Why? -- LONGTIME READER IN MAINE
DEAR READER: There is nothing wrong with asking for separate checks, particularly if there is a great disparity in the drinking habits of the couples. That way, each diner can pay the proper portion of the tip.
You may be getting dirty looks from servers because it is more trouble for them to write separate checks than to make out just one.
DEAR ABBY: I have recently met an accomplished lady with considerable class. We're very compatible except for the fact that her conversation is greatly overloaded with name-dropping and references to the places she has been throughout the world. This is a big turnoff for me.
Is there any way to handle this problem in a non-embarrassing way? -- IRKED IN ANAHEIM, CALIF.
DEAR IRKED: If this woman has been all over the world and is acquainted with important people, don't fault her for mentioning it. Count yourself fortunate that she enjoys your company.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to share the following story that both saddened and inspired me.
My mother died in October of 1995, and it had always been her wish to be cremated so that she could help the soil grow wildflowers. We spread her ashes in the family cemetery. The following winter and spring were extremely dry in Texas. Spring rain was practically nonexistent and we had none of the usual wildflowers that typically paint our fields and highways. Lakes were very low and many crops were ruined.
My parents had been happily married for 49 years and her death was devastating to my father. He visited the cemetery often.
In March, when Dad drove to the cemetery for a visit, he couldn't believe his eyes. The area where we had laid mother's ashes was covered with small blue wildflowers! He wept while gathering some of them. He didn't know what kind of flowers they were, so after returning home, he showed them to a knowledgeable friend who replied, "These are forget-me-nots!" Despite the drought, my mother's last wish had come true, and she certainly chose the appropriate flower to grow. -- HER DAUGHTER, FARMER'S BRANCH, TEXAS
DEAR DAUGHTER: How fitting that your mother got her wish, and how appropriate the symbolism of the flowers that greeted your father when he went to pay his respects to the memory of his beloved wife.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)