For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are planning an August wedding, and we're working on the exact wording of the ceremony. He is a judge and I have a Ph.D. in education. We've worked hard for these degrees and titles and are proud of them.
At the end of the ceremony when the presentation is made, instead of the usual, "I present to you Mr. and Mrs. (BLANK)," I thought maybe it could be, "I present to you Judge and Doctor (BLANK)."
My fiance says this is too pretentious. I agree that it's pretentious, but I prefer to be called "Doctor" rather than "Mrs." Abby, what do you think?
As it is, we'll go with Mr. and Mrs., but I wonder if you see any other solution here? -- DR. D. IN ARCADIA
DEAR DR. D.: I vote with your fiance. Your friends and family already know that he is a judge and you have a Ph.D.
The wedding is about the two of you becoming husband and wife -- not judge and doctor. After the wedding you'll have the rest of your lives to be addressed as judge and doctor.
DEAR ABBY: I am the director of nursing at a nursing home in Oklahoma City. I recently received a phone call from a woman who asked for the name of a resident who had no family members living. I asked her why, and she explained the following:
Her mother had been in a nursing home for the last few years of her life. The caller had worked in nursing homes and had seen firsthand that many residents had no one to visit or care about them. After her mother died, on Mother's Day, rather than leaving flowers at the grave, she chose to give them to one of those residents in need. She said it had always given her a warm feeling to brighten up someone's life, and she felt her mother would applaud her decision. She never leaves her name; she just signs the card, "Hope you have a great day." The resident never knows who sent the flowers.
I thought this was a wonderful idea, and chose someone I thought would appreciate the bouquet. This gesture so warmed me that I'm sharing it with you, in the hope that you'll share it with others. Please do not print my name. -- ANONYMOUS IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR ANONYMOUS: What a lovely idea. I'm pleased to pass it along to my readers.
DEAR ABBY: In this day of many divorces and remarriages involving children and the attending problems of blended families, I thought you might find a positive note refreshing.
Nine years ago, I married a man who had three daughters from an earlier marriage. I had three sons and a daughter. They were all young adults, and we were a little uneasy about the outcome of the blended families.
I am proud to say that everything has worked out beautifully. Why? Because all our children loved us enough to do everything they could to ensure that we found happiness with our new spouse.
How could we not love each other's children for caring so much? Love begets love when you let it. We feel so rich, not financially, but where it counts the most. -- CAROL OSBORNE, DOWNINGTOWN, PA.
P.S. Keep up the good work with your sensible, compassionate and realistic advice.
SANCTITY OF CONFESSIONAL MAY CREATE MORAL DILEMMA FOR PRIEST
DEAR ABBY: Having read your column for many years, I know you have friends in the Roman Catholic hierarchy, so perhaps you could answer this question for me. I am a 77-year-old Baptist and therefore not sure of all Catholic beliefs.
I have queried many Catholics and priests, and no one can give me a straight answer to this question.
I called a local Catholic church one day and posed this question: "When one of your parishioners makes a confession to you, you never reveal what was said in that confessional, do you?" The priest said, "Absolutely not."
I asked: "What would you do in this case? John Jones is scheduled to die in the electric chair within a week for a murder he swears he never committed. The previous Sunday, one of your parishioners says in his confession to you that HE committed the murder. He gives you every detail, and you are convinced that he is the real murderer. Would you turn him in to the police and violate the sanctity of the confessional, or would you not turn him in and let an innocent man go to the electric chair?"
His answer was, "I would try to persuade my parishioner to confess to the police."
I said: "Supposing persuasion doesn't work? In other words, your parishioner wants to get the murder off his conscience, but he doesn't want to confess to the police and go to the chair."
The priest said, "Well, the best I can tell you is that I would use persuasion." Then he hung up on me.
My question is this, Abby: What is the official position of the Roman Catholic Church on this matter? Does the church violate the sanctity of the confessional, or would it let an innocent man die for a murder he didn't commit? You may use my name. -- JOHN W. LETZGUS, PALM BAY, FLA.
DEAR MR. LETZGUS: Your question goes beyond my area of expertise, so I contacted the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, and received the following statement from Cardinal Roger Mahoney, archbishop of Los Angeles:
"Your Baptist correspondent poses a thorny hypothetical moral dilemma, one that every priest hopes he never faces!
"Canon law of the Catholic Church absolutely forbids priests from disclosing information gained during the celebration of the sacrament of penance that might link a penitent with a grave sin. The reason for this is simple: People's confidence in and recourse to the sacrament of penance is based upon the inviolability of the 'seal of confession.'
"If people were to lose that confidence and stop utilizing the sacrament, then the will of Jesus Christ in giving his church this means of forgiveness and grace would have been thwarted. Hence, even if it were to result in death for himself or another innocent person, the priest may not identify the real murderer.
"The confessor could refuse to absolve the real murderer, but the contents of his confession must remain sealed. The good of protecting the sacrament's integrity for millions of potential penitents outweighs even the evil of the state executing an innocent person.
"Of course, the Catholic bishops of the United States, as well as Pope John Paul II, oppose almost all instances of capital punishment, but that is a separate discussion."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN IS READY TO REVOLT AGAINST AUTOCRATIC IN-LAWS
DEAR ABBY: My in-laws are making my life miserable. They still believe that the man is the head of the household and that women should be subservient at all times.
My husband and I are both college graduates with successful careers, but they continue to treat us like children. They order us to do something, then pout when we don't obey. They stopped speaking to us for weeks when we decided to buy a modest home against their wishes (even though we could easily afford it). They are convinced that we are unable to manage our own finances and household (especially me). I've actually been ordered to quit my job and stay home to take care of my husband (we don't have any kids yet). Luckily, my husband agrees that this is my decision to make, not theirs.
We have tried discussing this rationally as adults, but they start yelling or lecturing. They have now decided they want us to give them control of our finances if anything should happen to my husband because they believe a man should be in control. They also want full custody of any children we might have. Up until now, I've bitten my tongue, but I'm ready to explode. I don't want to alienate my in-laws by getting into a screaming match, but I've reached the end of my rope. How should I handle this? -- STEAMING IN DALLAS
DEAR STEAMING: Your in-laws' values are firmly rooted in another century. Don't allow them to intimidate you or draw you into an argument.
Assuming that you and your husband have already prepared a legal document that would protect each other and any children in case of a tragedy, you are under no obligation to discuss it or disclose its contents to anyone.
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest your column about the mother who gets all kinds of comments about the number of children she has. She asked if she should respond to these often rude remarks.
My wife and I are blessed with triplets. We too get many comments when we are out in public -- some nice and some seemingly rude. We feel enormously fortunate to have three healthy children, and we soon learned that our attitude makes all the difference in the world. We ignore some remarks, but we take others as an opportunity to tell people how blessed we are.
My favorite response when someone sees our triplets and says, "I'm glad it's you and not me," is one my wife came up with. She replies, "I'm also glad it's me and not you!" -- TRIPLY BLESSED IN ALABAMA
DEAR TRIPLY BLESSED: My congratulations to your wife. Her response is inspired.
DEAR ABBY: I attended a bridal tea this weekend and saw something I had never seen before. I wonder, have things changed this much?
As the guests arrived, their gifts were taken from them and carried over to a display area where they were opened by assigned people and put on display, without the future bride seeing the gift at all until it was put on display.
Why would people go to the trouble of wrapping a gift with beautiful paper and ribbons on it if the bride is never to see it? I was appalled and thought this was in very poor taste. Am I wrong, or is it proper? -- CONFUSED
DEAR CONFUSED: I have never heard of this practice at traditional bridal showers. However, if the bride's family is from another culture, that might account for it. Without knowing more of the facts I cannot make a judgment.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)